A Fantasy Roast

Jace Wayland (The Mortal Instruments series)

(after an 8-month hiatus, the roasting is back on!)

The Roast of Jace Wayland 

As seen on Fantasy Central 

August 21, 2013

Jacquel Rassenworth: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! You know me, you love me, you can't live without me! We're coming to you live from the Institute! (Audience applauds) We're going to be telling Jace Wayland exactly what we really think of him, and not all opinions about him are good. (Applause from the audience as Jace is dragged onto the stage by Arya Stark and Bree Tanner.)

Jace: You gotta be kidding me!

Jacquel Rassenworth: No, we're not. So, who's ready to do this roast? (Audience cheers) Let's begin! (Someone comes to the microphone)

Edward: Well, I have some strong words for Jace Wayland: you have annoyed and intimidated me for the past four years. I can't stand him at all.

Jacob: Yeah, who does he think he is?

Edward: He called us all poofies and tried to flirt with Jacquelyn.

Jacquelyn: And you want to know what he said to me? "Why do you waste your time with these immature Unholy bastard children of a bulbous lobster-breeding squid? You should be with me instead. They can use someone like you at the Council." (crowd laughs)

Jace: You know you want me.

Jacquelyn: And you're just a jerkfaced excuse of a dinosaur-headed crab! (Crowd laughs)

Jacquel Rassenworth: Oh, the brutality of honesty! Let's hear it for the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club!

Katniss: If Jace were in the Hunger Games, I'd beat him! (Crowd laughs)

Charlie Bone: I say that if Jace met Manfred, the school would not survive. (Crowd laughs)

Quil: If Jace lived in my world, we'd tear him apart! (Crowd laughs)

Percy: If Jace showed up at Camp Half-Blood, (which he did) I hope that Luke can fight him off! (Crowd laughs)

Tyrion: And if Jace comes to King's Landing, I don't think that the Seven would help us. (Crowd laughs)

Jacquel Rassenworth: And that was the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club. Who else wants to say something?

Clary: Well, I have a few words to say about Jace...

Jace: Clary, why are you here?

Clary: In that case, I joined the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club. Guess what? Even I think that you're kind of a jerk! (Crowd laughs)

Ron: Also, why do you have to be such a dickhead? Even Malfoy wasn't as bad as you are! (Crowd laughs)

Jacquelyn: Plus, I know who you are and I know what you do! You think you can seduce me? I already had enough of that from that hermaphrodite! (Crowd laughs)

Eragon: I have a few things that I want to say about Jace...

Jacquel Rassenworth: Oh my, look at the time! We gotta wrap this up! I'm gonna go meet with my friends at the theater so we can go see "City of Bones"!

Eragon: But I want to make some jokes about Jace.

Jacquel Rassenworth: No you can't. Let's have Jace say a few words...(Jace goes to the microphone)

Jace: So you all think that you can insult me and get away with it? And who are you to say that I'm a jerkface?

Edward: You have infiltrated my story long enough!

Jacob: Plus, you called Leah "uglier than Ugly Betty"! I'm not letting that go at all!

Edward: And how can you insult us like that? I can't believe that you could impress Stephenie Meyer to the point that she wants to be with you more than me!

Jace: Oh, what do you know, you pathetic bastard children of a goat-headed worm? I do hope that you watch my movie! And as for the rest of you, your jokes suck. Where do you come up with this crap? And as for those demigods, you all better become my friends or else!

Percy, Ron, & Jacquelyn: Not on your life!

Jacquel Rassenworth: And that's all for tonight! I'm Jacquel Rassenworth and this has been the roasting of Jace Wayland! Goodnight, everyone! (applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll)