Wounded

Chapter 28

"So Luke tells me you don't want to talk to Mum anymore." Beau spoke casually as he cornered me as I came out of the bathroom. I knew Luke was upset about it, but I just couldn't talk to her. Especially not after our last fight.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lied, not making eye contact with him. Beau let out a loud sigh. He was obviously growing frustrated with me too. Just like everyone else in my life. "I'm just tired and I don't want to deal with anything right now."

"Jai, what's going on with you? It's obvious that something is wrong with you, but I can't fix it unless you tell me what it is." Beau sighed. I looked away from him, unable to make eye contact with him. Beau would never understand. Luke didn't understand and he was my twin brother.

"I'm fine, Beau. Honestly." I lied. I couldn't help it. I didn't want to lie, but I had no other option. Beau would hate me even more of if he found out I self-harmed. Luke already hated me for it.

"That's just it, Jai. You're not fine at all. You haven't been for awhile. I can see that clearly. Everyone can. I don't know what else to do if you won't tell me what's wrong."

"I'm fine, Beau!" I snapped. "I just want everyone to leave me alone so I can d-"I cut myself off befoi could finish that sentence. I was about to say 'die' and from the look on Beau's face, he picked up on it as well.

"Jai, I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone right now. If you're sad or depressed I need to know."

"I-I I'm fine." I stared down at my feet, praying that Beau would drop the conversation and be done with it. That's what my family usually did when it came to me. I was the expendable one. The one that didn't matter and really just got in the way. I was the problem of the family and there was nothing I could do to fix that.

"Jai." Beau sighed. "I can't talk to you right now, but this conversation is far from over."

///

About an hour after Beau left me in my room, my phone started to vibrate. I looked down and saw that I was getting a call from my Mum. I didn't really want to answer it, but I knew I had to.

"Hey Mum!" I greeted with obviously false enthusiasm. I could hear her sigh even though she tried to hide it.

"Hey sweetie, Luke said you weren't feeling well so I thought I'd give you a ring. How are you feeling?" She asked. I let out a sigh. Of course Luke made up an excuse for me. He always does and he always will.

"I'm fine Mum." I promised her. She didn't really care about me. I was a mistake, after all. I only ever made her life complicated and difficult. I wish that things had been different, but they hadn't. That's all I had ever been to my mother. A mistake.

"You sure, Jai. I've been worried about you lately. You haven't been yourself for several months." Her voice sounded every bit like a concerned mother, but I knew better. She was only asking because she had to. Not because she cared.

"Yep!" I replied, popping the 'p'. "That's exactly why you said all those nice things to me when I left for America. What were those things again, by the way?"

"Jai, that's not fair." The happy tone had completely disappeared from Mum's voice. Instead, her tone held annoyance and exasperation. It wasn't my fault though. I knew that I shouldn't have said anything, but I knew that I needed to.

"How is that not fair, Mum?" I demanded. "I'm your son, just like Luke and Beau are. Yet you chose to not even give me so much as a goodbye when I moved to the other side of the world. How do you think that makes me feel? Oh wait, I forgot. Jai isn't allowed to question your decisions. He's supposed to go along with everything or you treat him like a total stranger."

"Jai, calm down-"

"Bye, Mum!"

I hung up my phone and threw it on my bed. I was so angry. With my Mum. With Beau. With Luke. With myself.

Myself...

I stood up and walked into the bathroom connected to my room. I needed to cut. I don't care how much Luke thought I had stopped or how worried a day pretended to be. I needed to cut so I could be happy. And I wouldn't be happy until that blood was dripping down my arm and I was one more day closer to dying.