To the Moon and Back (MJ fanfic)

Square One

I had never felt so bad in my entire life.

Two weeks had passed since the date and I was beginning to feel as worse physically as I was emotionally. Since then I had been as testy as a feather - all it took was a small wind and I was done for. I felt the most bad for Liam, because I was unbearable to deal with. I was emotional, and tired, and drained of anything resembling a spark, basically in auto pilot - but I tried to put on a good face for him. I had hoped this feeling would subside with time, but now I realized that it was an impossible task to ask for. Like Icarus to the sun, I got too close too Michael and now was dealing with the repercussions of falling back to the earth, and it was all out of my own foolishness.

As soon as I got home I was a bawling, sniffling, mess. Kate and Dan had Liam so my house was empty - which made the lonliness all the more worse, but I was happy he didn't have to see me like this.

I kicked off my heels as soon as I got through the door, ripped off my dress in my bedroom, pulled on some old sweat pants and crawling into bed. I wrapped the cool sheets around myself like a cocoon that saved me from the rest of the world. From all the guilt that I had brought upon myself, and the responsibilities that I had, and the shit storm that I could only blame myself for. I was in a hole so deep that I could barley see sunlight, and I was the only one holding the shovel.

Michael's words echoed in my head; "I want you to stay. I want you to stay..."

He deserved so much better than me. Someone who could stay, and who wouldn't walk out on him like I had so many times before - so much so that it was becoming a reoccurring pattern in our relationship.

Michael was a complicated man with a complicated life, and like a puzzle piece that was shoved into the wrong box, I didn't fit anywhere in the picture. And as soon as he knew about Liam, he would've wished he'd never met me. Maybe saved himself all of this headache that I've caused - which, on his side, must've seemed for no reason at all.

As I laid there in bed, I thought about all the lives I was screwing up. Giving Michael unneeded drama, giving myself the heartache, and stealing Liam's chance away of ever knowing his incredible Father. Maybe it was the champagne talking, but I began to realize how many things I actually ruined. That's what I did, I ruined people, and Michael deserved so much better. So so much. I put my tear stained and mascara ruined face into my pillow for the rest of the night and mourned for the lives I had incidentally taken from like a thief.

It was obvious to Kate that something was wrong with me - it was even obvious to Dan. But neither of them chose to say a word right away. I put on a smile when they visited, and thanked the heavens that they chose to take Liam away every other day, because in truth I didn't want my son to see his Mother break down over breakfast like I had almost done a few times. I missed my baby, and I wanted everything to go back to normal, but even though he spent time with his Aunt Kate and Uncle Dan - as if everything were fine - I knew he understood something was off in the dynamic of our house, and I hated that he was so perceptive sometimes. He was too smart. And I knew he didn't get that from me.

Somedays I'd catch myself watching him for no particular reason, as he smiled at a show or told me about his day. The way his facial expressions resembled his Dad's as he talked was uncanny, and how he'd pronounce words in a soft clear voice made my heart beat heavy in my chest. I even almost started crying the the market one evening when he asked if we could buy orange juice. I loved him more than anything in the world, but it was just so hard being around him when guilt consumed my every thought. He was a small version of Michael - a living and breathing piece of him that would jump on my bed to wake me up on Saturday mornings, and Jesus, it was hard to look at him sometimes without breaking out into tears. But I'd try to make this pass as well as I could, for him. So I could go back to being the Mom that he needed.