Fading Out (COMPLETED)

Chapter fifteen

Work was long, I don't want to be here for this. I've had enough of this place for one day but I sit at the bar stabbing my fucking fork into my stupid cake over and over just so I have something to do. It's Jace's farewell party, his last shift before he becomes a lawyer. Everyone has left and just the staff remain.
It's not like he'll never be back, he does partly own this place. I roll my eyes at Isabel's over the top dramatics like she'll never see him again. He lives next door for fucks sake, he's your fucking best friend. You will see him before breakfast! I feel like shouting, I don't. I don't say anything.
Words are pointless and I don't speak unless I have to. I'm not angry with her anymore, I'm not angry about anything. Anger is an emotion and it's been a long time since I've felt any of them. I don't cry anymore, I don't get angry and I don't laugh, I never smile. The only time I ever feel anything is when I'm onstage, but that could just be the drugs. Coke seems to counteract the anti depressants Coop feeds me for breakfast. Two months have built up a nice wall of emotionless fog that when I'm not fucking off my face has numbed me well.
I clap my hands when the group of people around me clap and wonder if maybe I should have listened to Cooper giving his speech. Jace is the father of my god babies after all. Doesn't matter I guess, blah blah blah fucking Big Man is awesome, blah blah it won't be the same with him bullshit.
I drop my fork and stare at the mutilated frosting, I can kinda make out two faces. One looks like a demon and one looks like a clown. Thank god neither look like my Isabel.

"Hey" a voice breaks my concentration and I look up.
"Hey Blondie, what's up?" I answer looking at her huge belly.
"Long night huh?" She tries to pull herself up onto a barstool without much luck.
"Here sweetie, let me help" I lift under her arms and guide her.
"Thanks, I feel like I've swallowed the fudging titanic" she blushes.
"Not long now" I pat her hand in sympathy.
"Six weeks give or take, the doctors say I should have a cesarean birth but I'm stubborn. I want to do it myself" she grumbles.
"I know, Iz told me. You do what the doctor tells you honey, those girls need their mother" I tell her firmly.
"Yes Jace" she rolls her eyes at me. "I know I can do it and that's why I need to ask a favour of you" she smiles at me already knowing I'll do anything she asks.
"Shoot" I shrug.
"I have a birthing class tomorrow, it's afternoon don't worry. Jay has to do very important lawyer stuff I won't pretend to understand, an oath or something so I need a stand in Daddy. Will you be my Daddy?" She asks through her long lashes.
"On one condition, you must only call me Daddy and nothing else and you buy me ice cream on the way home" I tell her.
"Technically that's two conditions" she laughs and my chest tightens, Beth has a beautiful laugh. "But I accept, appointment is at two and I promise to have you back for sound check"
"You've heard me right? Sweetie I don't need a sound check" I wink cocky.
"Fine by me, you can rub my feet instead" she giggles and yawns.
"Want me to take you home?" I ask hoping for an out.
"I wish, but no. I begged the old man to let me come out tonight, I'm not going to admit he was right" she grimaces.
"Well at least let me go get Isabel's office chair for you? This has got to be uncomfortable" I rub her back and shoulders and Beth moans in pleasure.
"When are you going to stop hitting on my woman? You need me to take him out the back sweetheart?" Jace comes and kisses his wife and rubs his hands over his daughters.
"Uh... never, have you seen the size of her titties?" I tease him.
"Yeah I have, she will have two hungry mouths to feed in a matter of weeks. They need to be, do I need to call Jess to give you the breastfeeding talk again?" He growls at me taking the bait, it's so easy to stir him up.
"That's really not necessary, just make sure you are worshiping this heavenly creature like she deserves or I will. Belly and all she is fucking beautiful" I squeeze her shoulders and kiss her head. "She's also tired, put her to bed" I wink at Beth before leaving out the back door to light a joint.

It's so fucking cold out that my breath fogs the air and my fingers shake, I should have snuck into the green room. The door creaks behind me and light floods the parking lot for a brief second, I turn to see Izzy has followed me out.
"Go back inside honey it's freezing" I frown at her.
"It's not so bad" she lies hiding her hands in her armpits and hunching her shoulders.
"Ha! Your lips are already blue" I snort and take a large hit.
"Wanna share?" She asks standing too close to me.
I want to wrap my arms around her, I want to keep her warm.
"No, I don't. Go back inside Isabel" I step backwards.
"No. It's my bar and my parking lot, you can't make me" she tells me as stubborn and childish as ever.
"Oh for fucks sake" I groan and hold my joint between my lips as I wiggle out of my leather jacket. "You are such an ass" I tell her as I wrap it over her shoulders and she snuggles in with a smile.
I want to smile back, I don't.
"I love this jacket, you always wear this jacket" she smells the collar.
"Thanks, I won it" I grumble, she doesn't even care I'm only in a tee shirt without it does she?
"How do you win a jacket" her forehead gets this small crease between her brows thinking about it.
"I bet this guy I could last longer than him without losing my load" I shrug, she asked.
"Uh say what?"
"Dude had a nice jacket, and a hot girlfriend. I bet him I could last longer than him while Monica sucked his dick and his girl sucked mine. It was a hustle, no one can withstand Moni" I explain watching the way the smoke rises around me.
"And what if his girlfriend has skills of her own?" Iz laughs.
"I'm pretty good at blocking out things going on around me, if I won't want to feel it I don't. If it was that good.... well there are always other jackets" I shrug.
"Obviously it wasn't" she smirks.
"It never is" I sigh except with you gorgeous.
I finish my joint without sharing, I'll never smoke with her again.
"Cole are we okay?" She asks for the sixty second time since the last time we smoked together.
"Of course, now get inside" I lie for the sixty second time and shoo her up the stairs.
"You never smile with me, you never laugh. It feels like I've lost you... if I did something? I'm so sorry" she tells me and tears come to her eyes.
"I don't smile with anyone, I don't laugh. You can thank the pills you husband pumps into me, upside... I haven't tried to kill my self for weeks. And I'm sorry Isabel, you never had me" I step up in front of her when she turns on me.
Her hand lays flat on my chest stopping me from passing her. I almost shiver at the warmth, I almost pull her into my body.
"You know that's not true, we have... Had something special. I've hurt you and I don't know how, but it was never my intention. Just tell me what I did, I can fix this" she begs me.
"There's nothing to fix, I'm fine. We're fine" I sigh and I stare at her face with longing, I miss her.
"Whenever you're ready to tell me the truth I'll be here" she whispers and her hand softens on my chest, her other joins it and she hugs me around the ribs.
Her cheek presses into my side and I feel her warm breath. I look to the empty dark sky, I don't hug her back.
"Alright enough, you might not be cold but I am. Move it" I walk forward forcing her to move with me and she groans in frustration.
I don't let it bother me, I open the door and she can either walk on her own or sucker fished to my body. She doesn't let go. Sucker fished it is, Izzy's feet cover mine and I walk behind the bar with her stepping with me. It's almost funny, months ago I would have laughed. Not today.
"Dude you know a good doctor where I could get this removed?" I ask Coop who rolls his eyes seeing us walk in.
"Izzy leave him be" Coop smirks and hands me a beer.
"I'm waiting" she holds me tighter and pouts.
"You're waiting for nothing" I mutter and drink down half the beer.
"Bro, watch my beer? I need to piss" I say putting my half empty glass on the bar and turn for the men's room.
Izzy giggles but doesn't let go, I sigh and push through the door with her still attached. I'm prepared to see this through.
"Last chance?" I tell her holding open the stall. "Nope? Alright then. I'm warning you now my aim isn't perfect" I shrug and close the door behind me. "Maybe you wanna move to the side just a bit?" I offer and undo my zip, Izzy whimpers and squeezes her eyes shut tight.
"Jesus fucking Christ baby, he gets the point" Coop barges in behind me and pulls the infuriating tiny thing from off me and tosses her over his shoulder with a slap on the ass.
"No he doesn't. He needs to know I'll always be here" she tells him behind me but I try not to listen.
I get out my cock and do what I came here to do, I sigh in relief and ignore my...Cooper's girls gasp of shock.
The door bangs closed behind me and they are gone. I stay in here longer than necessary, fixing my hair and even wiping down the counter. I don't want to face her.