The wind had started early this morning and still hadn’t stopped. The rhythmic patter of the rain was peaceful yet it played the most gloomiest melody as it hit my window. The weather looked and sounded just how I felt. I gazed at the ceiling hoping the thoughts that swam through my head could disappear, but they consumed me. I was stuck. I was lost and trapped in this dark solitude. Yes, I had Bailey to help me get through it all, but I still felt lonely. In fact I felt the loneliest I had ever been in all my 16 years of living. Bailey was trying her best to make me happy. The truth was though that I wasn’t sure if I could be happy anymore. With them gone, and knowing they couldn’t ever return…….there was no more joy in life. Squeezing my eyes shut trying to block out the pain…Shit! I shouldn’t have let them enter my thoughts…but it was to late. I needed to get my mind off things and FAST! Before I had a total melt down. I sat upright on my bed and rubbed my temples trying to sooth myself. I got up and grabbed my jacket deciding a walk might do me well. I made my way down the stairs trying to be the most quiet I could but the stairs were a bit squeaky and it was impossible. Bailey called out from her room “Landon? Are you okay? Where you going?” in a concerned kinda questioning tone..I responded “I’m fine. Just gonna go for a walk, I’ll be back in an hour” I opened the door and a huge gust of cold rainy wind hit me. I stepped out ignoring it and walked off the porch. I had no idea where I would walk. I didn’t even know my way around this town. I kept walking. As the wind blew my hair in my face, I swept it back and put my hood on. Eyes fixed on the ground and my mind somewhere else I paced forward. Moving to Newport was a mistake. A new start wasn’t what I had needed right now. And a part of me hated Bailey for forcing us to move here she said it would be a new beginning …and that staying in our old home where we lived with our parents was depressing. She said she needed to get out because there was to many memories of them there. I sighed as tears started to well up in my eyes….Fuck, i needed them now more than ever. The state of mind I had been in for the past three months since there death was beginning to be all I knew. This numb feeling. The cold frigid attitude I had towards life. Pain was woven around my heart. Or what was left of my heart. Moving to this damn place just made it all worse. I felt as though I was spiraling out of control all my emotions in a whirl wind. Fear. Anger. Depression. Fury. Weakness. Loneliness. Emptiness..I was walking a bit faster now and things on the side of me seemed to become a blur. I saw a park coming into distance as I walked. I guess I would make my way there. I began to sprint. Hoping it would take my frustration away as my legs pounded the ground hard and I felt the rain in my hair . The light hadn’t even changed for me to cross the street yet and I still ran across not even giving a shit of the cars or what surrounded me. I finally was at the park. It was small but pleasant as I looked around trying to catch my breath, I decided to go to the swings and sit there for a bit. Grabbing the chains I was a shocked at how cold they were. I sat and began to sway back and forth . Remembering the familiarity of the swing. It was my favorite thing to play on when I went to the park back in my younger days. I was happy than. Genuinely happy. Nothing brought me down than. I was young and alive. And for a moment I closed my eyes and wished I could go back and feel that again. I moved my legs, gaining speed and felt the wind all around me as I reached elevation. I pretended to be something I wasn’t, something other than the wretched person I believed I was and pretended to drift away with the wind.
x x x x x x
I came home and it had already become dark outside. Finding warmth as I walked inside. Yet this place still didn’t feel like home. Bailey was in the kitchen making us some dinner. “it’s past 8, you were out for more than an hour, you should have at least called me.” She said. I gave her a small smile and said “well I didn’t take my phone and plus you didn’t need to worry, you know nothing would happen.” She stirred whatever she was making and looked at me “well hun, we still aren’t to Familiar with this town, we have only been here two weeks, Besides I will always worry about you no matter what.” I grimaced. Ever since my parents passed…bailey had become more strict on me. Maybe it was because she was worried she might lose me as well. We were all we had, but I would never show her how sad I truly was inside…I pretended I was strong for her…
I put off what she said completely and asked “whats for dinner?”
She stated “spaghetti and garlic bread.” I sat down and realized that I was hungry. I didn’t like to eat a lot. Maybe it was the depression that made it that way. Bailey served me and fxed herself a plate, than joined me at the table. We began to eat in silence. And moments later she finally spoke again “Tomorrow you have registration for your new school. We have to get there early and talk to the school counselor. It will be fun” she smiled warmly. I growled inside! Damn , I didn’t want to go to anew school….i looked down and tried not to show her how angry I really was “ohh..” was all I said. It didn’t sound fun to me.
“ you don’t look to excited about it.” She sighed and saw past my fake disguise…”Landon, come on…this is a new start for the both of us. Imagine all the friends you will make?” I gave her a look, and told her “you know I don’t make friends easily…why the hell would you even say that!?” all my damn life I was recluse. I was different than all the kids. I looked different and acted different. I got up form the table in a rude manner and made my way upstairs. Bailey yelled out “Landon!! Im sorry…I just want you to be happy” I ignored her and went to my room.
Putting my head in the pillow, I mentally screamed…
I hadn’t been ready to move here….
I was still extremely upset about it.
In the back of my head I questioned if I could even handle living here….