A Fantasy Roast

Eragon (Inheritance Cycle)

The Roast of Eragon

As seen on Fantasy Central

September 15, 2011

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Arya: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Arya Stark from "Game of Thrones" and we're coming to you live from Alagaesia! (audience applauds) Anyway, get ready for the roasting of the one and only Eragon Shadeslayer, star of the Inheritance Cycle! (applause from audience as Eragon is brought in by Lyra Belacqua of His Dark Materials and Peeta Mellark of The Hunger Games. He is tied up and has a strip of duct tape across his mouth.) Did you guys really have to tie him up like that?

Lyra: Well, I told him not to sign that gag order, but no, he chose NOT to listen to me! So I guess that he got what he deserved! (audience laughs)

Arya: Ok, since our guest of honor can't speak for himself, please feel free to bash him as much as you like! So are we ready to get this roast going? (audience cheers) Let's get started then! (Lyra and Peeta drag a protesting Eragon to his seat as someone comes to the microphone)

Charlie Bone: Eragon, you think you're so cool, but in reality, you're a douche! (audience laughs) You think you're so cool just because you have a dragon, but I have cool ancestors, unlike your messed-up family! (audience laughs)

Edmund: Out of all the dragon stories that I've read, your story bored me so much that I gave up on fantasy altogether! (audience laughs) And this came from the kid who traded everything for Turkish Delight too! (audience laughs; Eragon frowns, which is hard to do with tape across his mouth)

Harry: Eragon, you have ragged on me for not having dragons in my story, but the truth is, you yourself aren't all that great either, especially since the villain in your story isn't even worth beating to begin with! (audience laughs)

Farid: Eragon, if I had any inkling that you would be the big hero, I thought wrong because all I see here is just a loser with an oversized lizard. (audience laughs)

Percy: Sometimes I wonder if Eragon could fight against Kronos...which would make for a better story! (audience laughs)

Sansa: Going along the lines of that, I must admit that Eragon can't save the world if his life depended on it! (audience laughs) I mean, this guy has a dragon and yet he wins by using dumb luck? Come on! How many times have we seen this crap? (audience laughs)

Artemis (Fowl): If I had a dollar for every time that someone mentioned how great Eragon was not, I'd have enough money to buy out his writer! (audience laughs)

Luke Skywalker: Ok, we have an orphaned farm boy who rises up and becomes a great hero. Wait, haven't we seen this before? Oh yeah, that was me! (audience laughs)

Meggie: I once tried to read the books, but everything in them felt so lifeless, like nothing ever came to life! (audience laughs)

Legolas: I don't know what to say about Eragon, but I have some words for his girlfriend...Arya is such a total disappointment. I mean, she's like this super tough warrior but yet she cries for help when Eragon is so freaking incompetent he can't even help himself. Am I right? (audience laughs)

Arya (not Arya Stark): Oh come on guys, Eragon is a hero! Why can't you treat him with respect? If it weren't for him, then you'd all be under the thumb of a horrible tyrant!

Bella: That would be a whole lot better than being saved by a pathetic hero!

Arya (not Arya Stark): And besides, everyone knows that Eragon can take on anyone, villain or no.

Katniss: Oh shut it, you! If Eragon were to compete in the Hunger Games, I'd kill him before the first 5 minutes are over! (audience laughs)

Arya: Well, now that we have heard everyone's honest opinions about Eragon, I guess we'll have a few words from our guest of honor. (applause from audience as Lyra rips the duct tape from Eragon's mouth)

Eragon: Come on guys, I know you were only kidding, right? You wouldn't really be saying those things if Saphira was here, or would you?

Tyrion: Oh, I'm not sure if you should be talking, because I know someone who has the final say on this matter...(Daenerys shows up)

Danny: Well, well, well, if it isn't little dragon failure! I should say that, because I have THREE dragons!

Audience: Oooooooohhhh!

Danny: I'm not done yet! I also must say that I will be better than you on ALL accounts...(just then, Kanye West shows up)

Kanye: Eragon, you think you're a great dragon rider, but I have news for you: Hiccup from "How to Train Your Dragon" is a much better dragon rider than you are! (audience laughs. Eragon storms off the stage)

Arya: I have to hand it to Eragon; if it weren't for him, we'd never figure out that stories about girls with dragons are so much better, am I right? (audience cheers) Well, I'm Arya Stark and this has been the roasting of Eragon! Goodnight, everyone! (applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll)