Love You More

PART FOUR: ONE

"Fuck yes." Tate groaned when I wrapped my hand around his thick shaft. "Holy shit. I've missed you." I teased his tip with my tongue before laying soft kisses against his pink skin. I remember how he tasted. I could never forget. He held his hand in my hair and thrusted forward when I allowed him into my mouth.

It was slower than it used to be. He gripped my legs tighter and pulled my hair harder and kissed me sweeter. Everything was amplified. Like the 3 years without touch from each other was all put into this one night. He kissed and licked and sucked and bit every single inch of my skin. I was burning with desire. He was too.

We didn't leave the bed at all. He told me to keep my clothes off and we reveled in the nostalgia. "Don't ever leave me again, ok? Don't let me break up with you or some dumb shit. You are my girl. No one gets to put their hands near you."

I kissed his forehead and he held my waist tightly in his hands. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. "Nothing is your fault." I whispered, wanting to give him peace.

"Everything that happened to you is my fault. I should have talked to you sooner. I would have helped you. I would have been there for you. I would have killed him-"

"Tate! There is nothing that could have changed what happened. You didn't know that he would do that. I didn't either. No one could have called that. He was a good boyfriend until-" I stopped. I didn't want him blaming himself. That wasn't my intention at all. No one should blame themselves. Except me.

"Until what?" He asked, his eyes hooded. "Fuck, what happened? What changed?"

"He did!" My eyes were burning and I was ready for this to get bad. "He turned mean and angry. He was rough when I didn't want him to be. He would have sex with me even when I didn't want to. He told me I was stupid and fat. He told me that you wouldn't want me after all the girls you had because I would never be them. I wanted him to go back, to love me again. But I was in so much pain. There was no going back. So I took whatever he had. None of that was your fault."

"Ari," he pulled me into his lap and he hugged me tightly. "You have to go to the police."

"And say what? My boyfriend raped and beat me for months and I did nothing."

"Yes! That's exactly what you say. You tell them how you were scared and how bad he bruised you up." Tate was broken. I was broken. It was so obvious how bad we both were. How we had screwed up. "I can't have him thinking he can hurt you or any one else and get away with it."

"You knocked him unconscious and Daniel had to drop him off at the hotel. I think he got the point."

"He's not going to give up that easy and you're naive to think so. He's going to come back and I need to protect you. He needs to be put away. What if he hurts someone else?"

"Tate!" I screamed, needing him to desperately let it go. "Stop talking. It's not happening."

He was silent. He stopped touching me. His face was solemn and his eyes watched me while I took a few deep breaths and then he just looked at me. It was like he was trying to solve something in his head. Like he always did when we first started dating. Then his face dropped and he pushed me off of him.

He figured it out.

"You weren't scared, were you?" I stayed silent as he targeted questions at me. He eyed me, dangerously confused and frustrated. "You took it because you thought it would go away. You don't want to go to the police because," he clenched his jaw and looked down. "You love him, don't you?"

"Tate," I sighed. I didn't want to hurt him. He was so good and I was just going to mess him up. "Don't do this to yourself. You always make crazy assumptions and drive yourself crazy. Can we just go to bed?"

"You fucking love him, Ariana! The man who hurt you, who ra-" he shook his head, not speaking the word. "He did unspeakable and inhuman things to the most perfect woman I've ever met. He told you lies and made you feel worthless and you can honestly love him? Why?" He was screaming. I knew the rest of my family could hear. He didn't care and I didn't have the right to.

"Tate, walk away from me. Leave me alone. Stop loving me. Find someone good for you. I'm not her, I'm not who you want me to be-"

"You don't even know what I want. Since I was 16 years old, all I've wanted was you. Whatever you threw my way, I took it. Every fight, every fear, every caution, every fucking tear. I took it. Because every bone in my body, every cell, every heart beat, everything is yours. I love you, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with me but there's not a chance in hell will I let you tell me that you're too fucked up. You are exactly who I want you to be because you are you. I don't want you to change, I want you to be ok. I will not let some sick asshole pollute your mind and make you believe that it was love. What we had, what we just did," he pointed to the bed and closed his eyes before taking a deep breath. "That was love."

"Tate." I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped my arms around my knees. "I just need to be alone right now."

"Will you come to me if you need anything?" He asked softly, stepping closer to me. I nodded, slow but surely. He breathed out his nose and gulped, placing a kiss in my hair. "I love you, baby girl." He promised, rubbing my back. "Please, try to figure it out."

There was nothing to figure out. I could never be the same girl again.