Shadow World (The Best of Ai)

Haunting Dreams (P)

He's here. He's finally here. 

I haven't seen Michael in two years, and now, I'm standing right in front of his door. 

Well, technically, I'm leaning against it. My knees refuse to hold me up as they normally would.

What will I say? What will I do? The fact that his strict father and older brother will be there doesn't help. I can't do this! I probably won't be able to speak a word. I'll probably stutter awkwardly and fall all over the place too! 

The butterflies in my belly rush up and down, creeping through my heart and clogging up my thorat. They refuse to remain still, and no amount of waiting will change that. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself down before straightening and turning around. 

Maybe I should text him.  But no, my pride won't allow it. 

Before I lose my courage completely, I knock. Once. Twice. Thrice. Already I hear foot steps approaching. What will he look like? I wonder. Be like? Will he have changed? Certainly, he must have. Will he still look the same? Will he still be as irritating as ever? Will he still....love me? I blink back a few tears as I remember some of the harsh doubts our parents have put in my mind. The doubts I myself have of our relationship ever working out. The doubts that never quite went away.

'Not good enough. Unable to love. Too damaged and damned. Honey, you are the one who's going to destroy the relationship-"

The door opens, cutting my thoughts off abruptly. 

And there is my best friend, right in front of me. The guy has the nerve to have gotten taller since I last saw him. This little annoyance helps distract me from the cruel thoughts in my head and the shaking in my legs. 

We stare at each for a long moment.

Then the controlled illusion of two normal teenagers shatters, and the emotions show their true colors. I'm not sure who moves first, but I find myself hugging him so tightly. As if I'd never let go. All of the hopelessness, despair, doubt, sheer misery, anger and pain come pouring at and seem to dissolve into nothingness, as if they never even existed in the first place. There's only joy, relief....and love.

I've barely looked at him and yet I know how much he loves me. How he loves me unconditionally.

It's hard to believe how much this has been missed. How much I've craved this. I haven't let anyone touch me for so long. I know that all the bad stuff will still be there when we finally break apart. But I just don't care.

The tears I swallowed earlier come back quietly and soak his shirt. I'm not quite sure if I'm supposed to be sad or happy at this moment. A little bit of both I suppose.

A warm hand lifts my chin up and his lips are firmly on mine. It's not a kiss of pleasure though, it's bitter and full of sorrow. So much of it. There's a release as well, and everything he's been holding back floods into me.

Why did he have to suffer like this? No one should have to.

Suddenly, he lets go...and walks away from me.

"Wait!" I shout, and run after him. The house is a labyrinth, and I lose sight of him quickly. I'm already out of breath, anxiety squeezing my chest to dust, as I rush around corners desperately. Up and down the stairs, right and left passages. 

He stands there, looking off into the distance. I slow down, uncertain, and tentatively touch his arm.

He jerks away harshly from me, and begins walking once more. Not taking a look back, he strides through the vast halls and climbs to impossible heights.

Again, I'm forced to dash after him. "Michael!" 

"What?" Michael turns, his eyes furious like I've never seen them before. The rest of his face is rigid and paper-white with rage. I take a step back, my eyes filling with tears.

Who is this person in front of me?

"Wh-what's wrong? Michael, what—"

"Don't come near me again," he hisses, and simply walks away. I'm stunned. The cold is exhausting. I crumble to the floor, defeated.

I realize, suddenly, that I never left. I never left my shadow world. Not truly. I'm still here. Paralyzing ice creeps across my shivering form...

Loud noises jerk me awake. I rub my eyes, dazed. Sweat slides down my back and front. It was just a dream. Just a dream in the shadow world.

Will I ever truly leave?