I've always wanted to kill myself,
I don't think I've ever said that aloud.
Is it weird I've always wanted to die?
But just never knew how?
I was 10 when I first attempted to die,
I had just moved schools.
We all know how that can go,
So I tried to drown myself in a pool.
It didn't quite go as planned of course,
I passed out and just floated to the top.
It was in the moment and unplanned,
The life guard just thought I did a weird belly flop.
I was 12 when I started to cut myself,
It felt nice to redirect my pain.
A tiny vacation, a bit of bliss,
Other girls in my class thought I was insane.
I was 16 when I overdosed on pain meds and cheap vodka,
I sat in my bath tub expecting to fall asleep and pass.
But instead my stomach threw it up,
For a few days I was a mess.
I had just turned 18 when I started cutting again,
Alone and terrified I dug too deep.
3 stitches & a few days in the psych ward sobered me up,
Because then I met a bit of light who told me not to leap.
I am now 19 1/2 And my depression comes and goes,
when it goes i'm exhausted but i can still get up.
Although when it comes i feel like i'm drowning,
As if water were filling my lungs.
There are days when my smile feels real,
as if i'm finally better.
And a part of me knows that's because you're here,
I feel like i can handle the stormy weather.
I wonder what you'd think,
if you knew you were one of the only people i continue to breathe for.
I wonder what you'd say,
If you could see what i do to myself behind closed doors.
I've always wanted kill myself,
And i could always find a reason why.
But up until now,
I've never had a reason to stay alive.
