Read My Lips: Restricted Version

RML: Chapter 23 (R)

Chapter 23


Amber licked at the ripple of muscles on his abdomen.  A slight sheen of sweat coated his skin, but he tasted so good...like that first kiss they shared, dark and male and erotic.  Amber thought it was the greatest taste in the galaxy.  She loved the patch of fur in the center of his chest, and the trail of dark hair leading from his navel to his groin, meeting up with more of that ebony fur.  A strong, proud staff protruded restlessly, twitching with every move of her body.

Amber had never seen a man naked, with the exception of television, but seeing Linc naked had been almost as thrilling as feeling him naked.  God, he was beautiful.  Lean muscles molded every inch of him.  There wasn’t an ounce of fat anywhere.  He felt like chiseled marble, covered in a skin of supple leather, and her hands trembled with naivete as she touched him, learning his body and his reactions to her explorations.  This was a man made -- designed and created -- for loving.  Every woman should be so lucky as to share a bed with such a paragon of the male species.

But Amber was having a hell of a time keeping her love out of the bedroom.  Linc didn’t bring his, so she was determined to enjoy this experience without hers.  She did love him -- or at least, she was quickly getting there, but she knew that when morning came, he still wouldn’t love her.  Therefore, she limited her emotions to only pure lust and passion.  It wasn’t easy, but she was managing.

As she moved closer and closer to his erect manhood, she studied it with a keen eye.  Never having seen one in person before, she always imagined that it would be...I don’t know...smaller?...uglier?  But no, it was beautiful, just like the rest of him.  Smooth and flawless...dignified, yet rugged and powerful.  Would it taste just as potent as the skin on his chest and neck?  A drop of milky liquid dotted the tip, and Amber could feel Linc’s chest rising and falling with anticipated breaths.  

Dare she?

Quickly, she licked at the drop.  Linc spasmed.  The taste of him spread across her tongue.  Mmm...

Linc pulled frantically at her arms, trying to pull her away, and she refused to look up at him because he would tell her to stop, and she didn’t want to stop.  She wanted to taste him again.  Shaking her head against his tugging demands, she dipped her mouth and licked him again.  His fingers dug into her arms, tightly, yet not bruising her.  Amber circled the whole head of his manhood with her lips, lapping at the slit on top, and suddenly, Linc flipped her over and hovered above her face.  His eyes were so dilated and crazy with need, they looked black.  His jaw was clenched so tightly, he looked about to break a bone.

“I was not done,” she told him, feeling a little bit irritated.

“If I didn’t stop you, I would have been done,” he returned.

Amber narrowed her eyes.  He could tease her and taste her and make her moan and orgasm with his mouth and hands, but she couldn’t do the same for him?  Was this what usually happened with a man and woman during lovemaking?  Unequal rights?

Not for her.

With superhuman strength, she flipped him over on his back and straddled him.  He blinked, startled and impressed, at her tenacity.  “I said, ‘I was not done’,” she told him, barely refraining from hissing at him.

“Amber,” he warned, using his intense gaze to make the warning known to her.  “Just you sitting there like that is making me want to burst.  If you put your pretty little mouth on me again...”

She looked down to where their bodies were touching.  She could see -- and feel -- his rigid manhood nestled between her legs, spreading the folds of her feminine lips and teasing her all over again.  She tilted her hips, sliding along the length of him, and his eyes rolled back in his head.

This is kind of fun.  Yes, she wanted him.  Yes, she wanted to feel him inside her, but they had all night.  And dammit...she had to taste him again.

She didn’t know if this would be the one and only time she’d ever get a chance too make love to Linc, to be here with him like this...and she wanted to do it all before tomorrow came.  She wanted a memory that would hold her through all the nights to come...she wanted all of him.

With the swiftness and agility of a determined woman, she positioned her body to take him into her mouth.  He came clear off the mattress and clutched strong fingers into her hair.  If he said something, then she was glad she couldn’t hear him.  She wanted this.  She had no idea what to do, but that didn’t stop her.  With each lick and swallow, his fingers dug further and further into her head, but not painfully.  Even in his distress, he was still gentle with her, massaging her scalp, tugging rhythmically on her hair, and arching his hips in movement with her mouth.

Then she felt a change in him...he convulsed, buried himself into her mouth, spilling a tangy flavor down her throat.  He shuddered as she kept licking him, wishing she could taste more of him.  The man was a drug.  God, she wanted more.  More of him...his body, his heart...to lift up and tell him she loved him, she wanted him forever, but Linc told her from the beginning.  Tonight was about sex and lust and two bodies twisting and entwining around each other.  Not love.  There could be no love involved.

Yet, something so beautiful and perfect as the two of them together like this...how could she not involve her love for him?  How could he segregate his heart from her when he obviously felt something for her?  And how could she continue on...loving him tonight without loving him?

She let him slip from her mouth as she licked the last taste of him off her lips.  He had yet to make love to her, and now that she finished him like this...would he?  Or was he really done, like he warned her he would be?

Amber just wished she knew what she was doing...wished she had some experience with a man and his orgasms.  She glanced at him.  His eyes were closed, squeezed shut, and his mouth parted, gasping for air, but his fingers were still in her hair, caressing her, stroking down her neck and back up again while he gathered his breath and calmed his heartbeat.

As though he knew she was watching him, he smiled and said, “Come here, sweetheart,” and pulled her up to lay across his chest.  She tucked her head under his chin, pressing her cheek to his chest and her ear to his heart, feeling the thump, thump, thump pulsing against her.  His palm grazed down her back to her waist and hip and up again...over and over, even circling around her bottom a few times, fondling and molding the curves there.  She sighed and closed her eyes, allowing the warmth of his body to draw her into relaxation.

His arms folded around her, holding her tight as his breathing steadied, yet he made no move to proceed any further.  A prickling behind her eyelids started up.  She swallowed a lump in her throat.  Even now, he was reluctant to love her fully.  That same old push and pull.  Let her go, Linc, she pleaded in her heart.  Finish what we have started.  Love me!

Still, though her heart broke for him, she couldn’t fault him.  If he were any different -- loved Macie any less -- would she had fallen in love with him?  She thought of all the moments she spent with him since they first met.  She remember feeling fascinated by him as he staggered away from his brother’s wedding, drunk and angry and sad, and how he looked at her that first time, not quite sure if she was real or not.  Then all the times he made her smile and laugh...and raging with frustration for him...and how she worked on her speech so he would look at her with pride, and how it felt to dance in his arms, seeing that dark desire smoldering in his eyes...

And how he crouched down in front of Macie’s grave...anguish, heartbreak, sadness smothering his expression...love lost, torn from him, killing a part of him that was capable of loving anyone else ever again...

Amber wished she could heal him.  She wished she could give him enough love through their lovemaking to sustain him and allow him to love her in return, but reality was a cold bitch.  He loved Macie...forever and then some.

A sob threatened to escape her throat, but she couldn’t allow it.  Already, her body was falling under the spell of his languid warmth.  And she couldn’t fight it any longer.  We still have not made love, she thought as sleep claimed her...but no regrets...except one.

*****

Linc held her tight, afraid to move, afraid to open eyes and look down at her lovely body stretched out on top of him, afraid that he would lose his control on his heart and find himself in love with her.  Guilt and shame -- like he’d never felt before -- coursed through his veins.  Macie...honey, I’m so sorry...

“I can’t stop,” he whispered into the space above their bodies.  Amber’s breathing slowed and deepened and he knew she fell asleep.  It was good she wasn’t awake to see him like this...thinking of Macie while holding her naked body in his arms.  “I love you, Macie, but I can’t stop this...why can’t I love you enough to never want another woman -- this woman?”

Nothing answered him.  Lately, Macie’s spirit hadn’t been present at the cemetery, but today, she invaded his bedroom, granting visions of her on his grandmother’s quilt, yet she wasn’t giving him the answers he needed right now.  Shit!  Why am I even wanting Macie here while I hold Amber?  In my bed!  Amber doesn’t deserve this...or me...

Yet, this sweet woman was here, on her own decisions to make this night happen.  Her own reasons, whether that to be a check on her damn list, or whether she meant what she said earlier...

“...fall in love with the first man I meet...”

Linc inhaled a shaky breath.  Not that...anything but that...lust, passion, horny desire, even a need to slow the biological clock...but not love.  He could handle and rationalize anything but love.  Puppy love or a first crush, he decided he didn’t mind those too much either, but that wasn’t what she meant.  He knew it.  He saw it in her eyes.  She loved him.  She was in love with him...the same kind of debilitating love that refused to let Macie go.  And he knew Amber wouldn’t let him go either.  She was determined, even while he was reluctant.

I should have just taken her on that hay bale, he thought.  Rough, hard, and fast...instead of this slow lovemaking, learning each other’s bodies, giving her hope that he wanted more from her...and he did.  He wanted all of her, but not at the expense of forgetting Macie.  Maybe if he had given into his carnal desires from the start, she would see just what kind of bastard he really was.  The bastard who felt like he was cheating on the woman he loved...and didn’t care enough to stop.

The last of the afternoon slipped into night, and Linc held Amber contently in his embrace.  He couldn’t push her away any more than he could finish what they started.  If she woke and wanted to continue, then he would...he’d make love to her all night, because he was that bastard.  Because he couldn’t stop wanting her...wanting so much more from her, yet afraid of defining what he did want.  

With a tormented sigh, he released his body to sleep.  She would wake soon, and then he would give her the choice again.  He prayed she truly knew what she was doing...that she examined her reasons and choices thoroughly.  He could live with his guilt...but not with hers.

*****

Something soft and feathery tickled his chest as a cool breeze blew across the small lake, drifting into their special place under the willows.  Warmth spread out from every little touch, and he knew a woman kissed him.  Macie...  However, the sweet scent of her seemed different, sweeter, fresher, and her delicate fingers teased his skin, softer and gentler than he remembered, yet that didn’t stop her curious touch from sending tendrils of desire through his blood.  Linc laid on the blue checkered quilt, listening to the trilling of birds in the branches above and smiling as her hair swept across his bare chest.   

They had just made love under their tree, like so many times before, and his eyes were closed in peaceful rest, but that didn’t stop Macie from tempting him.  Passion like he had never felt before ripped through his body as he gripped the quilt in tight fists and allowed her to love on him.  Love, perfect love had no bounds.  He felt her from the back of his closed eyelids while she trailed her perfect kisses down his chest, stopping briefly to lap delicately at places she deemed worthy of the extra attention. The fabric of the quilt bunched up in his fingers as he tried to remain calm.  Linc knew this was Paradise and Heaven rolled into one. If he was dreaming he didn’t want to wake.

Macie was here with him...after all these years...and he couldn’t let her go, but he couldn’t make himself stop her long enough to hold her tightly.  Her mouth left his body for a brief second as she straddled his thighs to slide lower, kissing lower...and lower.  Then she stopped, whispered, “Look at me, Linc,” in a voice that was not hers.  His eyes blinked open.  The sun-kissed, naked vision he saw was not Macie...but Amber, beautiful Amber, his Amber under this particular tree, on this quilt.  A dream...just a dream...

While she smiled at him, she trailed her fingers along his thighs, the same fingers he had watched and memorized so many times in the motions of sign language was now touching him, caressing him.  Their eyes clashed and hers told him a silent story in her gaze, a story of love. A heart that would love him until the end of his days, just as her whispered words commanded him to see her, her eyes commanded him to love her, take her, give to her all he was and more. A command as gentle as her kiss, as sweet as her lips.

Macie lay forgotten in his mind as he looked at Amber.  This beautiful, sweet woman had a knack for shoving all thoughts of Macie to the back of Linc’s cowboy mind.  In that one look, that one smile, she loved him.  And he was going to let her.  

Macie would always be a part of his past. But Amber, she was a part of his future, his present. A gift sent to help heal his broken heart.

She drove him crazy with her smiling mouth.  He had to kiss her.  Hold onto her.  Join with her.  So...he pulled her up to lay beside him on the quilt in the sweet grass, caressing each curve of her silky smooth skin.  His body knew he wanted her, even if his heart was still confused.  She opened up to him, willingly, invitingly, and he positioned himself, unable to stop his driving need for her.

“I love you Linc,” she whispered in his ear as he plunged deep into her. “I love you enough for both of us.  It’s okay...I love you enough...”  An infinite eternity later, their bodies laid entwined, sated and clinging to each other in a lover’s embrace...and the wind sighed their names as one.

A gentle groan of pleasure rippled up his chest, making him smile.  Amber...

His dream faded with that groan.  A dream of Amber, not Macie.  Of Amber laying on that blue quilt under his tree down in the pasture...the same spot he first made love to Macie...the same spot he first met Amber.  Dreaming of Amber telling him she loved him, and it was okay.  He didn’t have to love her back.  “I love you enough for both of us.”

A flood of resentment smothered him.  Don’t love me...don’t plague me with this guilt...  Even his dreams were torturing him, trying to force him to stop loving Macie...to fall in love with Amber.  But being with her feels so...perfect.

He wanted Amber like he’d never wanted another woman...including Macie.  His body wasn’t listening to his mind.  His body responded to her touch, hungry for her, recklessly ignoring everything else, every argument he threw at it.  

He enjoyed being with her.  He enjoyed the fact that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.  He craved her company and friendship and trust because she gave it with her whole heart, and it had been too long since he’d experienced such unblemished trust, especially from someone who trusted so few men.  And yes, her love.  He wanted her to love him, and that was wrong...so very perverse, rotten, vicious...selfish.

But I can’t stop myself...I can’t stop her...

And stop her, he didn’t when his dream became a reality and that feathery softness moved onto his bellybutton.  Linc opened his eyes, fully awake now.  Amber licked at his stomach while her fingers traced little patterns of swirls just above his groin.  She had turned on his bedside lamp and the light cast a golden glow against her skin.  A glance at his clock told him he’d been asleep for little more than an hour.  How long had she been doing this?  Should he notify her that he was awake?  Or was the hardening muscle between his legs enough warning?

Without raising her head to look at his face, she said, “Ah...I was wondering when you would wake up.”

He let his fingertip stroke her jaw, moving over to her mouth where it nuzzled his skin.  So beautiful, so soft...  She nipped him and looked up into his face with a smile.  “What are you doing?” he asked her.

“Tasting you,” she responded and darted out her tongue to show him.

“And how do I taste?”

“Mmm...so good,” she moaned, licking his stomach over and over, going further and further down until the tip of his manhood touched her chin.  She licked that, too, and he moaned with her.  It seemed she already made her choice to continue what they started earlier, and dammit, his objections buckled with every swipe of her tongue.  It was beyond his control at this point.

That burning pressure to fall in love with her, almost to the point of getting angry about it, flickered across his mind again.  Did she hope to win his heart through sex?  And with that thought, he once again considered putting a stop to her attentions, but he couldn’t make his body ignore her touch, her kiss, her warmth...he couldn’t ignore his need for her.  She had become his drink of choice.  Gone were the days of beer and hard liquor, a moment with her was more intoxicating and pain-numbing than any whiskey binge ever had been.  And he didn’t want to use her for that.  Because using her to forget the pain also meant he forgot about loving Macie.  He hated himself for betraying Macie this way and for abusing Amber’s good intentions, but he wasn’t a monk.  Parts of him had come alive for the first time in years.  And he didn’t mean his cock.  That damn thing had a mind of its own, anyway.  Amber made him feel things for another person...pride, protectiveness, happiness.  Something other than friendship.  She made him want to hold onto her forever.  

But not fall in love with her.  He refused to do that, yet that was her purpose.  He was certain about it.  She intended to make him fall in love her with her, regardless of what she claimed.  And that made him want to dig his toes into the ground and not budge.  He warned her.  He told her up-front what tonight would be about.  He told her, dammit, and she accepted that.  

Did she even care that there was no love involved here?  Or was this just the first step toward her goal?  He wished he knew, but he wasn’t about to ask.  Now, they both had to live with the consequences of her choice.  

For what seemed an eternity, she loved on his erect body part, and he was thankful he could control himself better this time.  Her mouth was a gift from heaven, and he longed to kiss it again.  Sitting upright, he pulled her sideways into his lap and tilted her head to take her mouth gently...that’s what he planned, anyway.  But as soon as her tongue touched his, he was lost.  Savagely, he consumed her...tasting her...tasting him on her...and it was enough to launch him over the edge of reason.

He pushed down on her body, forcing her backward, her head at the foot of his bed and him lying over top of her.  “Tell me again,” he said, looking into the blue depths of her eyes.  “Tell me again that you won’t regret this.  I will stop if you do.”

“I told you, Linc...I will not regret this,” she said, her voice so sweet in his ears.  

“I never figured you for the casual sex kind of girl, you know,” he told her.

She cocked a sassy eyebrow.  “I am not.  There is nothing casual about this.”

“There is nothing permanent about this either,” he reminded her.  But she just smiled secretively and said, “Sure, Linc.”

“It’s not going to bother you?  That this is as far as we go?  Just sex?”  He had to know.  He needed to know if his lack of love bothered her...because it bothered him, the sick, selfish bastard that he was.

She closed her eyes, and he assumed she was trying to ignore his questions, but then she sighed and looked at him again.  “Tonight is tonight,” she said.  “Tomorrow is another day.”

“Amber, nothing will change tomorrow,” he said.

“I know,” she breathed sadly.  “But I can hope.”

So, she did think to wedge herself into his heart.  “Do you really think you are in love with me?”

A flash of anger hid in the depths of her blue eyes.  “Are we going to talk all night...or what?”

“You can’t seduce me into falling in love with you.  It’s won’t work, Amber.”

For a long time, she blinked at him.  Then she sat up on her elbows and pinned him with a savage glare.  “I am not trying to screw my way into your heart, Lincoln Martin.”

“There is no need to get pissed,” he said, actually getting a little amused by her use of that tiny curse word.  It didn’t seem to have the same ugliness when coming out of her mouth.  “I’m just trying to clarify all this before we go any further.”

“We have clarified!”

“How could you know, Amber...if you’ve never been in love before?  Why do you think you love me?” he asked.  

A small, bitter smile curved the corners of her perfect lips.  “If you want to stop, we will stop, but I will not stop loving you.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“Of course not,” she said haughtily.  

“I won’t think any less of you,” he said and meant it.  Actually, if she did decide to stop, he wouldn’t blame her one bit.  He was a bastard, only using her because he needed her, but he didn’t love her.  He liked her.  He felt strong, powerful things for her, but he loved Macie.  “Amber, if we go any further, I will be no better than those jerks from your high school.  You’ll look at me with hatred because I don’t love you, and I...I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that.”

The anger and bitterness left her with a sigh.  She lifted her fingers to his face, brushing back a strand of hair that fell over his forehead.  “I will not hate you, Linc.  I could never hate you.  When I am with you...I feel your pain.  I feel your loss and sadness.  It swells inside me until I can bear it no longer...and yet, I do.  I love you because you cannot love me.  I do not know how to explain it.  You love Macie.  But I love you enough for both of us.”

The same words from his dream.  His heart almost broke for her...almost.  It would have to heal the shattered remains first, and one night wasn’t going to do that.  “Amber, I’m sorry...”

“Shh,” she cooed, placing a finger over his lips.  “It does not matter right now.  Make love to my body if that is all you have to give me.  I will take it.  We do not have to talk about loving each other ever again, if that is what you want.  I will not force you to feel something you cannot.  Give me whatever you can.  All I ask is that you do not hurt me on purpose.”

“I could never hurt you,” he swore hoarsely.

“I know, Linc...and that is why I trust you so much...you would never hurt me.”

He kissed her then...urgently, passionately, because he was a goddamn bastard, wanting her so much when she claimed to love him.  Sometimes the high road wasn’t the best path.  Sometimes that trail took a person away from his destination.  Further apart from the person he needed.  He could refuse her...save her from certain heartbreak by not making love to her.  He knew -- felt it in his bones -- that once he joined with her, that was it for him.  He’d want her over and over again.  She’d love him, make love to him, throwing everything inside her at him, and he’d take it from her.  Because there was something about her that made him feel whole again.

He’d give her what he could...maybe something else would come later.