[CriminalMinds] I'm Afraid I Still Don't Know [Dr.SpencerReid]

Four.

Jason Gideon was my mentor, before I was even wanted by anyone, before this became my baby, this whole department. I remember the first case that I worked on, and I remember how confident Gideon was when he walked in with his team behind him, which weren’t the same people as they are today. That’s a lie. Hotchner and Morgan were there. I remember them. But, we didn’t interact. And it was my case, but they were called in to help.

Instead of taking over, Gideon went every step of the way while keeping me informed. I knew everything that was going on, and more than once I made the decision on how to approach the unsub, who by then we had a name for. It was then that I knew I wanted to do more than simply be a part of a Homicide Investigation team. I wanted to run a team and I wanted to work on big cases, not just the usual drive-by shooting.

At the same time, I loathed the way the others marched into the department’s office and began to take over as if people hadn’t been working on the case that suddenly became the case of a serial killer. Their heads were bigger than anything I've ever seen. Just because they had a fancier badge they thought they were better than all of the people on the Homicide Investigation team. It was then that I knew I wouldn’t work for them or for anyone like them. I was determined from that moment on to have a team created with me as the leader.

I expected him to walk out at my mini outburst, but he didn’t move from his spot. His fingers tighten around the small notepad in his hands and I realize that he’s nervous, but I'm not the one making him nervous. He’s most likely been face-to-face with serial killers of all kinds, and I'm nowhere near as intimidating as they are. He’s nervous because I can tell that he’s trying to read me, to understand me, and part of me wants to at least let him try.

But, then I'm vulnerable, and then I'm not as strong as I pretend to be.

“Doctor Reid, if you don’t mind me asking, what is your profile of me, since I can practically see your mind working to figure me out?” Leaning back in my office chair, I cross my right leg over my left, placing my hands on my lap. “I'm always curious to hear how others perceive me.” I'm taunting him, and I know that it’s not right of me to do so, but he’s so different from the other agents. They sent him in here for a reason, when they know that I'm not a fan of any of them to begin with, so they clearly think I would have either pitied him or fallen for his charm.

If I could tell what his charm was other than being somewhat nerdy. Granted, he’s attractive, but he’s not assertive, and I'm easily dominant when no one puts me in my place.

Clearing his throat, Spencer shifts his weight onto his left leg. “Um, please, call me Spencer, since we’re working together.” He never tells someone to call him Spencer unless they're on his team or his friend; this dude is transparent for the most part. “I would say that you're caught between the person you wish you were and who you really are. You feel the need to intimidate because you want people to think that you're strong. And you are strong, but you don’t feel like you're strong enough.

“You just want to find a man who loves you and can put up with what you think are flaws. You show people a demanding personality and someone who is only passionate about your work. However, if given the chance, you would become passionate about your relationship. You're waiting for a man both smart enough and confident enough to deal with you because not many men have stayed once they’ve seen you working. Someone happened to one of your loved ones when you were little, and you're extremely invested in this case because the killer reminds you of someone. The person she reminds you of didn’t kill anyone, but the person did what they thought would be seen as love but came across as disgust.

“I'm guessing your mother was abusive and your father was the submissive one. That’s why you both love and hate your personality. You know you would never hurt anyone but you don’t want to always be the dominant person like your mother was.” His voice is quiet, as if he doesn’t want anyone outside of this office to hear him.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I drop my leg down and glance up at the ceiling to stop the water from flooding my eyes. I asked for this, but no one was ever that good at it. For whatever reason, I'm an open book when it comes to him, and I don’t like that. I don’t like that he can see what I feel and he somehow knows how to handle it. He spoke so quietly that no one other than I could hear him. He didn’t want people to hear because he knows that I don’t tell people what he just figured out.

Clearing my throat, I bite down on my lower lip. His eyes glaze over with sympathy, and I hate that. “I think you should go and tell Hotchner that this is my case and that I make the decisions.”