Political Science 101

Chapter Forty-Six

ANA SAT silently in her car as it idled in her aunt's driveway. For some reason, talking to her aunt always made her feel a little worse about life. Mitch had never met her aunt, obviously. Besides, Ana always felt that her aunt had this way about her that was somewhat off-putting, much like the old woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond," minus the comedy and charm.

But today, as Ana sat in her car, listening to a CD Mitch made for her (consisting of bands like Coldplay, Fun., The Goo Goo Dolls, Pearl Jam, Train, R.E.M., U2, and Matchbox-Twenty — "The CD version of a Mix Tape," he'd told her when he gave it to her), she felt her mind wander. She felt like she was questioning everything about everything.

The Vicodin in her system was certainly helping her relax; she could feel her whole body euphorically calm itself into a Zen-like sense of pure drug-induced tranquility.

Ana glanced down at the passenger's seat of her car at the book she'd been reading, "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk. She loved the movie, but she loved the book even more. She loved what it said about life — the generalized statements in the book which were applicable to both the immediate situation in the book's text and plot, as well as any given situation in life.

· That old saying, how you always kill the ones you love, well, look, it works both ways.

· If I knew how this would all turn out, I'd be more than happy to be dead and in Heaven right now.

· This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

· If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up a different person?

· Only after a disaster can we be resurrected.

· It's only after you've lost everything ... that you're free to do anything.

· First, you have to hit bottom.

· You're the corpse in an English murder mystery.

· There are a lot of things we don't want to know about the people we love.

· Nothing is static. Everything is falling apart.

· I wanted the whole world to hit bottom.

· What you have to consider ... is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that can happen.

· If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?

· Only if we're caught and punished can we be saved.

· The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly. The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

· On a long enough timeline, everyone's survival rate drops to zero.

· Prepare to evacuate soul in five, four, three, two, one.

· Evacuate soul now.

· Then nothing, less than nothing. Oblivion

Ana smiled. She loved that book because it was about someone who never really knew exactly who he was — and was not.

Ana could relate.

Ana began to wonder, if a person's life — their entire life — is a lie, then does the lie become the reality? Ana remembered her life. She remembered being a waitress at a sports bar, casually dating here-and-there, taking a few college classes here-and-there, just living life, here-and-there. Now, she felt like she was neither here nor there. She felt like nothing in her life was real and everything in her life that was fake was becoming reality. She was so good at keeping her lies straight that she began to accept them as her reality. Is this, she wondered, how deep cover CIA agents feel? Much of her false reality had been created for her; much, she created for herself.

She swallowed another Vicodin and took another deep breath.

Ana stared out the window at the damp day. The cool overcast weather made even the air seem gray. The smell of the wind reminded her of a life she couldn't remember. No one knew everything about Ana except Ana. Or, at least, she hoped that was the case.

With another stiff gulp, Ana swallowed another Vicodin, closed her eyes, and took an even deeper breath. The pills were slowly taking her where she wanted to be, making her feel lighter, calmer, and numb, with just a dash of euphoria. She wasn't an addict, she told herself, she just enjoyed how the pills felt. She never felt like she needed the pills, she just loved how they made her feel. With the pills, life made just a little more sense — probably because, with the pills, life mattered just a little bit less.

Eyes closed, Ana smiled a slight smile; a light smile, a calm smile, a numb smile, a smile with just a dash of euphoria — and perhaps just a hint of regret.

"The beginning guitar riff of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" began to float from the soul of Ana's car stereo into the surrounding air — air which felt light, calm, numb, and just a little euphoric. Her smile slowly faded as she shifted her car into gear and drove into the gray late-afternoon melancholy.

The lies of her reality and the truth of her fiction awaited her.