A selection from 'Remarkably Silly Stories for Grown-ups'

Copyright notice and a dire warning

Silly Stories is where I shall put silly stories as they occur to me. They don't necessarily have any relation to one another.

They are all copyright, all rights reserved, and if you steal my stories and I later get famous my lawyers will certainly be after you.

My lawyers are called Bloodfang & Wolf and they have a reputation. If you go into their office on a full moon you will find yourself at the front desk where a very pretty woman sits.

In one corner is a carved wooden candlestick holding a fat off-white church candle, its tiny flame guttering ineffectually.

You see the woman by the moonlight streaming through the gothic windows. She is wearing a black dress calculated to show off her figure, in which roundness in all the right places is emphasised by an almost unfeasably small waist. She has raven hair and her eyes are pools of darkness. Though she is beautiful you feel for a moment as though you are staring into the soul of an animal.

You ask to see one of the partners but she tells you ever so sweetly that since it is a full moon neither of them are in. However she assures you that your case is in the best hands and anyone who steals your work will be sure to regret it.

Somewhere outside you hear a scream which you think may be a fox or maybe not. Because she is smiling at you, and also because her low cut dress suggests orbs of surpassing aesthetic wonder, you think about asking her out on a date. The moonlight casts a glint on one of her unusually sharp canine teeth.

You lose your nerve and find yourself out on the pavement again wondering quite what happened. The fox, or whatever it was, screams again, briefly, then there is silence.

***

In Silly Stories all characters are fictitious unless they obviously aren't, in which case I shall head the relevant story with an appropriate disclaimer.

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