Holding On To Goodbye

Chapter 4

I woke up in my bed. Donnie, and my mother and father were sitting at the end of it, watching me. At first I didn't know where I was and began to inwardly panic. The moment I sat up, a cold wet washcloth fell into my lap. It must have been resting on my forehead.

"You're awake," Donnie said, sounding relieved.

"Do you remember anything that happened?" my father asked.

"No, I..." Kitty. It all came back to me. The sight of her pooling blood, the look on Billy's face--horror, dread, regret, pain, anguish, remorse. I remembered the crowd, their whispering voices, talking about the woman who was lying on the ground and the sad excuse of a crazy, young lady sitting next to her. The screams. Where was that noise coming from? Screaming for Kitty. Was that me? Had I been crying out for her like that? Hysterical with pain and unwanted realization.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I looked to my left and saw the stuffed cow that Donnie had won for me at the ring toss. I touched its pink nose began to cry softly. I looked at Donnie and he looked back at me with pain and sadness in his face. I could see he had been crying himself.

"You fainted at the fairgrounds," my mother told me once I composed myself a bit. "Donnie picked you up and brought you home in his car."

"I'm terribly sorry," I whispered. I knew that the way I acted was not ladylike in the least bit, and for some reason, I had a feeling that my mother knew about every last reaction that had come to me.

"Your behavior was completely unacceptable, Ellenor." My mom only called me by my full name when she was truly upset with me. I casted down my head; looked down at my bed sheets.

"Have some sympathy for the girl," my father interjected. "Her best friend has just been the victim of a terrible accident."

"Which is why she needs to hold her composure more than ever. People will be watching her to see how she will now act within society. Ellen needs to be a delicate, gentle and respectable woman. This is now her test." My mother turned to face me. "Ellen," she said with concern. "I need to be certain that your antics at the fair will not be your way of attitude ever again. We have worked too hard at refining you into a pleasant girl. People are noticing you now, and you need to keep that fresh, beautiful way about you. Always."

"Yes, ma'am."

 Donnie had been silent for a long while and kept his head down. Finally, he had something to say. "Mr. and Mrs. Stewart, would you mind if Ellen and I could talk privately?"

My mother looked at my father with a disapproving expression, but my father nodded in acceptance. Although we were told to keep my bedroom door slightly ajar.

"Don't listen to your mom," Donnie told me quietly. "No one is looking at you like that."

"But they are," I countered. "Especially now. Now that I'm going to be a wife--your wife. Everyone at school knew about us, everyone in town knows about us! They know we're in love. They know it's only a matter of time before we proclaim our love in nuptials. They would have been happy for us, but they still would have been watching. They would still have talked amoungst themselves, wondering if there was some other reason why we were to marry. But now they're probably wondering if you even want anything to do with me. I must be a basketcase now that my best friend is dead, right? I must be going crazy. 'What is he going to want with her now?' they'll ask. And if we even do follow through with it, they're going to wonder if it's just out of pity on your end."

"Now that's enough," Donnie raised his voice. "You know that not a word of that is true. I love you Ellen. We were going to follow through with this marriage--this wedding--before last night, now why wouldn't we afterwards?"

"Because," I answered pathetically.

Donnie got up and sat at the foot of my bed. "Because why, my darling?"

"Because Kitty won't be there with us." My voice squeaked and my eyes began to burn. I gasped for air and only heard the wails of my cry. My body began racking with my sobs. I felt as if I had no control over this...maybe because I didn't. Donnie moved forward and wrapped me into his embrace. He slowly rocked me back and forth, trying to console me. "I didn't even get to tell her," I cried. "She didn't even get to see my ring. I didn't get to hug her. She didn't teasingly tell me that all of that chaperoning of hers had finally paid off." My sobs started up again. I couldn't form words.

"I know," Donnie whispered into my hair. "I know. I can't believe she's gone either." I looked up at him and saw tears running down from his caring eyes. I touched his face and gently wiped away the trails of water.

My father pushed open the door. He stood in my doorway and looked painfully at us. He was so good at understanding how I felt with events in my life. "There are two officers here who would like to speak with us," he told the floor. "They're here now." He looked up at Donnie and me holding each other on my bed. "You two come out into the living room when you've got yourselves straightened up. Oh, and Ellen? Your mother would like for you to put on a bit of lipstick and brush your hair."