I love you... more (published)

Chapter-24

C’mon, Imran, that girl is hot’, Gauri said pointing out someone
on the road outside the Pizza Hut. I had noticed her too. She
was cute. However my definition of being cute had changed since I
met Megha. For me, she was the only one cute person in the world. I
could judge how far I had come by how long it took her to pop into
my head again. If I made it five minutes, it was impressive. The
memories from my past tortured me. My brain was just hardwired
to resurrect pictures, places, whispers, smiles, anything really when
I was my happiest.
‘No Gauri, I liked no one!’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes I am damn sure. You can see that I am fine now. I am over her.’
I was pretty good at pretending that I was happy alone or that I am
not completely broken. I acted okay at that moment, normal even.
Inside, the ache for her gnawed at the very heart that still beat
endlessly for her. I pulled my lips into a smile. It amazed me to think
how can I look so ordinarily normal when I have crumbled inside? I
closed my eyes and my throat tightened and I missed her. I let
myself miss her because I loved her, because she was mine and I was
hers in a way that I never thought was possible. I let myself grieve
for a few minutes, and then I rebuild the wall and I faced the world
again.
‘Okay, I am getting late. See you soon’. She said and drove away.
It was amazing how fresh the wounds felt to me. The pain came and
went away in waves. The pain of longing to be with her echoed
through the marrow of my bones. It was a chill wind trapped in my heart. I never knew that missing someone could take over every
fiber of your being and wring you out like a wet sponge every day. It
was a torment I was unprepared for.
I knew it will take time for me to make peace with the fact that she
and I were no longer ‘we’. I knew it will be a while before I find the
strength to re-arrange all the pieces and glue them back together,
instead of slapping a smile on my face and lying to everyone. I tried
my hardest to be brave for her, for both of us.
I also went back my home when Gauri left. I didn’t eat that day. I
was on the bed with her traces on it. It was 11:50 p.m. My face was
wet with tears. They rolled silently into my cracked lips, salty and
cold. I could listen to her laughter in the silence of the night. I could
feel her around me.
I loved her so damn much. I could never fathom why god would give
me someone so good only to snatch her away again. I closed my eyes
and prayed to God to ‘return her to me’.
Next morning I woke up and went to metro station. I promised
myself I will try my hardest to remember that this had happened to
both of us, not just me. It was a cruelty that the sun continued to
rise, to welcome in each new day devoid of her laughter or even her
grumpy complaints and sarcastic commentary.
I would never regret any of the time I had spent with her. Never,
ever. We were incredible and crazy and weird and perfect and that
was what made getting over her so astonishingly difficult and that
was why I missed her.
My phone beeped. It was a call from an unknown number. I picked
up the call.
‘If I tell you, I love you. Can I keep you forever?’ a melodious voice
came from the other side of the phone.
I was shocked. I was spellbound. I was numb. I was bewildered.
That was my proposal line to Megha. How could anyone else know that?
‘Idiot?’, I said. I don’t know why I uttered that word, what made me
say so. I just did.
‘Hmm’
‘Where are you?’, I asked my legs trembling and my voice fading off.
‘Just behind you’
I turned around to catch her glimpse. She was there. She was
standing near the stairs at metro station. I got a jittery feeling in my
belly. My palms became wet with sweat and a flutter of electricity
ran through my body. I couldn’t understand the various emotions I
was feeling. I was euphoric, giddy, nervous, exhausted, confused or
a combination of these emotions.
She came to me and stopped a foot in front of me. Irresistibly, I
hugged her. She clenched me tighter. Her arms wrapped tightly
around me, shielding me from the horrors of the world, keeping me
safe and warm. Quiet, no need of words, just a gentle acceptance.
‘I so deeply value your presence that I am taking this exact moment
to feel you, smell you, breathe with you, essentially being into my
cellular memory so that even though we may be apart, you will
always be with me in the living fabric of my existence’, she
whispered, hugging me. She was sobbing softly. The time went by in
fast forward and I desperately wished there was a pause button in
life so that I could be with her forever, frozen in that perfect
moment.
‘Do you want to be apart again?’, I asked.
‘No idiot’, she howled.
I fell for her again. Crap! I fell for her hug. I fell for her emotions. I
fell for her love. That feeling was indescribable. The moment you
know that you are falling in love with someone is one of the most exciting and terrifying moment in existence. Falling in love with
someone is scary because for the most part it is completely out of
your control. The heart wants what the heart wants. When the
elation, the nerves, the butterflies, the anxiety and the euphoria all
come together, somehow you just know.
You know you are falling in love when you forget you are hungry and
all you can think about is how amazing the other person is and when
you can sit in silence with the other person and feel like it is the best
conversation that you have ever had. Silence is one of the most
powerful things, as is communication without actually having to say
anything. And you know you are falling when you wake up and the
other person is the first thing that crosses your mind and the
thought of them immediately makes you smile. You know you are
falling when you can actually fall asleep with them in your bed.
Especially if you can fall asleep while they snore, and if you can
share the covers. You know you are falling when you want to know
every single thing about the other person.
You are falling when you trust them enough to tell them your
deepest, darkest secrets and you know they won’t run away. You feel
comfortable enough to be at your most vulnerable and you know
they will try and protect you from your demons and fears. You are
falling when all you want to talk about is the person you are falling
for. How sweet they are. How caring they are. How similar you two
are. You want to tell the world everything about them.
Love hits you like a ton of bricks. It knocks the air out of your lungs.
It is the best feeling in the world and I am the luckiest person in the
world because I relished this feeling twice in my life and the best
thing is with the same person.