Unbreakable - Surviving the Truth · (Roswell Fanfiction) ·

FIVE

Would you rather have been with Sean than me?

The question, pulled from his darkest parts, echoed in the space between us.

It made me angry more than anything. Slowly, I put the bowl of chicken broth back on the tray. 

I looked up to meet his black eyes head on. Slowly, pronouncing every word distinctly, I said, "Of course not."

"That's not what I heard." He still sounded so cold. Nothing like Max. But I recognized his behavior for my own. He was defensively retreating behind a wall to not get hurt. To protect himself against any possibly unpleasant answers I might provide. 

Unhindered by my own understanding, the chill was working itself into my very bones. 

"I heard your conversation with yourself before."

"You misunderstood," I tried, because he must have. I never intended for it to sound as if I would willingly choose Sean before Max.

Tightly, he said, "You were comparing your current life to a life with Sean." I noticed his fist clench against his thigh. "Making a life with Sean seem almost cozy in comparison."

"You can't be serious." Anger escalated, its heat pushing at the chill. "In that case, you didn't hear me at all."

He was dangerously calm, almost frozen in his seat. "I hate that you have been forced into this life. I hate that I have been part of hurting you. But for you to consider that a life with Sean would have been better-"

His facade of detachment made my own pool of emotions explode.

"I didn't say that!!" I yelled, making the tray and all its components shake in its unstable foundation on the bed. 

"You might as well have," he replied, not raising his voice a single decibel.

"You know as well as I do that this is an impossible situation," I cried and sighed inwardly. That's not what I wanted to say. That sentence might have just made things worse.

"You would rather live with weekly memory erasures, rape, and being depleted of your energy - effectively risking your life - than to be with me."

"NO!" I cried, pushing my hands through my hair in frustration. "Nothing could replace you. This has nothing to do with you."

Fuck, I cursed myself silently, frustration at not being able to explain it properly blending with fear of him misunderstanding me. I'm making it worse.

He wasn't listening. His jaw tightened and he bit out, "Did you ever consider how it would feel for me to have to heal you as a result of his methods, over and over again, knowing that I could do nothing to save you? That you had already bonded with him? We might as well have been dead, both of us. Death would be less painful."

"Listen to me," I pleaded, the desperation breaking my voice. "Please-"

"I never forced you to be with me. If there was any other way to save you, I would-"

"Listen to me!" I cried.

He couldn't get any stiller than he already was, but at least his mouth closed and he pressed his lips together.

When giving the chance to speak, I found myself without words.

Go ahead, he told me telepathically, his mouth still tight, his eyes black.

"I was thinking about free will," I started, my voice softening. "And you know, as well as I do, that neither of us have much in that department right now."