There's a lot you don't know about me. There's some you do know, and probably some that you'd like to find out. There are things I'm going to tell you about me that you won't know, and some you will, and some that you will wonder whether it is real or not. And it probably won't be real. Give me some artistic license here! But sometimes I will say, yes, I really did do/say that and you will think: 'God, if only I were as truly hilarious and witty as her at comebacks, I would be ... well ... I would be ... I'll think of it later ... ' I'm different and I see things differently which usually makes me the odd sock out but today it'll make you smile, yes, you - the beautiful, amazing person reading this - smile and laugh.
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I like smiling. I mean, its free, right?? And by definition, people enjoy being happy so why not always be happy?? Because life doesn't work like that. Unfortunately. If everyone smiled and everyone was happy it would be like one of those '90's American movies where there is a fight or something equally dramatic (subtle sarcasm alert - sometimes I find that my sarcasm is so advanced people actually think I'm stupid. And I thought my school was selective ... ) and then they all grab guitars and 'jam' together and suddenly its all okay?? If it were me, I would play the guitar until they thought it was all over and then BAM whack 'em over the head with the bass. And that's why no-one ever puts me in charge of anything.
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I once got a text saying: 'I've buried the body; what did Hunter say to do next??' I got very scared until I realised it was someone messing around via SMS. Then my phone buzzed again: 'Meet me by the pier or Tommy gets it.' And I got scared again so I called the phone number. Guess what?? It was two ten year olds who were bored on a lazy Sunday afternoon. But they could've got into some serious trouble, so I decided to teach them a lesson.
"Hello??" They said *snicker snicker snicker*.
"Its me, Bobby" I said in a low gruff voice. "I'm coming to the pier but I wanna know that Tommy is safe. I have Tullulah hostage and she's alive but if Tommy isn't scratch-free then I'm gonna cut off one of her fingers and post it to you, and I'mma carry on 'til she is just a body and a head and Hunter can't do nothing about it. Got it??'
I heard a scream, and then the phone went dead. I never got another prank text. like to think I taught those boys a lesson but I'm pretty sure that all I did was ensure their need for counselling and intense psychological help when they grow up. Never mind, they had it coming anyway.
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Anyone can become a fortune teller. You just gotta make educated guesses about the person who is in front of you. Wow your friends with this truly fantastic guide to telling the future.
"You are a girl but if you are not you are a boy and you most probably have eyes and a nose and a mouth. You will grow or shrink, depending on any genetic mutations and you will marry/be bonded to a beautiful or ugly boy or maybe girl, I don't judge. You will have a happy life together, but if you are a jerk then you will have a sad one. Or maybe you marry a tw*t and you'll have a crappy life, but that's your fault not mine. You will then die. This will be very happy/sad for some. You will then go to heaven/hell/the afterlife/Nirvana. And if you are a Buddhist then see ya soon!! In fact, they should just skip writing 'RIP' on your grave and just write 'BRB'. It would be much more accurate."
That is 99% foolproof. However, if you are talking to an alien, you might want to adjust. Or run. Depends on who you are. I can't predict that one.
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Things to do when you're bored:
1. Run around.
2. Sit down.
3. Bark.
4. Read a book.
5. Make up a dance.
6. Pretend to be a super hero - warning: you can't fly.
7. Count all the windows and spotty curtains.
8. Prank call someone. Except me.
9. Turn up the music and dance around like a loon.
10. Write.
Things to do in public to make people think you are a retard:
1. Pretend to talk to someone in your handbag, and then start twitching.
2. Say "That's a funny place to leave a piano ... "
3. Bark.
4. Dance to your own music.
5. Attack the people near you.
6. If anyone tries to talk to you, say "Sorry deary, Kathy's out but she'll be back soon."
7. Refuse to blink and stare profusely at a blank wall.
8. Tap someone on the shoulder and tell them the voices are telling you to torch the building.
9. Lie down with your face on the ground and hum.
10. Scream.
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