Kept

Chapter 22

Chris's stomach rolled. Worse was the sick feeling in his chest. It went deeper than his unhappy body. At least that illness could be expelled. He rolled over and found his face over a small trashcan. He couldn't figure out why until his stomach heaved and a wash of bile escaped his mouth. A washcloth over his face then neck cooled the burn under his skin.

Did he have the flu? He tried to remember. His body ached in ways he'd never imagined possible. Liam stared down at him worried. Chris decided he had to have the flu, the alternative terrified him.

"Is it happening?"

Liam pushed Chris's hair back and put the washcloth on his forehead. "Is what happening?"

Chris fought to swallow around the lump in his throat and the terrible taste in his mouth. "Am I turning into a monster?"

Liam's smile was sad. "No, you're hung over."

Hung over. Chris tried to remember but his stomach heaved again. Liam turned him over just in time. When the heaves turned dry, Chris found himself back on the bed. His head throbbed, his jaw ached. The dim light hurt his eyes.

He watched Liam as he dipped the washcloth in a small basin, rung it out, carefully lined up the edges, folded it. Once. Twice. He looked more broken than Chris had ever seen him. As inhuman as the splash of iridescence on his face made him appear, there had never been a time that Liam looked so Human.

Chris wanted to be repulsed by him. He reminded himself that this monster was not his brother. His brother was gone, replaced by something carved from metaphysics and born of a beast.

And yet?

"I'm sorry." Chris didn't know what else to say.

Liam shook his head. "I'm sorry. I should have..." His hands clenched and water ran over his fists. "I should have done more."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I failed you."

"How?" He'd snuck out on his own. He'd made the choice to drink. And then, and then he'd made the choice too... This nausea returned only it wasn't from the alcohol.

"Why else would you go out and get drunk? Goddamn it, why else would you do that?"

Chris rolled over onto his side wishing the hollow feeling inside his chest would go away. "I had too."

Liam's eyebrows came down. "Why?"

"I'm gonna be a monster."

"Chris."

"I'm gonna be like you, I might as well be like you. Be a whore, a prostitute, be someone who doesn't think they're worth anything. Be someone who bleeds, and hurts, and does stupid shit. I might as well then you won't have too anymore!" Chris's voice left his head ringing. He pushed his face into the pillow. "I wanted to. I just wanted to."

Liam petted Chris's head. Even his hair hurt. Liam said, "It's not gonna be like that anymore."

"Why because Richard is dead? But you're still doing it. You're doing it so we can stay here. Instead of doing what Richard says you just do what the monsters say, what the monsters tell you to do. It's not different. It's not different at all." Liam tried to wipe the tears off Chris's face. He snatched the wash cloth away and did it himself.

"It's not the same."

"Yes it is."

"No, it's not. I love him."