Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

Chapter Nine

A/N:
I bet you thought the rest of the story was gonna be smooth from here on out huh? You were wrong.
Listen to Say Something by A Great Big World
TRIGGER WARNING. If you don't like cutting and all that, definitely don't read this chapter.
Harry's POV
I wake up to the sun in my eyes and I roll over and expect to see Louis, sleeping. I'm disappointed when I don't so I sit up and look around. The smell of vomit hits me like a punch to the face and I gag. I look over at the bathroom door and see it's closed. NONONONONONO. I truly thought he was getting better. Why didn't I get him help while I still could?! No. Calm down Harry. Maybe he just has a stomach bug? Yeah. That's it. Just some stomach bug. I climb out of the bed and stumble over to the bathroom door. I attempt to open it but it's locked.
"Louis?" I ask.
I hear him gag once more. "Go away Harry. I don't want you to see me like this." I hear his voice crack from the other side of the door.
"Lou, please open up baby." I say, tears threatening to spill. Why is it that our relationship is so difficult?
"No." His voice cracks again. I hear him burst into sobs and I can't help but feel guilty. It's not a stomach bug. Why didn't I go see how much a treatment center costs already? Oh yeah. Because I think I can fix everything myself but I can't. I wish I could but I can't.
"Louis. Please." Now it's my voice that cracks.
"I don't want you to see me like this Harry!" I hear him sob.
"Please!" I bang on the door before hearing him puke again. "Stop Louis!" He ignores me and continues making himself vomit.
"Stop Louis! StopStopStopStopStop!" I bang the door with my hands, tears pouring without warning.
I break down in sobs and slide down the door, to the floor. I bury my face in my hands and I can't control the endless tears.
Thank god Gemma and my mom said they would be out early this morning and wouldn't be back till dinner. I didn't want them to see me like this.
"Louis. Please stop. I can't stand you being like this." I choke out.
"Don't you understand? You're not only hurting yourself but you're also hurting me too." I don't hear the noises anymore and I begin to panic.
"Louis?!" I yell, standing up.
"Louis, please say something!" No reply .
I bang down the door and wince when it makes a loud crashing when it falls to the ground. I step over it and rush to Lou. He's laying on the ground, passed out. I get a sickening feeling in my stomach due to the horrible smell coming from the toilet but ignore it and grab my phone. I dial 999 while hoping for him to wake up.
***
Less than half an hour later, I'm in the waiting room of a hospital. I sit on the uncomfortable chair in the quiet room, by myself and wait for the doctor to come. 10, 20, 30 minutes later, still no doctor. I grow worried and pull myself out of the seat. I rush to the room number that they told me he was in and step inside. A nurse comes up to me and tries to usher me out of the room. "Sir, you're only allowed in here if you're family."
"He's my husband." I lie.
She nods her head and steps out of the way.
I stride over to the bed and kneel down next to him. He's on a breathing machine and his face is pale. There's a needle stuck in his arm and I wince at the scars on his wrists.
"I thought you were gonna come get me when I could see him." I mumble at the doctor who's watching me. He ignores me and speaks up.
"He'll be okay but we're gonna keep him here for about a week. Afterwards he'll have to go to a treatment center."
I nod my head. "Why is he on the breathing machine?" I ask.
"When he passed out something happened to his lungs." He replies.
I hate doctors. They're so careless. This guy couldn't care less if Louis died right now, as long as he gets paid.
"You can leave now." I reply when I still feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. He leaves without saying anything more. I take Louis' limp hand in mine.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I, would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
The lyrics buzz in my head like bees. Whenever the song came on the radio, Lou would hum to it. Sometimes I would catch him singing it when he didn't notice me. He was actually a pretty good singer.
My eyes water up at the memory as I stare at his beautiful, pale face. I can't help the sobs that escape my mouth and I let his hand fall from mine.
"Why am I such a terrible boyfriend?!" I cry.
He stirs in his sleep but I ignore it and continue my cries.
Why didn't I get him help the first time I saw him make himself throw up?
Why didn't I take him to a doctor the first time I saw his cuts?
Why didn't I make him pay a visit to a councillor the first time I found out he was depressed?
Why did I ruin his first experience romantically?
Why am I such a shitty person?!
And I, am feeling so small.
It was over my head.
I know nothing at all.
All of this was over my head the moment it began. What made me think I could take care of an innocent, depressed boy with eating disorders while, I myself am suicidal?
For the hour I ponder this question until Louis' movements yank me out of my thoughts. He rolls over so he's facing me again and his tired eyes flutter open. He gives me a small, exhausted smile. I return it with a sad, guilty one.
"Hey boo bear." I whisper.
"Hey Hazza." He mumbles. His voice brings me relief.
"Where are we?" He continues.
"The hospital. You passed out after..." I fade off.
"After I what?" He questions.
"After you umm..." I try to finish the sentence but no words come out.
"Harry?"
"I can't Louis, I just can't." My voice cracks and I head towards he door. I open it and step out into the hallway, ignoring his pleads for me to stay.
And I, will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love.
Just starting to crawl.
I fall to the floor and bury my face in my hands. No tears fall though. My eyes are dry and swollen, unable to cry. I stare at the white, shiny floor from the cracks in between my fingers. I can't take this. I'm gonna relapse. I don't want to but at the same time I do.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere I, would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
As I'm driving home, I try to talk myself out of it. I haven't done it in such a long time but this just seems to make me want to do it even more. I continue to try to convince myself to turn around, be with Louis. Nothing works. Not even when I remind myself of the guilt Louis will feel if he finds out. When I pull into the garage and go into my house, up to my room, I seem to have no control over my own body. I feel like a puppet on strings. Only the strings never get tangled, I just except what I'm about to do rather then fight it. I go into my bathroom and close the door. I pull out the blade that I hid from Louis from under the sink, in a cap to a shampoo bottle. It was barley small enough to fit in the cap even though the cap was pretty large. I pull up my sleeve and carelessly drag the blade across my wrist, the line being no where near perfectly straight. I watched the blood fall to the tiled floor, drop by drop. I do this countless times through tears before throwing the blade to the wall, watching it fall to the ground. I put a towel over my arms and sob. Not even cutting brings me relief now. Why did this hurt me so bad? They said he would be out within a week. Maybe it was because this was my fault. I should've gotten him help. It was to late now.
And I, will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love.
And I'm saying goodbye.
I needed to say goodbye. Our relationship was only making things worst for him. If I stayed with him, it would probably only remind him of this. I couldn't do that to him. I needed to stop being so selfish. I needed to break up with him.
I covered my wrist and grabbed my car keys after putting the blade away, my mom didn't need to know about this. If she found the blade, she would defiantly find out.
***
"I'm breaking up with you." The words escaped my lips, much more harshly said then I made out to be.
His eyes widened but softened immediately before watering up.
"W-why?" He choked out.
"It's better for you." I said, my shoes becoming much more interesting then before.
"For me, or for you?" He spoke harshly through tears. I hated doing this to him. Of course I didn't want to do this but it needed to be done.
"You can still stay in the barn." I whisper, ignoring his previous question.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
"Harry, please don't do this." His voice softened.
"I have to Louis. All I do is cause you pain. I couldn't live with myself if you died because of me."
"I was like this before I met you though." He replied, his voice breaking with every word.
"I'm sorry." I spoke heading towards he door.
"Harry." He spoke.
I looked up from the floor and to his sad, exhausted face. His cheeks were tear stained and his eyes were glossy and red.
"Yeah?" I question.
"I love you." His voice ached.
I wanted so badly to say it back, go over and apologize. I couldn't, so I just responded with a nod of my head and walked out the door.
Say something, I'm giving up on you. Say Something...
A/N:
I cried writing this chapter ;(
Go listen to Say Something by A Great Big World if you haven't already.