Spirit

My Personal Philosophy

So this is where I officially denounced myself from Christ. Basically, I started asking questions, and making rules for myself such as: "Look, just because Billy gave u a pencil doesn't mean that god made him do it. Some things are just out of one's own kindness" so I decided to just only blame the things only a god can do.. on God.

For example, "earthquake strikes a city, 3 survive the impossible" that kinda stuff. If a dog however has cancer and it recovers because the doctor's treated it properly that's moreso the doctor than god. But this logic is flawed. See, this is where it gets complicated. Basically if I say that it was god who saved the people from the earthquake, who's to say God didn't have a hand in the dog being saved? And if I say that the family was just lucky, who's to say that the dog was not just lucky as well? So you have to chose a side, either you say God does everything good to everyone, which seems to be the premise for most of Christianity (not saying this is true, it's just an opinion of mine, this is tagged under "controversy" so don't get butthurt) or you can say that God does not have a hand in anything unless you pray about it, because then it would make it so that god did help you. For example, If I ask someone to give me a pencil and they give it to me, then that's like asking for God to fix my family and him doing that, so I would thank him. However if I don't pray and my family suddenly isn't broken anymore, I can say it was fate or something other than god because I didn't pray about it, and there's no proof that he did.

This philosophy was a SMALL part of what led me to stop praying, because like I said I would pray about my dad and my family almost every night, and I went to the churches and I read Bible's and I studied them with my mother when she wasn't busy, (which wasn't that often but still, she would help interpret verses for me), I honored him in songs and I sang them in my room alone and still here I am, so I just said nevermind. And I stopped singing and I stopped praying and I just... Stopped. Period.

My mom didn't really notice at the time, I still didn't know how to talk about it to her, I started hanging out with a boy who was athiestic, he showed me some flaws in the Bible's logic, such as "he knows all and sees all, hes a god, he should have infinite knowledge right? Then why didn't he know that the flood would be so bad that he would have to say sorry, and create raindows?" I couldn't find any answers, and still I was in denial and sometimes rarely I still prayed to see if he would give me the answers to these flaws, but still I got nothing. And people say the answers he gives aren't direct but, once again, if God knows all then why couldn't he just put it simply so my tiny mortal mind can understand his messages instead of being all connect-the-dots and cryptic about it?

Either that or I was never meant to be here. That's exactly what went through my mind one day, and then I became agnostic. Which is NOT atheism, here is the actual definition:

Mainly where it says: a person who neither claims faith or a disbelief in god. So I knew that there was a god out there, it's just I haven't really decided who that god was, and I hadn't given faith to it either.

So I was just kinda floating around, living my life, wondering where my faith would take me. Then my dad moved out, he was still a drug addict as far as I knew, and so though there was a lot of stress gone from me, he was still in his old habits, which is what I was praying about, so (based on the way I think/my philosophy) I don't really think it was God's work (him moving out) and instead him finding an opportunity to leave and taking it.

But my religion wouldn't stay agnostic for long. I was about to find peace in a religion that's... Sorta taboo.