The Dog Days of Summer

3

The curtains are rising. Shh

Loverboy was my first memory of high school. My first kiss.

And it wasn't at all how I imagined it. I was so nervous, I turned away 5 times before I finally let him kiss me. And a line of saliva remained intact when we pulled apart.

I had to stop myself from violently vomiting.

A part of him resided in me in the following years.

People will leave, but their personality traits will stay and it'll manifest in you. We are unfinished patchworks of all those who have stepped in our lives, simple footprints on slab of concrete.

I used to be his Lovergirl. It was sweet I guess.

I remember wearing his clothes and they smelled like fruity perfume, he said he wanted to be reminded by strawberries and not by bearglove. He liked to skate. Sometimes he'd call be me "Chief Keef." We'd listen to Lil Peep. He wanted a white Chevrolet Corvette, the one with the moving headlights. He had a little sister. I forgot her name.

And remember the first time I smelled weed, right under my nose at the hands of Loverboy. I remember the first time I ever touched a penis, in a closet, begging him to let me out. Telling him I couldn't do it. To which he would say, "Just a little, just rub it through my pants then, that's all I'm asking." I saw him pull it out. I didn't like it.

One day he would go announcing his undying love for me and the next, I was nothing. My existence meant nothing on Tuesdays. Kisses on Mondays and slaps on Thursdays.

He said he wanted to kill himself, he would show me the tiny pills in his chubby little hands and take them down in one gulp. And he blamed his bipolar episodes for his violence.

Listen. I'm not a therapist, not a psychiatrist. How the fuck was I going to help him on my own? The more I gave myself to him the less there was of me.

Loverboy vandalized my middle school at their annual pumpkin festival. It was pretty much the only time all the former kids could go back to middle school and see how much everyone changed. But the only thing on my body that slightly grew was the hair on my head.

He was on Xanax and it was fucking humiliating. I pretended to not know him, but it was obvious the way he followed me around and called my name.

I had never felt so insecure, so embarrassed, so unsafe before.

Mr. Hottie was also there. Neither of them went to my middle school as former students, they were just invited by mutual friends.

I was pretty possessive over Mr.Hottie that day, mainly due to the fact that I wanted people to think that we were dating. Kinda fucked up to admit I was ashamed of Loverboy, but I only date ugly guys in private. I didn't want to hurt anyone.

I was overwhelmed. And before I left, Loverboy held me by my shoulders and asked me out.

I just stared, hoping he would take it back. But he didn't. He asked again. I didn't want to say no, but I couldn't open my mouth to say yes. He got so angry with me and he blamed me for everything.

I can't even explain it to you. I loved that school. Middle school was the only school I ever felt that I belonged to. I felt safe there. And Loverboy had ruined what in a span of two years had given me. I can never go back there again.

I wouldn't be telling you all this shit if I didn't think it was important. But I don't know if it is.

We remained exclusive regardless of what had happened. I don't know. I don't have an answer as to why I kept it going.

I imagined us moving in together after high school and having a baby. I imagined us working day and night because neither of us went to college.

But boys ruin everything.

I couldn't give him what he wanted. I couldn't walk the walk. I wasn't ready for anything sexual, the thought of it just disgusted me.

I managed to avoid it every time we were alone, but the X's and O's just weren't enough.

I was too scared to do anything else. Never once did it occur to me to have sex. I had no idea what blue balls were or what creampies were. I didn't know what it meant to pop the cherry or to eat someone out. I didn't even know where the hole was. I had never looked at myself down there.

I had no interest in sexual pleasures.

I was raised in a very sheltered, religious home with restricted internet. I still had a bedtime at the age of 20. I couldn't search up the word tampon without my family computer shutting down. I didn't know shit.

No one could've prepared me for this. To be in a situationship with Loverboy.

And though he said he was loyal to me I would watch him talk to other girls, smiling and laughing as he brushed his fingers against their arm.

He always kept in contact with his exes. He didn't want me being mean to them or anything like that. There was a list of things I couldn't do or else it would set him off.

But I couldn't just leave him, I couldn't just ghost him. He only made it difficult for me. His friends would intimidate me, he would guilt trip me and threaten to hurt himself.

So I stayed in place. And I think I know why he kept me around regardless if he actually liked me or not. Guys will settle for being your friend because they think that one day you will let them fuck. All you have to do is ask first, they almost always say yes.

Until Loverboy made his way into someone else's arms. Broke my 14-year-old heart.

He said I was just another one of his little hoes. But I think I still liked him.

You don't understand. No one does.

Anyways.

Loverboy, I know you used to drive by my house all the time to see if I was home. You're weird as fuck.

Lesson 5: Don't do drugs kids. The love be so fake, the hate be so real.