See Spot Run

VIER: "WE'RE GROWN ADULTS, WE DO ADULT THINGS"

Margaret twirls the phone cord around her index finger as she watches Richard walk the goat outside. Her friend is aimlessly talking to her on the other end, and when she asks Margaret a question it takes her a minute to even register it. She rubs her temples and asks, "The girls? They're fine. They're spending the holidays in Switzerland.

"I don't know, there's some kind of New Year's party there. Like, black tie only. Everyone wears those little beepers clipped to their belts and eats mini hot dogs and stuff like that, it's supposed to be really fancy from what Spot told me.

"Do I mind? I don't...I don't think so."

Outside, Pippin tries to chew his leash off, and although he can't he almost succeeds at tearing Richard's arm out of its socket.

"I mean, they're both grown up now. I wish they were home, definitely, but I can't control that.

"Richard's...Richard, you know how that is." Margaret offers her friend her phoniest laugh. "He actually moved back in, we're spending the holidays together. He thinks it's gonna save our marriage or something.

"Hm? No, I definitely still love him. Not love love though. He's a fine enough person I suppose, but I don't regret getting divorced. He bought a goat, you know.

"Yeah, he calls it his attack goat. It's just...it's just a regular goat though. That's the thing. He said he wanted to get another dog, and he ended up getting a goat. I still don't understand how--"

The front door slams and Margaret sighs and tells her friend, "I have to go," as Richard and Pippin bumble up the stairs.

"Hi, Margaret!" Richard shouts with the excitement of a puppy.

Margaret gives her almost-ex a look of disappointment, identical to the one he received when she caught him snorting a fat roll of white lightning in a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom. "Hi, Richard."

"Who were you on the phone with?"

She considers asking him why he cares but quickly realizes that may be too harsh on him. "Ginger."

"Tell her I said hi too!"

She stares blankly at him, then the phone. "Sure, honey," she says, her lips slowly curling up into a sympathetic smile.

Richard beams at the prospect of possibly being called honey again and unhooks Pippin's leash, allowing him to trot down the hallway as Richard walks over towards the living room. "I was thinking," he begins to say as he clasps his hands together. His voice trails off as he spins around to look at Margaret and says, "I have a vision--"

"What is it?" Margaret asks, her patience already wearing thin.

"We need to decorate," Richard says, waving his hands around as he tries to explain.

Before he can, Magaret stares at him blankly and deadpans, "But...I do decorate." Margaret dedicated a few years of her life to Pier 1 Imports back in the 80s, a task that shows through nearly everything in the goddamn house being bought with her employee discount. Richard, who has been told that he has no eye for interior design on multiple occasions by Margaret, never exactly noticed all of the hard work she put into making their home look slightly less shitty than it was when they bought it, nor did he really care.

"I mean for Christmas! We're so far into December already, and we haven't even--"

"Why would we do that?" Margaret asks immediately, sending Richard into a state of shock. "We're grown adults, we do adult things."

"Decorating for Christmas isn't an adult thing?"

Margaret looks at Richard like he fucked right off and grew a second head. "No."

"B-but..." Richard stammers, almost admitting defeat until he remembers something that could single-handedly save the day, if not the remainder of the year. "Stay right here," he says, pointing at Margaret and jogging towards the spare room and returning with two of the most frayed and ugly Christmas sweaters they've ever laid eyes on.

He shakes the dust off and flaunts them in all their itchy, sparkly glory. "Remember these? From the ugly sweater party? These puppies were first place winners!"

Margaret gives Richard a sympathetic smile and says through gritted teeth, "Richard, put them back."

"Why are you being such a Grinch this year?"

"Where's the goat?"

Richard sighs as his patience slowly slips away and asks, "Can you answer my question?"

"Find your goat and I will."

"Pippin's our goat, first of all--"

Margaret snorts and shouts, "Are you kidding me? You bought him! He isn't our joint responsibility, he's another stupid impulse buy because you have no self-control!"

Richard tenses up and tightens the grip on his Christmas sweater as Margaret's filled with immediate regret over what she said. She sighs and slumps her shoulders. "Richard, please don't get upset."

Richard crosses his arms and looks down at his feet, leaving Margaret with no other option than to envelope him in a hug. "It's just that the kids moved out and we're separating, and I don't have any reason to celebrate Christmas this year."

Margaret smells like a Bath and Body Works, and if Richard could live this moment for the rest of his life he would. He breathes deeply to inhale her perfume and then peels himself off of her chest, nodding his head as he processes what she said.

She smiles sympathetically, like the look she gives when she hates Spot's outfit but doesn't have the heart to actually say it. "You understand where I'm coming from, right? Our daughters aren't even in the country, there's just no reason."

"No no, I understand," Richard says. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "It's just...this is the last Christmas. Like, ever. After Y2K, what are we gonna do? There will be nothing, society's gonna collapse--"

Every semblance of sympathy Margaret held towards Richard vanishes. "Richard," she says in an icy tone that immediately shuts him up. "I want you to think long and hard about what you're saying right now."

"I am! It's a very pressing issue, we only have a few weeks left before life as we know it is radically changed forever."

"...Go find the goat."

"You can't keep using him as an excuse to end our conversations!"

"Watch me!" Margaret shouts as she slams the bedroom door shut.

"You can't just ignore your problems, Maggie!" Richard yells at the door.

"It's impossible to even have a conversation with you anymore! You're childish!"

"Child--Maggie, my problems are realistic!"

"I just find it so hard to believe that you actually buy into this Y2K bullshit. It's ridiculous that I even have to argue with you about it."

Richard leans against the door and sighs. "You know I don't like arguing with you. I want to make this work."

The silence that follows speaks volumes, but after a minute of contemplation Maggie sniffles and softly says, "It won't work."

"I'm still trying, I'm never gonna stop trying--"

"But, I don't like fighting with you either." 

The door swings open and Richard scrambles to get off the floor. Margaret looks down at him and smiles softly. "Can you at least do me a favor?"

He nods with the excitement of a newly trained puppy.

Her smile widens, and Richard swears that she's never looked more serene, more angelic as she says, "You need to stop trying to win me back."