Black Diaries

38. Paparazzi

As a veterinarian, you get the opportunity to hear a lot of strange animal screams. From the buffalo to the baboon, you've seen it all, or more literally heard it all. Most animals sound rather mundane. Some animals, however, make really interesting noises sometimes. So here's my top ten of interesting animal sounds:

10. Antelope: "Huh?" (Sounding surprisingly surprised)

9. Ibex: "Pfffft!" (With loads of spittle)

8. Farting frog: "Wheeeeeeee...."

7. Howling Howler Monkey: "RRRAAAAWR!" (Trust me, you really don't want to get closer than two miles to those guys.)

6. Pet squirrel: "Daa-daa-feet-feet!" (Cuteness factor: 100%!)

5. Male Kakapos: "Boom! Boom!"

4. Lucky when she's purring. (Indescribable. Cuteness factor: 120%!)

3. Roaring lion. (The classic, still popular among zoo visitors and veeery scary.)

2. Lucky when she's snarling. (Even scarier. Trust me, lions could learn something from her.)

And finally, my number one amazing and inimitable animal sound:

1. Bleach-blond skank who just got a goldfish dropped down the back of her dress: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak!"

Truly an amazing sound. As an expert, though, I can tell you that it is best appreciated from a distance. After picking up the fish from the floor and depositing it safely back in its aquarium, I retreated to a table in the corner and watched while blondie danced around, trying to get anything and everything wet and slippery out of her dress. There might have been a few bits of seaweed still stuck in there.

The photographers seemed to have lost interest in me for the moment. When there's a model in a wet dress squealing and doing a tap-dance in the middle of the Waldorf Astoria ballroom, less important news simply has to wait. The photographers got particularly interested when blondie started pushing her hand down her dress, trying to fish out whatever was still in there. A storm of flashes broke loose all around.

Smiling, I reached for a bowl of nougat cream and made myself another sandwich.

Elliot came over, looking at the dancing blonde with raised eyebrows. "What do you think is the matter with her?"

I shrugged. "No idea. Shall we dance again?"

"It will be my pleasure."

❤☠❤☠❤☠❤☠❤

Needless to say that the evening turned out to be very satisfactory. One nasty female flattened, seven wonderfully romantic dances with Elliot, no pictures of me in the press and ten million three-hundred forty-two dollars and fifty-nine cents donated in favor of the pink fairy armadillo.

There was only one thing that went wrong: people noticed. About the pictures, I mean, or rather, the lack of them. Apparently, for some weird reason, people wanted to know what I looked like simply because I was the girlfriend of the hottest and richest guy in New York City. They wanted it very much. I found that out when I left the house to go to work one morning, and a man jumped out at me from behind a parking car.

My instincts kicked in.

"Hi-ya! Take that, you miserable thug!"

"Ouf!" Doubling over, the man fell to his knees and I delivered another blow, this time to his side, that sent him sprawling.

"You think you can rob defenseless women in the middle of the day, do you? Well, think again, mister!"

I gave him another kick for good measure. Something silver and shiny clattered onto the ground. For a moment I thought it was a knife—but then I saw the lens.