Life After You | ✓

07

L I F E 

 A F T E R    Y O U 

    ____________________  

I want him in the bluntest way. I want his lips, his hands, his arms. I want him the way the ocean wants the shore, constantly reaching and running back again and again. I want him the way the rain wants to fall, the way the sun wants to brightly shine and the way words want to be read. I want him to infinity, to the millionth degree. No amount of rain could douse the blazing fire I have in me for him.

Even so, the longing feeling I have for him to wake up and kiss me never goes away. It is there to stay, permantanly taking residence within me.

Its day six now... almost a week. A week of no answers. A week of sorrow. A week of misery.

He still has not moved an inch. Every six hours an intern comes in and places Landon on his sides for a few minutes each, so he won't get any bedsores.

That is the only time I see him move.

I finally allowed myself to shower in the hospital room bathroom and change my clothes. I washed my hair and brushed it out, leaving it dangle against my shoulders. It took me what felt like an eternity to remove Landon's clothing from my body. I didn't want to lose the only thing that gave me comfort. The only thing that made it seem as though Landon himself was engulfing me.

I forced Riley to get another pair of his sweatpants from our apartment and another one of his T-shirts. I couldn't wear anything else. His clothes still smelled like him, which alone made it so I could get through another day.

I even put some of his hair gel in my hair, scrunching it. Just the smell was enough to calm my aching nerves. The same smell I was used to smelling every morning after his shower.

Some would call me insane. I call it grieving.

Grieving over the fact that since it has already been a week and nothing has changed, that maybe nothing will ever change. Maybe he will always be like this, not moving or speaking. Not able to react, or laugh. Not able to smile or pout the way he used to when his cute dimples would drive me wild.

Grieving over the fact that he may never wake up again. That he may be gone. So far gone that even the strongest of pleads and prayers couldn't bring him back. So far gone that even the love that still dwells within me isn't enough to wake him up. Just simply gone.

Tori and Riley have been my rocks. They have been in this hospital every day making sure I'm alright. Tori brings me my classwork so I can at least keep up with it, despite not having a care in the world for world literature or biology. The only thing that ever crosses my mind is Landon.

I knew this entire situation was wearing me down. I still couldn't eat much and the thought of anything other than Oreos made me nauseous. My multiple morning trips to the bathroom was enough to worry anyone. Throwing up isn't how I like to start my mornings. I knew I needed to do something before I end up in a hospital bed myself. I've lost six pounds in this week. That's a pound every day just about.

I couldn't help it.

Claire noticed and every day has been trying to plead me into letting her run some tests. My response, though hardheaded, is always the same: no.

Allowing them to run tests would mean leaving Landon's room. It would mean being away from him. It would mean that anything could happen and I wouldn't be there. I can't do that to him after promising him to be there the moment he wakes up, even if he couldn't hear me say it.