My not so ordinary life

Kimmy of Korea

I could not believe my eyes as Kim Jung-Un plopped down beside me.

"IS THIS A DREAM?!" I shriek
"IS THIS REALITY?!??
AM I HALLUCINATING?????
GALLOPING GRANDMOTHERS! I MUST BE ON DRUGS!"

But my multicoloured pupils were not deceiving me! My long lost brother was truly standing in front of me!

Quite suddenly his eyes narrowed and he gave me a look which contained all the venom of an aggravated snake..

"What is this grasshopper like creature??" He demands pointing straight at me.

I gasp. Does he.. he really not remember me?! I feel my heart shatter into twenty three pieces.

"Brother..." I stumble "It is I! Your dearly beloved sister! We were born on that mountain together remember?!"

"I most certainly do not!" He retorts then pauses .. "uhh where are we?!"

"IDK? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SPANISH ARMADA?!"

I look round and as always I'm right. It's 1588 and we are travelling to England to invade them.

However when I look back there's an empty space where kimmy stood only a few seconds ago..

I race to the edge of the boat and spy kim throwing off his clothes (not his underwear I'm not going to sexualise Kim Jung-Un) and jumping into the sea!

I hear a faint scream of "I must get away from this imposter who claims to be my sister" but I must be mistaken. I'm always wrong.

Of course Kim wants to hang out! It's been like 30 years since we last saw each other so obviously I strip and dive into the water too.

All of a sudden it starts raining and I screech in utter horror! Oh how I hate being wet!! (No sexual implication there what so ever OK?!) I simply cannot search for my brother in this weather so I decide to have a quick nap instead.

I awaken in a playground... All around me little children are playing happily.. no wait.. THATS NOT A CHILD! THAT IS A REINDEER! I shudder. What dreadful creatures ! So basic as well always posing on instagram with that dog filter and those Starbucks cups someone should tell them THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEIR IDIOTIC LIVES like literally I only follow them so they follow me back like they think I actually care?! Hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaha NO. Anyway quite out of the blue somebody switches off the lights.. wait.. I'm outside am I not ?! It must have been the sky which has been dimmed! Out of the corner of my eye I see a cheesey round growing larger and larger.. almost.. almost as if it was coming towards the earth? Gracious! It was!! And I recognised it!! It was my good friend the moon.. In a rather unprecedented move it smashes into the earth and lands directly on top of the reindeer children promptly squishing them all!

A slap on the face awakens me. Damn was that a dream?! How very unfortunate! It would have been fun to actually watch the demise of the young reindeer population.

I cautiously open my eyelids to see a shark gazing deep into my soul. Just kidding! I lost my soul longgg ago in the battle of hastings. But the shark is giving me a pretty intense glare.

"Yo b" his words are like treacle (not really but I like the word treacle so decided to compare his voice to it. Problem? GOOD)

"yeah ok but what do you mean by that?!" I spit back "b?! b?? babe??? bitch?????? beaked being?! blake gray?!!"

He gives me a withering look and chucks me off his back

"I've been carrying you ever since I found you floating about the ocean" he states "You've got to be careful young girl! There are the likes of nemo lurking the ocean"

I thank the kind shark then get my extendable nose out of my secret pocket. I may have been in great peril what with almost bumping into nemo but I must focus on the task in hand.. finding Kim Jung-Un.

I sniff extra hard (not drugs I promise) and catch a faint whiff of a haircut which is not one of the 15 approved by North Korea. Kimmy has been located!

I swim for days, determined to reach my long lost brother. To speed up my journey I pretend I am the gingerbread man being chased by that old woman. It's a bit sexist isn't it?? Who said gingerbread men have to be men? What if I was ginger and made of bread but a woman ?!?! This is why we need feminism! So all gingerbread people are accepted.

Anyhoo after like literally a decade I arrive at an island which I believe kimmy has taken up residence on.

I immediately spot him halfway up a coconut tree and run over. However the instant we make eye contact he lets out an odd howl and falls out of the tree onto the silky sand which lies below.

"GOOOO! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FREAK!" he barks.

Freak?! Freak?!?! Did he actually just go there?! How very dare he! I don't need no person in my life who treats me like that!

I storm off but before I know it my skin is evaporating in front of my very eyes. I screech as the particles which make up my body separate and diffuse into the night sky...

What is happening to me ?!!