I woke up from a dream that doesn’t make sense at all. It’s the two of us lying in my bed together. You were talking about marriage and how many kids you want while I just keep on laughing at your ideas. We always do that, talking about our future. It seems so real until I woke up and you weren’t there beside me. Your absence from my bed served as a painful reminder that you are gone, not for work but for good.
I was a wreck, a total wreck. Yeah, I went to work and doze myself to stuff that don’t even matter at all to me. I indulged myself to drinking that made my friends so worried. I make myself miserable. My friends tried their best to get me on the right track. They were there the first time I cried. They never left my side.
The day I realize I have to move on, I immediately took off the ring he gave me on our third anniversary and throw at the file of trash outside the doorway. I found myself cleaning and rearranging everything that could possibly remind me of him. I started reprocessing my life without him. Tried my best to start over and get my old life back.
Every time I feel like cracking up, I always think of what my best friend said “You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think because he doesn’t want you anymore, you feel like garbage, that’s why you’re making yourself one? You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. It shouldn’t be like that. Especially when you put it with somebody you love. You can’t own someone. Therefore you can’t lose what you don’t own.” And then she asked me, “Do you even notice how the color of the sun changes from the time it rises until it goes down?” I shake my head. “See, because you’re turning your whole life to him. You just give it away, hand it to him.” Upon hearing those words, I just snapped back to reality.
Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter. That just sucks though.
