Soooooogoooood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks KEnoshaChick! Such a moving and powerful chapter!
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I sat in my car for about twenty-five minutes after I parked in the garage. I messed with the computer in the dashboard for a while. My music was already programmed into it. Alice had already added playlists with titles like "Music that makes you smarter" and "Music that makes you drive too fast" and "Music that annoys your father." She'd also needlessly programmed the GPS with my favorite locations. I didn't need the directions considering the furthest location was Seattle and I could easily recall how to get there. I'd been so many places since I received this car as a gift and none of them were on the list. She'd bookmarked a used bookstore in Olympia, a theatre in Port Angeles, and the camping grounds in Olympic National Park. And the beach. Of course, the beach. The beach on the reservation I just left. I'd shared a hundred walks with Jacob on that beach. He taught me how to swim and surf there. He, along with both my parents, each had an unwarranted panic attack when I jumped off a cliff the other pack members would jump from. This stupid expensive car suddenly felt far too compact and I barely pulled the key out of the ignition before I threw myself out. I may have damaged the door with the force I inflicted upon it.
My chest constricted painfully as I walked into the main house. I ran from the car because of the memories thinking of La Push forced into my head, but even the living room of my grandparent's home brought forth recollections of my childhood with Jacob. The chessboard where we played. The couch where we watched and bickered over trashy television shows. Everything was Jacob.
Clutching my scalp until I caused kinks in my naturally curly hair, I sank down to the floor, leaning against the coffee table to stay upright. I focused solely on my breathing, using every ounce of strength not to cry. I didn't deserve to cry. I didn't even deserve to feel sad about this. I was the one who did the breaking. I ran the rationale through my head over and over, but it didn't stop my eyes from burning with tears. I wasn't just losing a brother, a best friend, or a boyfriend. I was losing something I couldn't even define. But that never meant I wanted to hurt him. It never meant I wanted to eradicate him from my life. When I left this morning, I never intended to decide what Jacob was to me, but that was essentially what I had done. It hurt like hell.
I heard the soft scuffle of my mother's well-worn Converse against the wood floor. She was the only one in the family who could get away with wearing such well-used shoes. She stopped giving any interest in Alice's fashion advice long ago. She gasped and flew to my side when she found me doubled-over on the floor.
"Renesmee? What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I lied. I couldn't hide my red face but I managed to keep my voice from cracking.
"What's going on? Didn't you go to the reservation this morning?" she asked urgently.
"Yes." I coughed.
"What happened? Is Jacob okay?"
"He's fine." It wasn't a complete lie. Alright? Okay? Fine? They're all generic and relative terms.
"Was he still angry?"
My suspicions were confirmed. She finally acknowledged Jacob was angry with me, which meant she knew exactly what I had done to him the night he visited. I tried to imagine what she thought I would accomplish by going to see him this morning. Did she envision Jacob returning with me hand in hand? He'd give her a platonic kiss on the cheek then bust right into a dig on Aunt Rosalie right before sharing a joke with Uncle Jasper. Did she think everything would just go back? Or did she think- or did she hope- it would be something more?
