so this is similar to the first part of undone, but I changed it a bit.
“I don’t understand you anymore Flynn,” I said, my words laced with confusion. He took a step closer and by the glint in his eyes I knew what he was going to do, so I threw up one hand, indicating he stop. “I came here for a reason and I am not going to let you charm your way out of this, I am completely serious.” He was aware of his affect on me, and I was not going to allow him to use it against me like he so often did.
“Katie you’ve been ignoring me for a whole month, I just want to hug you,” He sounded sincere, and I was certain that he meant every single word that slipped through his mouth but I couldn’t risk it. I had visited him for a reason and I knew that if he hugged me now I would become vulnerable against him, for I had missed him dearly.
“I missed you.” He added, I had ignored his texts, phone calls and even visits to my house and so even I couldn’t deny the tension between us both; it was raw and complex, but maybe I was being evasive here.
“No,” I spoke sternly, my voice loud in the deserted street. “I just cannot fathom why on earth you hurt yourself like that,”
At first he didn’t reply. Instead he pursued his light pink lips, knowing where the topic was headed. He gazed upwards at the sinister sky, his own midnight hair looked silky and soft; the mass of curls prominent underneath the streetlight. “You don’t even have the decency to reply?”
“Look Katherine, I understand that you’re worried about me but I’m not hurting myself,” His voice was deep, dark and raucous. “In fact it’s the only right thing in my life at the moment.” He never used my full name and I suspected he was exhibiting his usual behavior, but that wasn’t the only thing that worried me; there was the fact that he sounded so sincere as if what he said was accurate.
“Not hurting yourself?” I spat out indecorously, both shock and appalled at his comment. “Since when has taking drugs become the right thing?” Little tuffs of hair fell into his eyes as he closed them, refusing to look me into the eye and I felt my traitorous cheeks flame in both anger and betrayal.
“I know that it isn’t right Katie,” he muttered, trying to remain calm and collected. “I’m not a young boy, I’m aware of my actions and I’m responsible for them.” Didn’t he see what he was doing to himself? I hadn’t made this visit to allow him to talk about how wonderful drugs were; they were illegal for heaven’s sake and that was for a reason.
“You’re acting like a child Flynn,” I replied. “Except even a child knows not to take drugs, they kill you but of course you know that don’t you? You’re such a hypocrite.” I hissed out through clenched teeth, I was like a full tank finally reaching its full capacity.
“Why do you care?!” He screamed an impassive look on his face.
“Because I love you, why can’t you see that?” I retorted, my voice echoing throughout out the street. I crossed my arms around my chest, the anger radiating of me. “But you don’t care, do you? You’re always going to carry on taking them, slowing your life span until you’re gone.”
“I do love you Katie, but I just need you to just drop this okay?”
“I’m dying,” I whispered. “I have bloody cancer and still you kill yourself knowing I’m fighting to stay alive, fighting to breathe every single day, I don’t want to waste the rest of my life worrying about you; worrying if you’re going to overdose and die. I want to leave this world in peace, in the comfort of the people I love,” I paused for a moment, skimming his impending reaction. “The reason I left you a month ago was because of this Flynn and I am not going to stand here whilst you kill yourself.”
Months ago I had found out about the cancer, it had been identified too late and so, I was like a ticking bomb; I could die any minute and destroy every single person I loved in the process and however much I wanted to prevent it, I couldn’t
“What are you saying?” His lips trembled, as if he was physically scared and for a moment I re-considered. I hated how he could do that to me, how his bright blue eyes piercing into mine could make my knees buckle, how his expansive chest was practically there for me to rest my head against, how vulnerable he looked with a beanie on his head and a few curls escaping in the wintry wind.
Life is hard and the harder you fight it, the more leverage it has to tear your heart right out of your chest.
“Katie, look at me.” But I knew that if I did, I would cry. It was too much to take in at once, and I refused to sink to the ground in tears.
You’re an architect of your own happiness.
Tears clouded my vision. “I want you to be the person you used to be,” My heart was falling to the pit of my stomach, as a lump rose in my throat. But he’s never going to come back, the Flynn I know has long gone and he’s never going to return no matter how much I want him to. “I don’t want to see you again Flynn,” I stared at him in the eye, indicating just how serious I was. “Ever.”
“Katie, you’re overreacting.” He stepped forward, the freckles on his cheek prominent against the streetlamp.
I threw up one hand, palm facing him, in the universal indication for stop. “No, I don’t want to see you again Flynn until you’ve sorted out your life.” He surveyed me slowly, almost afraid.
“I’ll stop, just don’t leave me Katie. You’re all I have.” He pleaded, and it was the worst thing I’d ever seen. He collapsed onto the floor, tears streaking his cheeks; sobbing uncontrollably until he was convulsing; huge heart wrenching sobs allowing the tears to flow unrestrained. But still, I stood my ground and it was the hardest thing to do, I could feel my breaths coming out in slight pants and a pain binding my chest but I ignored it, biding him farewell.
Then in the middle of the dark November night everything went black.
