Black Diaries

66. How to Prevent Fornication and get Many Babies

The bishop awaited us at the altar, smiling. Well, at me, anyway.

"Welcome." He gave me a friendly nod—then a not quite so friendly one to my prospective husband. "Welcome, Farleigh. Before we begin... You do realize that the promises you make today you will actually have to keep, don't you?"

"Very amusing, your Grace," his Lordship answered, straightfaced.

"All right." The bishop cleared his throat. "Let's begin."

Smiling brightly, he raised the book in his hand, and announced: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Man," he nodded to his Lordship, "and this Woman," he nodded to me, "in holy Matrimony; which is an honorable estate, instituted of God in the time of man's innocence, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church; which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence, and first miracle that he wrought, in Cana of Galilee; and is commended of Saint Paul to be honorable among all men..."

I let the words wash over me like warm milk and honey. This was not like any wedding I had seen before. I could hear the ancient wisdom and spirituality in every word the bishop spoke, and it gave this moment the dignified beauty it deserved.

"...and therefore is not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites..."

My eyes flew wide open. What?

"...like brute beasts that have no understanding..."

Okay... maybe not quite as dignified as I thought.

"What the heck is going on here?" I hissed at his Lordship.

Can you believe he actually had the audacity to smile?

"The bishop is a bit of a traditionalist. That's the introduction to weddings from the Book of Common Prayer. It has remained unchanged since 1662."

"You don't say!"

His smile widened, and a mischievous twinkle appeared in his eye. "I would have thought any lady would find this extremely romantic. All Jane Austen's romance heroines were married to those words."

"They have my sympathy."

"...but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God;" the bishop carried on, happily, completely unaware of our whispered conversation. He was by no means done yet. "Duly considering the causes for which Matrimony was ordained: First, It was ordained for the procreation of children..."

Color shot to my cheeks, and I clenched my groom's hand so tight I thought I heard bones crack.

"...to be brought up in the fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy Name. Secondly, It was ordained for a remedy against sin..."

My cheeks assumed tomato-like qualities.

"and to avoid fornication..."

The tomatoes burst into flame. Soon, my dress would catch fire, and then I would be consumed in a red-hot fiery surge of fatal embarrassment. I just knew it! I knew it!

"...that such persons as have not the gift of continence might marry,"

My mouth dropped open. No! This was simply too much.

"Excuse me?" I hissed at his lordship. "Is he saying I'm getting married because I regularly pee in my pants?"

Lord Farleigh's shoulders were shaking. "'Continence' is a 14th century Middle English word, my dear Miss McKinney. It has nothing to do with urination."