Spirit

A bully and a question

It all starts at 13 years old, being raised in a home that confined itself within christian boundaries. Holy words, beliefs, and actions. It was what we thought was the one true way to happiness and light, and a way to escape the hardships of the world. I, too, was a part of this little thing. Until the day came in which I was first ridiculed for being who I was by daring kids and questioned my own actions as well as other stupid rules.

No one knew, because if they did my mother would go about handling in which she thought was the best way possible, which in all actuality it's not. Now I can't blame her for trying. She is just trying to help her daughter escape the pain of being looked down on for being christ-like.

It starts with me going to middle school. I was nervous but mostly excited to be in a new place with these "elite children". We are no longer in elementary school!! We can rule the world!! Obviously this was far from what it was actually like, but I'm getting off topic. The main thing I remember is when I would hang out with my friend Tracy who (I don't know how she came to this) but she was going agnostic at the time, as well as my boyfriend, who I had to part because I couldn't handle the fact that we didn't look at god the same way. She would talk to me about how her mom treated her, how she was always dragged to church, she didn't really want to hear the word of God but I loved it, meanwhile she didn't even feel a connection... Or that's what it seemed like.

I would try to convince her it wasn't so bad but I didn't realize how bad it was until I went myself, you see my mom was anti-church so I never really went. "Anything u can learn in that boring old place u can learn right here at home!" That's her thought process. So going to this church didn't really bode well with my lack of sleep... I'm sure her mom hated me for barely making it through the LULLABLY of a choir. Yes, god was a good thing for me back then, but jeez even a baby would be able to sleep through that. And being dragged here against my will? Every week?? Hell no.

This is when I started to realize, this just doesn't happen to me, it happens to many other people. But how could kids and adults care so much about their spiritual needs they forget what makes third child happy? I mean my mother forces me to do many other things I thought were fine such as not saying "God" out of nowhere, (even after my religious change.. but we will get to that later). If God is so smart and has such infinite knowledge of the future wouldn't he know that I didn't mean to make him get off his lazy chair and talk to me? I thought these things until I told my mom about it. She said (and I quote) "Well maybe it's the devil trying to get in your head, force him out! Call on God!" So I prayed, for how long? Well, longer than it would have taken for God to realize, "OH DEAR! ONE OF MY GOOD CHILDREN I LOVE VERY VERY MUCH IS ABOYT TO BE STOLEN FROM ME! BETTER ACT FAST! actually nah..." *Sips holy coffee* "I'll just wait three weeks until she thinks that I don't hear her prayers anymore" and thats pretty much what happened. 

Then it happened again. Now, you can say I was over-reacting or whatever you want, but the first time this happened I would ask for advice. However, none of that advice ever really helped me. My God that I had thought loved me so much was only dropping little hints such as a tiny piece of scripture or little actions that people would do for me, and I would say to myself, "thanks God for making her do that" I couldn't pull it all together, it still felt the same, like a puzzle but with a lot of missing pieces. This time, I realized that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't as real as I had hoped.

My fourteenth birthday was then approaching, and I had finally been able to convince myself that my God still indeed did care.

But that was about to change so very soon.