LITTLE KISSES

CHAPTER FOUR // HEART BEAT

I really hated going to doctor appointments. They seemed to heighten my anxiety and since I already had anxiety issues towards my positive pregnancy test, this was worse now. Much worse.

I checked my phone for the billionth time, hoping for Beth but nothing had come. It was unusual of her, unusual for her to snap at me, to get mad at me... she understood my brain – she was the only one who did it seemed.

The door shot open and it took me out of my thoughts right away.

My preppy gynaecologist looked happy to see me, I was giving that thirty seconds at the most.

“Amy! How are you?”

I stared at her from where I sat on the near chair, “Not good.”

“Oh.” She paused, turning towards me once the door was shut, “Is there something wrong?”

“Yes.” I spat out, “I'm pregnant.”

She raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure? If you want, we can confirm it.”

“I took a home test and it was positive. It also sickly all lines up with the last time I had sex. I want to know why my birth control isn't working!”

She snapped up my file on her desk that the nurse had left and looked it over. It took her a minute of studying it before she turned to me, “Amy, there's several notes in here from my nurses saying there was three voice messages left on your machine regarding you're next shot. That was four and half months ago.”

I stared at her, was she saying this was my fault!

“No, there wasn't!” I argued.

She lifted her eyebrow again at me, “Amy, just calm down. You're alright.”

“No! I am not!” I stood, “I'm pregnant!”

“Amy, you were on this contraceptive the last five years... We figured you were stopping it. We know our clients are busy, if no attempt is made after our calls, we figure you want to discontinue use.”

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed, “I didn't want to discontinue anything! I liked it!”

“Amy.” She walked towards me, “Please, sit down. There's options if this was an accident. We can get you back on contraceptive right away. I can make a referral to a clinic...”

I winced as I sat, “For an abortion?”

“Therapeutic abortion, if it's what you would like?” She asked with slight hesitation.

I swallowed, then shook my bud of emotion, “Yes. I want that.”

She nodded, “We'll set that up, they'll call you. Though we should just do an ultrasound and see how far along you are.”

I blinked, “Today?”

“We can, yes... it'll only take a few minutes.”

“Sure.” I grunted, thinking about how this was all my own fault. I vaguely remembered the voicemails now that I thought of it. I also remember being wrapped up in work all three times I'd listened to them. On top of that, it'd been so long since my last shot, that had put me right before Richard had broke up with me.

I became frustrated with myself as the doctor went about calling in her ultrasound tech for me.

“Amy, let's head down the hall. Marie will do the ultrasound for you.”

“Thanks.” I stood and walked behind her down the hall, hugging my coat to my chest as she brought me into a dimly lit room.

“Have a seat, she'll be right in.”

I sat on the paper cover bed and waited, but only for a few moments before the door opened and Marie walked in.

“Oh, good afternoon!”

I wouldn't have gone straight to good.

“Please, lay back... lift your shirt so your abdomen is exposed.” She instructed, the machines came to life as she organized items.

Pulling my well fitted dress shirt from my pants and grumbling as I undid the buttons, I laid back and waited. It felt like I was truly impending my own doom at bit.

She brought out the ultrasound wand, “Slightly cool gel.” She warned and then pressed it to my stomach.

I couldn't really see the screen at the angle I was at and I was fine with that, I just wanted out and maybe grabbing some food on the way home would wash my mind of the last few crap days.

Marie then turned the screen towards me, “You're about six weeks, four days.”

I looked to her as the black screen showed nothing remotely close to making sense.

She pointed, “This is the heart beat, right there, you can see it moving?”
I squinted, I could see something moving very fast. It was more like a flicker on the screen around some white outlines more than anything.

A heart beat though. It had a heart. It was nothing but a heart and I hadn't been expecting that.

She pulled the wand off after a minute, “So, congratulations.”

I stared at her, “What?”

She smiled, “Congratulations.”

“Oh...” I sat up after she wiped the gel from me, I got it. Congratulations on the heart beat in my stomach. Right.

“Thanks.” I breathed as I got off the bed and moved towards the door. To say the least, I wanted out of that office so bad, I was about to die. I fled down the hall and out into the reception room, I didn't care if they needed to see me more, I couldn't deal with it.

I got out of the building and decided to walk home, even though it would take me twenty or more minutes to do so. My brain felt like it was in overdrive. I don't know what I had been expecting but I hadn't been expecting to be shown what was in me, all because of him. I had not wanted to see it, yet she'd so happily pointed it all out!

This was about to be the death of me. If my parent's hadn't killed me, if University hadn't, if Ean Hunter hadn't... this was going to kill me!

I pulled my phone out and the hit Elizabeth's name on the screen. I waited as it rung and rung and fell to voicemail. My insides were turning and since I didn't know what else to do, I left a message.

“Beth, this is Amy. I just went to the doctor and they – they gave me this ultrasound and there was a freaking heart beat and that stupid nurse showed me it, but I guess... I guess it's possible that the thing has a heart though right, cause even though I don't... he did? I don't know what to do, Beth! Seriously! Can't you call me... or text or...” I trailed off as I passed the deli and decided a sandwich would satisfy my panic, “I guess I'll talk to you later... maybe.” I breathed and hung up the phone, walking inside the doors to much needed food.

It was then as I waited for my sandwich to be made and soup to be packaged, that I thought about Ean for real. Even though I had tried hard to erase most of my memory of him, he was still very much there and to be honest, it was very frustrating for me. I was good at forgetting, focusing. He seemed to be my utter weakness when it came to just general functioning.

I then let myself slip, thinking about where he was or what he was doing. If I kept it and told him, I know what he would want... It disturbed me right away and as my food was passed to me across the counter I threw my thoughts away.

I wasn't going to think of anything for the rest of the night.

I wasn't going to think of heart-beat.

I wasn't going to think of bush-man.

I was just going to go home and eat.

And I tried to not let that one and only thought, completely depress me.