I hate dancing. As a kid I had participated in a cowboy dance because a boy fell sick the same day, and I was the only other person who remembered all the steps. But that doesn't mean I liked it. The only reason I can think of is that I hate making a fool of myself. And dancing, obviously, ends up making me look like an idiot.
'You are going to dance tonight.' Zeal really doesn't give up though. She's been messaging me the same since morning, even when she knows I'm not going to. Topaz has been nagging me too, even though he isn't invited.
'Yes ma'am. We'll see as I get there.' I reply back, throwing my phone on the bed, plopping myself down.
Fast forward me getting ready, a nail paint spill in the taxi and my humble apology to the driver along with a stop for some acetone and cotton. I reached safe and sound thirty minutes late but still the third one to be there at Agastya's party. It was his eighteenth birthday and I had forgotten his gift home. It didn't really matter, we had an 'I'll-never-be-nice-to-you' relationship anyway.
'You look nice.' he comments. I knew that wasn't true, I had a hideous jacket on. Girls alone in a taxi wasn't always the safest in India. It was better to be safe than sorry.
'Thanks, where is everyone?' I say nevertheless.
'On their way I suppose. Have a seat till they get there. I'm checking the arrangements on the terrace. You'd look nicer without the jacket by the way.' I sat down and waited.
People began pouring in. Music was blaring at crazy volumes. I stood by where all my friends were dancing. At least that way they'd probably think I'm doing the same. The food is delicious though. At this rate I'm going to overflow myself with starters. A few people were getting tipsy. Others were completely sober and dancing like the night was going to end, and with it, their fun. Zeal arrived in the middle of the chaos.
'Thanks for ditching me Z.' I murmured.
'You know you love me Revvy.' She beamed. Agastya made his way towards her and tried wrapping her in a hug which she gracefully declined by filling his hands with a paper bag instead.
What most people didn't know about Zeal was her social awkwardness. She loved having fun but didn't know how to. She craved hugs but couldn't bring herself to do the same. Talking to strangers was weird and showing the weird side of her to others next to impossible, but if she did, you should consider yourself a lucky person.
The rest of the party went in screaming - at least for me. I made up for not dancing by singing in everyone's ears (as if the music wasn't loud enough) and jumping to the beat. Agastya took hold of his girlfriend none of us had heard of and twirled her in the middle of the dance floor. Everyone cheered them on till the next song came up.
My phone vibrated. 'Are you dancing yet?'
'No Topaz, I'm not. I'm enjoying the music and sitting in the corner from time to time, hogging on food that no one cares about. Food is bae. What are you doing?'
Just seconds later I see a 'BYE GO DANCE' on my screen and that was it.
I was waiting for the party to get over when it finally did. I guess I go to parties only because it gives me an excuse to dress up. I'm not a huge fan of pictures either, so I end up being the designated photographer.
I felt dead when we got into the car. There were six of us so Zeal sat on my lap till home.
'Hey, do you guys want to go for a drive?' Tamanna asked from the drivers seat. She always drove us around. Ahilya was getting late but agreed. Agastya and Aarsh nodded frantically. 13 of us made the squad. All five people I cared about a tiny bit more were in the car though. Perhaps we were the sqaud in a bigger squad.
'Tamanna you're on the way to the sea link!' Aarsh screamed over the EDM surroudning us.
'Of course I know that.' We barely processed what she was saying.
'What do you plan to do? You really want to pay the toll?' Zeal couldn't help but ask.
I could see Tamanna's eyes twinkle. This wasn't good. She sped up some more.
'We're going to take a UTurn from the construction point, people. Talk no more.'
And off we went, into the darkness at more than 120km/hr. With our windows rolled down, we could feel the wind slash right past us.
'Hold me tight, I think I'll fall!'
'Don't be irrational Z.' Still, I held her close because it gave me a sense of security too.
This adrenaline one gets doing something wrong which is actually completely harmless is what makes something special. Parties for me were boring. On the other hand, wind deafening you, peeling off a layer of your skin and ruffling your hair messing it up more than humanely possible gives you the feels. Putting your arm around someone for their security and getting some in return spreads warmness in us already warm blooded creatures. The music, the atmosphere and mystery of the night are all secret elements that rejuvenate you. And lastly, the most important thing - being in the company of your friends and people you can lean on.
All of this makes you feel alive.
I made realization #1 that day (and over the period of time of course because realizations almost never happen in a day). Only do what gives you the 'feels'. There is no point of living if you don't feel alive.
And you absolutely had to keep doing things.
Often, I felt lonely, even after being surrounded by people I loved. I ignored the loneliness, thinking it was momentary. But a couple of years later today when I'm not on speaking terms with them, I accept the loneliness and try doing something with it. It was hard initially, removing those people from my life, feeling like I had no one and crying every night before I slept. It is still hard.
But I coped.
I went for a social service camp with half of my class and we worked our asses off for seven days, had a brilliant time at night. I went for a spiritual trip with my family close after. Two vacations down and it was time to work on something. So I worked for a couple of months and that helped.
Writing helped, reading helped, running helped.
So it is important, you know, to keep yourself busy with stuff you enjoy doing but also figure out how to be alone and happy at the same time.
Just thought I'd put that thought there because we never think about loneliness when we don't feel it.
