Skinny Love [ON HOLD]

Chapter 7

My breathing stopped, just like it had when he told me he was going to kill himself. I think that’s why he told me, he didn’t want to leave it too late. I wanted to say it back, I was going to. But James shrugged and began to hobble away before I had the chance. I called after him.

“You don’t have to say it back” he mumbled before collapsing down by the tent and closing his eyes, drifting off to sleep as the alcohol and medication took its effect. I wasn’t quite sure what to do so I turned back around to face the boys. Miles was staring at me.

“You feel the same” he stated and I nodded. Something flashed across his face but he shook it off and went back to drinking his beer. I decided to sit down and finish my drawing of James by the fire.

Morning broke and everyone was asleep, except for me of course. I don’t think I’ve properly slept for two years though oddly enough I don’t get tired. I stood up and stretched my arms before packing up my drawing stuff.

“Hey” Bill mumbled sleepily as he crawled out of his tent.

“Hey” I said back. He pushed himself up and walked over to the cart “Have you fixed it yet?”

“Yeah” Bill nodded “The wheel was just missing something so I tightened the bolts and put a spare screw in. Should be okay for flat surfaces”

“What about bumpy ones?” Davy asked as he suddenly appeared out of his tent.

“James will have to walk” Bill replied simply. Davy looked at me with a slightly worried expression.

“He’ll be fine” I assured him though I was worried myself. James always puts on a brave face but I don’t think he’s going to be able to carry on walking for much longer.

Miles and James finally woke up and we shoved everything on the cart, including James, before Bill and Davy began to push it. James kept giving me glances. I’m not sure how much he remembered from last night but I think he remembered the important part.

We arrived at another densely wooded area but stopped because Davy thought it would be too bumpy to push the cart through with all the weight however Bill disagreed. They began to argue and Miles joined in. James sighed heavily before getting out of the cart and going to sit in a log nearby. I joined him.

“I’m sorry about what I said last night” he mumbled, refusing to look at me.

“Why?” I asked but he didn’t answer. Instead, we sat in a calm silence while the other boys continued arguing. Eventually I gave in and stood up.

“Do you mean why am I sorry or why do I love you?” James asked quietly. I took a minute to decide, knowing he’d only answer one question.

“How about when?” I turned around and looked at him as he hauled himself up so we were level. He took a minute to decide what he was going to say.

“On my seventeenth birthday” James began “We were in the grass together and you said ‘let’s count the stars’. I got to 4 and looked over at you. I counted the freckles that were sprinkled on your cheeks instead because they were warm and tangible and made my heart pitter-patter in my chest. The pinpricks that were laid in the sky were beautiful, but you were a different type of cosmic. I told you I counted 29 and you said ‘I counted 40, looks like I win’. But I think I won that night”. There was a long pause and James looked like he immediately regretted saying it. Before I knew it I was standing on my tip-toes, pressing my lips against his.

He tasted like morphine and cancer, but underneath the sickness was this brilliant warmth that reminded me of fireworks; the way they sparkle and shine, the explosion, the bright lights, but most importantly the kiss reminded me of how fireworks always fade too soon.

I carefully pulled away and went back down so my feet were flat. James opened his eyes and looked at me as I replied.

“I’m in love with you too”

“Wow” he whispered. Before we had the chance to say anything else, however, Bill, Miles and Davy started cheering from behind us.

“Finally” Bill rolled his eyes and I began to chuckle

“Been waiting fifteen bloody years” Miles added. James’ face spread into a wide grin and he held out his arm which I took. We walked back over to the cart. And you know what the funny thing was? Nothing had changed. It felt just the same between James and I and, in a way, I’m glad because it meant we knew how the other felt but it hasn’t affected our relationship.

“Did you plan that speech?” I asked and James smirked.

“Nah, made it up as I went along” he said and I knew he was lying but I played along.

In the end we decided there’d be too much weight on the cart for it to be stable on the bumpy ground of the forest so James had to walk while Bill and Miles pushed, Davy steered and I supported James (as usual).

“Listen, don’t be mad but I promised your mum I’d ring her in a bit” Davy suddenly said to James.

“But you only just called her last night” James sighed back.

“Yeah, but I promised…”

“Alright, alright” James was limping a little more than usual this morning but he ignored it “Tell her we have hope in our hearts and wings on our heels and after that, no more phone calls” he was really getting annoyed at the fact that everyone was worrying about him “And if you two have your bloody phones on you I’ll find them” he glared at Miles and I.

“I haven’t” Miles lied easily.

“Neither have I” I lied just as easily. Miles probably brought his phone for work but I brought mine because, if I didn’t manage to convince James not to kill himself, someone will have to ring the police or an ambulance for the body.

Before I had chance to think any more about it, the cart got caught on a tree root and nearly broke. Again. I sighed as Davy and Miles managed to shift it out. James held on to one side of the cart for support, just as Bill’s tree hit me and James in the face.

“Bill” James said carefully “We could just plant this tree...”

“No” Bill said firmly. Miles and I smirked at each other. We made it out of the wood about twenty minutes later and the ground was now suitable for James to sit in the cart. It was my turn to push him so I went round the back and was about to put my hands on the bars when James told me to stop.

“Why don’t I get to push you?” I frowned and Miles smirk, obviously thinking up some dirty reference to what I’d just said.

“Because I want to see you” James replied simply and stared up at the sun as if that was the most normal thing he’s ever said to me.

“Oh” was all I could say. I glanced and Bill and Davy who looked almost as surprised as I was. I cleared my throat before slowly walking back round to the side where James could see me. He glanced at me and smiled.

“Perfect”