PASSAGE ( J. JUNGKOOK )

23:59

10. THE HEAVIEST WEIGHT

of all days, the one where i found out about your impending demise is the most blurry in my head. i think i shattered portions of the memories as some sort of defence mechanism. i wish i knew.

we were at the park. we were running – or i was running, and kept encouraging you to catch up with me. mere minutes in and your skin had already begun to dampen with sweat, fatigue engulfing you like a sunken boat in the middle of the ocean.

and then we were in the hospital. you collapsed. the nurse had some fancy way of saying it, but i just remember watching you with bloodshot eyes. your nose and mouth were stained with blood from the fall; we would've been right back in the beginning, had i somehow found a way to break my finger.

and then they said the name of your killer. acute lymphoblastic leukaemia – that, i remember. i even learned how to spell it.

when the nurse left, we shared a look. you didn't speak. neither did i, until i let out a sigh, your name tumbling from my lips in the slightest way. "i know," was your only response.

and then you explained it all. from the previous battles, to your parents being unaware, to refusing treatment, to friends who you wouldn't let worry about you. you told me you were tired of giving in to the cancer, and that's why you befriended me. you thanked me for our months, for letting you fall in love one last time. you told me it would be okay.

and all i could think of was acute lymphoblastic leukaemia: the only words floating around in my troubled mind. i didn't have a reply. what was i supposed to say? "you're welcome, now let's wait for you to die." no. we sat in silence.

and now we're here in your bed.

you've been getting worse and worse. you said it would be okay, but it's not. nothing about you leaving this earth is okay. you deserve so, so much more than to be victim to a vicious sickness.

and you'll get it. you can have my two years, you can get better, you can fall in love again. become the beloved sibling and child you once were. call your friends and schedule a reunion. you can be you again, because i know you miss yourself more than you'll ever miss me.

i'm just asking that you don't forget about me. i loved you even when my grave was being dug with each kiss, even when a knife was being pressed further and further into my throat with each moment we shared. and you'll always be the heaviest weight i've ever had to carry atop my shoulders, but nothing could ever compare.

i wish i could say more. you deserve more than this, but i'm only trying to break your fall. you'll be a wreck in the morning, and i'm so sorry for that.

but this is right. you can live for me. any life you'll ever build for yourself will be a thousand times more fulfilling than my own life.

please, get the help you need. the chemo won't make you any less beautiful.

until we meet again.

yours,
jeongguk

ONE MINUTE REMAINING