Guard my Heart (ON HOLD)

Chapter Two

PRESENT DAY

The sun gleamed off of the headstone, making it hard to read the names scripted on it. But I knew every word on it off by heart by now. 

'Niall & Jennifer Fallon

Died 10th September 2011

Remembered by their family and friends'

Another thing that inhibited my view of the words on the shining stone were the tears that had formed in my eyes. Everyone that I had ever loved was gone. Nobody was left. First Noa-.. I couldn't even bear to think his name. First him, and now my parents. All car accidents. All I could have prevented. 

If I had just gone after Noah that fateful night five years ago, he would still be here today. With me. If he was still alive, I wouldn't have needed those counselling sessions. My parent's wouldn't have had to collect me every Thursday at five from the counsellor's office. They wouldn't have plunged off of a cliff to avoid hitting a deer. They wouldn't have died.

Tears were forcefully spilling from my eyes now, making any attempts at reading the headstone impossible. This happened every day I came here. Every day I would come here, and every day I would break down. I wasn't dealing with my grief. In the seven months that my parents had left me to face this world on my own, I seemed to be deteriorating. I would never accept this. Like I still didn't accept No-, his, death. 

Giving one last, lingering look at my parents graves, which were overloaded with fresh flowers that I watered every day, I walked deeper into the graveyard. My tattered converse crunched against the pebbles that made up a small pathway among the dead. He had gotten me these converse for my seventeenth birthday. They had cost a pretty penney and I had no doubt that he had worked overtime to scrap up the money to buy them.

I always came to see him after my parents. I had gone to see him every day before they died too. Five years of daily visits to the last reminder of his life.. It took it's toll on me. 

As usual, my breath hitched in my throat and a lump formed in it when his headstone came into view. This always happened. I would like to say that I had gotten used to it as the years passed, but it still overwhelmed me every time. Trying desperately to breathe in and out, I took slow steps towards it before sitting in my usual spot in front of it. 

This part of the graveyard was pretty secluded, hidden from the view of passing vehicles. I was able to cry and shake without feeling embarrassed. Hardly anyone came here, and when they did, they would take no notice of me. 

As I looked at the writing on his headstone, I had no trouble reading it. The big oak trees blocked the glare of the sun, and my mind was still in shock for any tears to form. The shock that he was really dead still hit me. His chocolate brown eyes would never light up again.. His lips would never smile.. His hands would never tickle me to death.. Death.. A word I had used so casually in sentences before all of this. I despised the word now.

'Noah Williams,

January 7th 1989 - November 23rd 2007

Gone but never forgotten.' 

"I miss you." I choked out. It was barely a whisper but it took all the strength I had to push the lump down my throat and try to remain calm this time. To have some dignity this time. 

Some leaves had gathered around the base of his headstone since yesterday, so I reached over and brushed them away softly, allowing my hands to linger on the cold, granite headstone.

I started breaking down then. Small gasps unwillingly left my throat and I leaned over, resting my forehead against the headstone, trying to find some comfort from it. Trying to find him.