Project Unfiltered [editing]

17| worries

"What worries you, masters you." - John Locke

***

Dear Jacob,

After every letter of me trying to emit some kind of confidence...I am left with another case of jitters. I wish I could press a button and just be over you. 

Because I want to be. I just want the stress and anxiety to stop. 

It's so hard for me to even begin to explain how much it hurts without you sometimes. And how the dread keeps entering my brain at some points in the day. 

And while I know maybe I'm saying all this because I know in a month's time...we will be together again for Becca's party. I mean, this is the first time in a while that our eyes will meet and I will see your face again.

I really don't want to falter again. I don't want to have to imagine the mental game it will be to get through one night without awkward moments and possible breakdowns. 

I've asked myself constantly if I'm ready to do this again. To show you that I've moved on since then.

I know I've begun to move on since then with the many letters and time to ponder being good for me. But it's only been four months since we've broken up for good and I'm still getting nervous like this...is this a sign that I'm simply not ready yet?

There's a pit in my stomach thinking about how nervous I am to possibly face you once again. The way you make me nervous still hasn't left it seems. 

It's hard to pretend that someone you've known for so long doesn't affect you anymore. It's impossible to pretend that I don't feel anxious to see you and wonder how you are doing.  To see you again face to face. This is the longest I've gone without ever knowing about what's happening to you currently.

If your hair is long, if you got your braces taken out, if your style has changed...all these trivial things that I used to be so well versed it and now I am not. Scary how you can know someone inside out one day and then become strangers the next.

Am I ready to do this?

Am I ready to face you? More importantly, why do I still feel nervous because of you Jacob? 

Why do you still have this power over me? 

Why?

-Mia