Love in his Lie

Glow

"P-pardon?"

"It's... nevermind."

Wes shook his head and stepped away, hesitating before the door and looking out over the street, caught somewhere within his indecision. He eventually moved back to the railing and rested his hands upon it.

"Sorry, that didn't come out right."

"No, it's okay," I replied, my words breathy. "I just didn't expect it."

"I mean, I love my brother. He's a good guy and I know he'll be good to you. It's just..." His lips pinched and his hands tensed around the railing. I saw more than just uncertainty fighting his tongue. There was frustration in the bend of his brow and, after a sharp exhale, he turned back to face me. "You two just don't make sense."

"Pardon?" I asked again, this time with a bite of insult in my tone.

"It's..." His words caught in his throat as he sent his eyes up to the bead board ceiling over the porch. "It's that Justin needs a strong personality to combat his and you're..."

His words dissipated into the evening air as my lips drooped and my eyes fell to the floor. I remembered the conversation Justin and I had before heading for the hotel. He, too, believed only a dominant personality could mesh with his and I, on some level, agreed. However, that knowledge didn't change how the knife cut into me.

"You find me boring," I mumbled. "A mouse undeserving of a lion's affection?"

"No." He barked the word, his stern assertion pulling my eyes back up just as he stepped forward to grab my shoulders and draw my gaze to him. "That's the opposite of what I think. A mouse doesn't start her own business, doesn't cast all her preconceived notions of what she should do to do what she wants to do. You're not a dull little mouse. I don't think that."

He bent his head down, his breath brushing my cheek. For a moment, his eyes held me still and the gap between us shrank. He tilted his head and, without thinking, I felt my eyes flutter closed and my chin lift.

Then his hold on my shoulders released and my eyes snapped open to find him pacing before the front door.

"Justin... Justin doesn't think that either." He ran his hand through his hair, his back to me while he continued. "It's just your personality is quiet and soothing. It's something we need more of in this family."

"Right."

I wasn't sure if the word ever touched the air or it was simply the breaking of my heart that I heard. My lips tingled with a phantom impression, crying out for the touch that had been denied. My skin felt cold and numb, jealous of my shoulders for knowing the pressure of Wes's hands. As the remorse in me grew, it morphed into anger and disappointment. My breath became quick and my hands clenched and unclenched with the rapidly shifting emotions coursing through me. Which perhaps emboldened me to draw Wes out and make him as vulnerable as he made me, because maybe with us both standing there, stripped of our defenses, we could see each other for what we were. Two lonely people desperate for love.

"I know about Rita," I said, throwing the words out onto the breeze. "I know what happened, and I know you blame your family."

He looked over his shoulder, watching me with narrow eyes. Then, with a sigh, he strode to where I stood on the far side of the porch. He kept his distance, but was willing to share in the conversation.

"A little over three years ago, the maid of honor ran up the aisle to hand me a letter before getting out of there as fast as she could." He paused with a sigh that made him far shorter than he was. "Rita wrote she thought she could do it, that she could marry me knowing that we'd be our own family, our own island. However, when she looked out over the crowd and saw all the people she'd have to deal with at every family function, she just couldn't go into it knowing that our island would always be surrounded by an unwelcoming ocean." He drew in a deep breath, cleared his throat and, with a forceful sniff, he continued. "Really, though, what she was saying was, she couldn't trust me."

"What?" I asked, taking a slight step back at his assertion.

"She told me about everything my family did. All the stupid stuff some of them said to her or expected of her. They all thought they were being helpful, but she saw it as intrusive. And I understood that. My family is intrusive, whether or not they are well meaning. The thing is, I told her every time I'd protect her, that if people were invading the life, she wanted to set a part for us, that I would defend it. But apparently I didn't defend it well enough and so she couldn't trust me to do so. I don't fault her in that."

He looked at his hands, particularly his left hand and the bare fingers on it.

"Well, if you talked to your family about it and they continued to act as they were, then it's not really your..."

"Except I never talked to them," he said with a shrug. "I didn't want to insult them. I knew they mostly had good intentions, but Rita proved I can't protect her all the time. Had she given me another shot, I would have eloped with her across the country and not come back. Then we wouldn't have to worry about me having to be there to guard her 24/7."

"I'm not sure that sounds like a better option," I said, though my words weren't much louder than a whisper. The thought of my own family being a rather long plane flight away sat tight in my throat and prevented me from giving more volume to my opinion.

"I suppose not," he answered with an ill-humored laugh. "She instead moved one state away and got properly married. Now she's pregnant with their first kid."

"I'm sorry Wes."

"Don't be," he replied, turning to me with a small but genuine smile on his face. "Seeing her pregnant has helped in its own odd way. I see pictures and her face is just glowing. Not just that pregnancy glow they always talk about, but she's truly happy. I don't think she'd have been like that with me."

"Had... had you wanted to have kids with her?" I forced the question out before my fear could stop it. My eyes glanced towards the door where are make believe drama waited to unravel.

"Well, yes," he answered, his eyes narrowing with suspicion, though he didn't give voice to it.

"And do you still want kids after everything?" I asked, unable to look him in the eye as I did.

He didn't respond immediately, perhaps because of indecision or confusion over my line of questioning. I don't know. I kept my eyes on the road so I couldn't read his expression. However, he eventually broke the silence.

"My notion of family hasn't been so tainted that I've sworn off starting a family of my own. It's just after seeing how Rita smiled with her husband, I realized that she was meant to have that family—not mine."

"And what family are you meant to have?" I asked, chancing a sideways glance to watch him.

"I don't know," he answered, his lips slack and his shoulders sinking. "I think I've missed my chance to be with the woman that I could have made glow."