We Can Put The Past Away

Chapter 5: Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away

Chapter 5: Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away

Chapter Songs:
-Hoppipolla by The Vitamin String Quartet -Dust Bowl Dance by Mumford & Sons  -Change by Deftones -Such Great Heights by The Section Quartet  ________________________________________________________   "Would you like me to tell you something from my past Annabel," I was so close to her now that I could feel her hot breath on my cheek and her eyes growing wide in anticipation staring into mine. I felt my self get nervous as my palms began to sweat, and my heart began to beat a mile a minuet. I was so scared too let her in before, but now it was a dying need for her to know anything and everything about me in a way that we could connect on a whole new level that we have not beaten yet.

    "Yes," and in that one word I could tell she was just as eager and nervous as I am.   So I grabbed her hands leading her to one of the park benches, figuring my past was a topic best sat down for.

  "Well I guess what started my troubled life is when my mother killed herself when I was just seven. I still had my dad, but not really. I was just basically taking care of myself for the next five years until my dad gave up and left me all alone at age twelve. I was a special case really, I should have gone straight to foster care until I was adopted. However since I was a trust fund baby ,and I had displayed immense maturity for taking care of my self already for so long that I became a ward of the state. So basically I had a care taker who took me to school, home, and this under the table job I had gotten at a Mechanics shop. Other wise I lived in my own house. The state also was in control of my money so I got checks for allowances for certain things like food, home supplies, school supplies, etc.   

When I moved to Manhattan Victoria was the first friend I met. We went to middle school together and one day I was sitting alone in my normal spot at the swings and to my surprise Victoria sat next to me. We started talking and sure enough she came back everyday where we talked about our lives. She was a foster kid who lived with five other kids in a town house three blocks away from my apartment. We visited each other often, and she liked to stay the night at my place a lot. We talked about our hopes and dreams,and how one day we would have a family of our own that we would never abandon.   

Sure enough we started dating towards the end of eight grade. We were always together, can't remember a time where we weren't together. She was the popular one, and I met all my friends through her. Victoria was also the one who introduced me to drugs, we all smoked weed together in her friends house for my 13th birthday. Weed was really all I ever did, but Victoria got into deeper stuff once she started going to raves freshman year of high school. I didn't go with her often but when I did we usually would take molly.

Towards the end of freshman year Victoria started getting really bad with the drugs stuff, I tried to get her to quit before she would kill her self, but she didn't listen.    That summer Victoria disappeared for awhile, I couldn't find her anywhere. I talked to her foster parents and they said she just stopped showing up. I talked to all of our friends and they said that they hadn't seen her since the Mad Hatters rave on fifth avenue. There was a giant hole in my heart with out her. Life soon became a lonely and desolate place to live in. She was all I had once I was abandoned. She was my family and now she was gone.   

Turns out Pete one of our closer friends said he had seen Victoria at the fifth avenue warehouse more than once now. So I went, and sure enough there was Victoria. Though what I saw shocked me. There was my Vicky, my sweet lovable Vicky in close to nothing neon clothing dancing in one of the cages displayed on the walls. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut because it was soon getting hard to breath. Rage and sadness had started to seep into my lungs making me feel like I was drowning. I was worried sick about her,looking everywhere for her for the past two months, and my Victoria was parading her body around like some harlot for everyone to see? No! This was not happening, I was so infuriated that I walked right up to her cage, and yanked her out. I through her over my shoulder and carried her home. She was crying kicking and screaming for awhile until she realized it was me. She told me how she didn't mean to leave me but her foster father was sexually abusing her and she wanted to get away, to ashamed to face anyone. So after that she moved in and  I got her cleaned up so she could be emancipated in the middle of  sophomore year.  

Things were going fine and smooth our second year of high school. We both lived together on our own, both had jobs, and no longer participated in the raver crowed any longer. We were both upright on our feet taking on the world one step at a time. Until Victoria got an idea our junior year. She thought that since we were doing so well, that it would be a good idea to start a family. So Victoria stopped taking her pills and soon got pregnant the spring of Junior year. I was appalled and  terrified at first, but then I warmed up to the idea. Even taking comfort in the idea of having a family.   

Victoria and I we ready and excited anticipating this new found joy that would soon be entering our life. We both even quit smoking and everything just so this baby could be born in a safe and drama free environment, a life that was a polar opposite to Victoria  & I's life. We were finally and completely happy with life knowing what was in store was only the beginning. Until Victoria miscarried.. After that everything changed. Victoria lost her optimism in life, she became more serious, and slowly started drifting away from me. Everything only went downhill from there. Nothing really got better.   

Two years later Victoria killed her self because she was raped, and well now I'm here." I inhaled a huge breath and closed my eyes satisfied that Amy finally knew almost everything about me. I had finally let loose all of my demons that was slowly burying me deep below the ground. What I really needed was a listener, and she gave that to me.  

"Wow," was all she could say her eyes were wide and tearful staring up at me, and taking hold of my hand. A few loose tears escaped her eyes. "I don't know what to say..." Her eyes were welling up and I could tell she was trying really hard not to start balling.   

"Its okay honey its okay.. You don't need to say anything, all I wanted for was you to listen and to be able to know me better. And you have given me that. So please don't cry..That was the past and now its the present and in the present I have you. So please for me don't cry." I whispered the last part as she laid her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, keeping her close  to me feeling her warmth. I kissed the top of her head and whispered soothing things in her ear.  

We sat intertwined on the park bench in silence for along time until it was time to go back. We walked together hand in hand, taking comfort in each other, and enjoying the fact that right now as long as we were with each other, things might actually be okay.

When we got back to my room we hugged for a long time. I felt like my mind was going to overload with images of her. I could smell her on me, I could feel the curve of her hip pressed against mine, I could hear her heart beat near mine, it was sensational. Her hair was so soft and fluffy smelling fresh as it cascaded down my back. She was so warm. She was my personal heater in these few intimate moments.   

"I'm glad I have you," she told me as she pulled away. Her eyes never leaving mine.  

"Ditto," I told her with a smile.   

"See you tomorrow?" She asked with a moments hesitation.  

"Of course," I told her softly.  

"Bye."  

"Bye."

 When she left I felt like I was holding my breath just staring at the door. Parts of me ached for her to come back, come into bed with me, where we would just lie. Taking intimate comfort from each other being simply satisfied that we could lay together internally by each others sides under the covers. Things have changed today, I could tell. By the way she let me hold her, and by the way she said my name. I knew things were different. 

  I finally sat up in my bed thinking only of her, thinking of our moments together, thinking of how much shes changed my life in this past month, the way she brightens my day, the way she smiles. I then thought of her body. It was so beautiful. Her creamy pale skin, her fair hair, the curve of her hips, the roundness of her breasts were so perfect, her almond shaped eyes melted there way into mine when she stared at me, her ever so pink lips, and her smallness of her hands compared to mine made me feel strong and protective.I wonder how she tastes, or how her body would feel underneath mine. I bet it would be euphoric.   

I can't stop thinking of her.   

I think.  

I think I love her.

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  Xoxo Sammy