Why Don't I Call You Ciel? Ciel Phantomhive...

VI

I open my eyes to see Sebastian smiling down on me. It is an interesting situation, I might say, that he would be there. Didn't I run away? Did this all happen to be a bad dream? I certainly wish it was like that...it would be much better than what I had to go through.

But sadly I know it wasn't.

Last night's memories flood my mind. It was horrific. To think that they would do such a thing to me! I am not even all that attractive. I shouldn't have had this happen. It shouldn't have happened. I can still feel their hands on me. I can still feel the cold ground behind me. It hurts. It hurts so much.

I sit up and hug myself. It is the only way to keep the tears back. To muffle my screams. This is the only way I know how to keep calm.

Things like this have happened before sometimes. Since I was living on the street I thought that I would have gotten used to it. But of course, who gets used to that? Nothing as bad as that has ever happened to me. I shouldn't have tried to escape. I shouldn't have gotten mad.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Why would Sebastien want me to stay anyway?

I have only caused him trouble. So what if he thinks of me like the other Ciel? So what? Does it really matter? Does it? In the grand scheme of things does it really effect what happens next?

But it hurts...to think that I have fallen for someone that will never like me for who I am.

That hurts more than any physical pain that could have befallen me. I'm not sure I can hold back those tears. I'm not sure that I can stop those emotions.

I shouldn't have come here.

I shouldn't have come to Japan.

I shouldn't have met Sebastian.

He shouldn't have met me.

We shouldn't be together.

That is simply how things were meant to be.

I hug myself tighter and rock back and forth. If I bite my lip will the rest of the pain go away? If I dig my nails into my skin, will at least some of this terrible feeling be replaced?

I feel useless, unloved, unwanted, not needed, what is the point of me?

It is while I am thinking all of these things that I feel two arms wrap around me and bring me closer. It is comforting. It is gentle. It was not what I was expecting. I allow them to hold me close, to say soothing words. Even if my ears are not hearing what they say, I still find them to be better than silence.

But my breaking point is here. I can no longer hold back the tears that were threatening to escape. I can't do that any more. It isn't worth it. I just wish to be swallowed up by these arms. Is it okay to cry? Is it okay to let these feelings out? Is that alright? Is it really okay? Will he get mad at me? Will I no longer be like his 'young master' if I do that?

What does it matter.

I want to cry.

So I do.

I grab onto Sebastian's shirt and force my head against his chest, in hopes that it might muffle my sobs. I don't think it does much, except for suffocate me...but it is all okay now. Dying doesn't seem so bad anyways.

He runs his hand through my hair and continues to say things that I can't listen to. It isn't that I don't want to hear them, it is just that my ears don't seem like they want to work. I can't help but block out everything. It is an eerie silence that I have forced myself to. It is a strange thing to not even be able to hear myself sob.

Will it always be like this? Will I never be able to hear again? If I can't hear then I can't speak either...what is this going to be like now? I don't think I'll have a future, at least not a good one.

It is strange, I can remember all of last night, except the very end. How did I get back to Sebastian? Why do I not even remember him saving me? Why do I not remember any of that? I feel like I am missing out on something important...something really key...something so obvious that it is hurting me because I can't think of it.

Just what did I miss?

Well it isn't any use trying to remember.

Perhaps it is better that I forgot in the first place. It is better that I don't know, there must be a reason...

If only I could forget what had happened to me too.

If I could forget that Sebastian saw someone else in me...would I be able to go back to loving him blindly? Happily? Idiotically? One can only hope. But it is too late for that now. For it has already happened.

"I feel so dirty," I mutter. I can barely speak, let alone talk much louder than a whisper. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why am I so weak?

"Then, would you like to take a bath?" he says. I can hear him now. Loud and clear. My hearing is starting to go back to normal, even though I feel so distant. I look up at him incredibly confused. How is a bath going to make me feel better? This isn't the kind of dirt that you can just wash away...I can't just wash away the gross feeling of hands all over me.

Can I?

I would like to think that I can...but is that really possible?

"Would you like me to replace that single bad memory, with a much more pleasurable experience?" he says into my ear. Sebastian's voice is low and seductive. I haven't heard him talk like that before. I blush, without realizing it, my cheeks have already turned pink.

Is it really okay for me to accept? Would that be such a bad thing?

The thought of me taking a bath with him doesn't seem like an idea I should accept. I will probably die from blood loss due to the massive bloody nose I'll get seeing him naked.

I couldn't help but stare as he got dressed for work...but I will die a terrible death if I see him fully naked.

But still...

I would rather die happy than to miss this chance.

I wrap my arms around his neck and smile, "I would love to accept such an offer, Sebastian."