My Silenced Cries

Death, Pain, and Waiting... but for what?

Death... It's such a powerful word when some people think about it they begin to cry or fear the day it will happen.... when I think of death I think of an escape, a simple way out of this world... it's problems and it's sorrow and pain. 

Pain... Pain is such a powerful emotion that can drive us to do crazy things, it can make us strive for better or it can knock us down so hard that we are not capable of standing back up to fight, so we lie there waiting to die, waiting to be taken away from the hurt and the sorrow and the pain because we can't take anymore hurt or anymore pain because we're broken from all the torment and punches so we sit and we wait... 

We wait and we wait, we don't work to do better, or heal or mend the broken heart we just let out life crush it even more till its ground into a fine powder and we cant speak or function properly and then we die many years later after we put ourselves through all that misery all that extra pain but for what? Why do we do this? 

Because when something or someone is taken or lost or broken that we will never get back all we want is to die, and until that thing or that person comes back into our lives as normal we will never be the same and we don't want to feel loved because it will never be the same as when it was when we had that person in our lives or that thing. 

This is true for many people. When all they can think about is death and killing themselves or hurting themselves in any way shape or form because they feel they deserve this for making that person want to leave or they feel that God took that person from them for something they did so they deserve the extra pain that this was supposed to happen and they start to hate themselves for it and they stop seeing the good in themselves and they stop trying to better themselves and they loose that drive to do everyday things like get out of bed or eat or go to school or work. 

This starts ruining them as people but most people don't care they can't take it anymore and they just want to sit there till they die out. This is also true for many people for some it's worse than others but I do know that once someone starts to hate themselves it's sometimes almost impossible for them to fully love themselves ever again and if they can't love themselves then they won't except the fact that anyone else loves them or ever could. 

But there is always that shining hope... that someday someone will come along and fix it... but once the glass is shattered... who has the kind of time and patience to mend it... to put it all back together and fix everything... no one...

Sitting in this dark shadowed corner hiding from the world and only taking the bad staring at the loaded pistol at my feet, legs crossed duct tape in one hand four small silver bullets in the other; that could potentially stop the pain, I pick up my fresh new sharpie draw a butterfly, name it after you, and cut it to shreds with my small switchblade... but does it really kill you? 

No...

I still have to deal with you... 

You're still in my life, and you'll never leave...

Always there and your actions there too.

Your killing me, your killing us, your hurting everyone. 

But why would you care?  You wouldn't... Because that would mean you had a heart... 

The burning from the sharp metal is indescribable... distracting... and worthless...

Your words cant hurt me anymore... instead they crush me... 

You yell at me telling me what I can and cannot do... but who are you to say?

oh wait... your my everything...

or at least... I thought you were...