Thinking of you • Harry Edward Styles

Chapter eight.

11 March, 2013 - Harry Styles POV

To be honest, I hadn't really thought about Louis' words and I sure as hell didn't prepared myself for the interview. So I could only hope they wouldn't ask me about Sophie or anything Paris related. 

I waited, too nervous to be even able to talk, with the boys behind the screen until we were being called up. They had already informed us that this interview would go different than the most interviews and that we had to sit seperately when they would get to the personal stuff.

In other words, I would have to face it on my own without the support of my friends. And the thought of that made me even more nervous than I already were, thinking about the last time I started crying in an one on one interview about something personal. It was for the documentary and even though I had cried about the hate I had recieved back then, I started getting loads of hate after the documentary because I had cried. Now it made me realise in what kind of world we live, but then I could only crawl up in bed and cry.

Hate was one of the few things that could really, really hurt me. I just wanted for everyone to like me. 

But sadly enough, that wasn't how it worked in the real world, especially when you're famous and the whole world knows about you.

"Give it up for one direction!" A big applause and a lot of screams were coming from the audience when we appeared in front of the screens and were walking with big smiles to our seats. Even the host himself was clapping for us before he took a seat back on the cair that was in front of us.

But the only thing that really catched my gaze were the two chairs standing a bit on our left, which were probably set for the personal questions I had feared since the moment I got here. 

"So guys, how are you?" The host looked at us with a smile on his face and an asking look in his eyes. Louis was the one who answered his question. 

"We're doing fine. We have had a lot of time to just relax and go out with friends and visit our families and stuff, so that's very nice." We all nodded agreedingly. 

"And are there any upcoming events?" 

"Yeah, we're starting with our tour in about two weeks, I think?" Zayn answered. "We'll do a tour here in the UK and later on in America."

"Ah, that's great! And your album that you brought out last year, is there any upcoming album? Already writing songs for it?" 

"To be honest we write songs when we feel like it. It doesn't matter if we're picking songs for our next album or not. Sometimes you need to write your feelings down and make a song of it. But we're planning on bringing another album out this year. We'll start recording during the tour and when it's done and if everything goes well, we can bring it out at the end of this year." Was Liam's answer. The host nodded with a smile on his face.  

"Any news about your love life, Zayn?" The host asked Zayn, who was sitting infront of him. Liam, Niall and Louis had already sat on the chair and it was almost my turn. My hands felt sticky and my heart was racing like never before. 

"There's no news about my love life and even if there was news, it's private and I don't talk about it. You know what happened between me and Perrie, I don't ever want that to happen again."

"Ah, yeah, that was a really sad thing. How are you dealing with it? I mean, is she still a part of your life?"

I saw Zayn swallowing and then I realised how selfish I had been. Zayn was still having a hard time with his break up with Perrie and I didn't even see it. The day he had removed his twitter account, was the day that Perrie confronted him with the video of him in a hotel when he was drunk. It had hurt Perrie so much and it had caused some pretty deep damage in their relation. The reactions of the fans didn't really make it better and Zayn was starting to go crazy. He felt sick for days and we only saw him when we had an interview or when we needed to record some new stuff. Next to that, we didn't saw our best friend at all. Afterwards, it turned out that Perrie had dumped him, saying she couldn't trust him anymore. Zayn was littarely broken. I had seen him cry about it once and that was enough for me to know that he felt terrible. Still didn't the past seem to get a rest, because everytime we got an interview it seemed to be necessary to ask him about, which was litarely a stab in Zayn's chest, everytime they asked about it.

"I really don't want to talk about it, it's private." Zayn answered with a broken voice. The host  nodded and said something to the audience, which made everyone clap. I didn't really listen, because it was my turn now. 

When I started walking to the chair in robot mode, I noticed how Zayn gave me a heartwarming look but I didn't really respond. All I could see was that terrifying chair.

My legs felt like lead, but when I finally got to sit down in the deep blue chair, it didn't make me feel any better. And to make it any worse, I was looking right in the host's eyes, who was watching me with a smile on his face as if this wasn't horrible at all.

"I'll just ask the question everybody wants to ask you," he started and I tried my hardest, I literally put all my energy into it, to keep my face plain. "What happened to your Paris' girl?"

Even thought I had seen them coming, the words hit me straight in the face and my pokerface fell like a waterfall from my face. I broke and had to keep myself standing, I had to put a smile on my face, but the only thing I did was pushing back a tear with my finger. I couldn't cry, not now, not again.

The inquistive face of the host almost looked like it was smiling at me and I managed to get an answer out of my mouth. 

"I erm, I loved her.." I spoke softly and I tried to get myself together while there was a killing silince in the audience.

"I thought that we were something," I had never even thought that these words would mess with my head as much as they did right now. I stopped talking and tried to get myself together, again. I shook my head at the thought that I really had thought we were something, something special. I just couldn't believe that I had honestly thought I had found the love of my life.

"I thought I was someone special," I said broken, "but I just don't think I am." My voice cracked and I shook my head, trying to stop the tears that were burning in my eyes. 

"I am sorry, I can't, I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry." I murmered before I got up and walked away confused. I needed time, time to get myself together, to face it on my own before I had to face it with someone. 

I slumped down to the floor with my back against the wall, crying. I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to see her, I had to talk to her.

I just had to know why. 

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I'm really sorry that you had to wait again for so long, but I just couldn't get my head to writing and I probably won't for the next year because I'm in my senior year or 12th grade or whatever you would like to call it, and I really want to graduate. Maybe I will post a chapter now and then, but don't hope for it and please don't ask me about it because school is school and my life is my life and i can't seem to get writing for my own pleasure in my schedule. I do hope you'll leave me a nice comment, not one like "update soon" because it won't make me update any sooner, it will probably discourage me to write so yeah. 

Thank you for reading still, after all these months/year and I really do hope I can please you guys with a chapter in the near future. 

Love, Emma