Journey Back From Anorexia

Dear Mum

Dear mum,

   You put on a brave face even when you saw how ill I was, and how pale I had become. Your eldest daughter becoming so weak, I know you will also never really understand my disorder and why I find it so hard to just swallow what is on my plate and have a full stomach,and trust me I find it difficult to understand myself, but now that I have gone so deep into my cycle I don't know any other way, I can't picture eating everything off my plate and being happy with myself. I just can't, perhaps how I picture things is what is the problem, perhaps that is why that therapist may have seemed like a good idea initially, she was not a good idea.

  I don't want you to feel as though you failed me, or as though there was more you could have possibly done to protect me, because if we are being honest I failed myself and you could not have known the only danger to your daughter was your daughter herself. Many mothers are like you, they blame themselves for their children getting this way, fathers, siblings, relatives, and friends alike, confused and feeling at fault for their loved one deteriorating at such a fast and unexpected rate. No matter how hard you may find it though, don't. Maybe in the lives of other sufferers of this disease, their family or friends drove them to it, but we all have our own war to fight, we all have different aggressors and in my war I am the sole aggressor. There is a common hope however, a common wish that our loved ones be by our sides and still love and support us like they did when we constituted as Normal.

    Normal is perhaps a funny word,and not because of the way its spelt or pronounced, However its meaning just is, because although we say this word many times through out the course of our lives, not many of us will ever truly achieve it and when we die half of us will not have lived as 'normal' beings. Yet most of the worlds populations strive to be it, strive to be something unattainable and probably non existent. So I learnt the hard way that striving to be normal is actually the strangest thing of them all. 

  I probably do not make much sense anymore, but I want you to know how much I love you and how much you being there meant to me, and please mother for my sake never beat yourself up because you think you get it and you could have saved me,because dear in life we all end up making our decisions, that make or break us and I know I made mine. For all the heartache I caused also, I just hope every painful breath I take can one day equate to ever  worried tear I made fall from your eyes.