You know that moment...
When you first pick up that knife and your blood is rushing and your head is pounding and all you can think is
"Do it do it do it DO IT YOU BASTARD."
And your hand is shaking and you wonder
"What if they see what if they notice what if I get caught"
And your only thought to that is
"Well fuck of course now I would get caught."
Your hand stops shaking and you grasp the knife and like a baby to its mother press it to your skin.
Then you stop and you realize for the first time what the fuck it is that you're doing and you notice you've finally fucking lost it but you don't give a shit.
You're desperate.
You're filled with hate and anger and pain and sadness and for the love of God no one knows, they think you're a liar a fake and all you want to do is spill the blood, mark your skin, take fate into your own hands and do the hurting yourself for once in your miserable insignificant life.
You want to take control, take charge and show them that they can't fucking touch you. It's all up to you and their sorry asses have no say. They can't hurt you.
And you press the knife in and slide it across your wrist and leave a thin red streak. Your own mark.
Finally.
And it oozes and stings and you feel true pain, none of that fake shit everyone believes.
You put your knife down and wipe it clean and hide it in its place of honor, letting your pain free itself from your body and roll down your arm. You feel the freedom and relaxation and for once everything is ok in the world.
Finally.
But that doesn't last...
You know that moment...
When the wound has healed over and only a scab remains in its place and you look at it and smirk and think
"Why the fuck did I do that."
And you hate yourself so much and you remember what everyone said how you're crazy and lying and a fake and you just feel so mad and hurt and angry and sad and you want to do something about it, you want to do the hurting yourself for once, and you pick up that knife and you put it to your wrist and you feel that moment right before the cut...
