Nightmares

Water.

I pushed against the rough walls, holding myself under with no air left in my lungs.

I opened my eyes and stared at the bottom of the pool until they burned and I had to close them.

"You can't fucking do this" my mind whispered, which only made me want to stay under longer, but everything screamed for oxygen. I pushed away from the wall and shot to the surface, gasping loudly.

The lifeguard watched me closely as I breathed deeply. His eyes locked on to mine. "He's clueless, staring into a broken soul.". It's funny though. He's been watching me try to drown myself for a while now. Probably bored beyond bored. I blinked a few times, taking another deep breath and shoving myself under again. My hands traced the paint-chipped wall.

"Haha look at you, absolutely pathetic" I squeezed my eyes shut, just wanting silence. And that's why I was down here. It was so silent, just me myself and I.

I let out a bit of air, I quickly opened my eyes and watched as they nearly flew to the surface. I started going up too.

"No, no, no. I need to stay down here for as long as possible" I put my feet against the floor and pressed my hands against the wall, holding myself there. What happens if I actually do drown myself? Whoah, what a lovely Christmas surprise. Another burst of air flew from my mouth. I could feel my lungs pushing it out, I needed more air. Another burst. One more and that would be it. Nothing left.

I opened my eyes, staring down at my swimsuit, suddenly becoming really self conscious. You could see my fat, and my thighs. Most of all you could see me. And my scars. My body chocked out a sob, which turned to nothing, considering I was surrounded in water that made me feel weightless.

My original plan was to swim fast and hard, try and burn calories. Sadly, my mind took a turn for the worst, and here I am. Trying to kill myself again. Over a stupid boy, over my fucking self.

I'm so worthless.

My lungs burned again. I'd say I was under for atleast a solid minute and a half. I came up, gasping again. I clutched onto the side of the pool, wiping the water from my face with my other hand.

He was still watching. I didn't struggle so much this time, my lungs were getting used to it.

Good. The longer I stay under, the better.

I looked around. There were about 4 other people in the large pool, no one was near me. I stared as another kid slide down the massive water slide, and into the 'river'. Looked like fun, too bad that's not what I wanted right now.

I took another glance around, and my eyes locked onto the lifeguard again. His shirt was red, and had lifeguard shit on it, he wasn't wearing any shoes and his shorts were plain black swim trunks. His brown hair was short and slightly spiked. He wasn't in a stand, rather a chair against a railing that held you back from more of the water park. From his angle, I'm sure he could see the kiddie pool, hot tub, part of the river, and, of course, the pool. I'm pretty sure that was his main duty. His eyes were still locked on mine, has he ever looked away? It kinda made me feel like he gave a fuck.

"HAHA BULL! ITS HIS JOB YOU FUCKTARD!" My mind screamed.

I gave him a slight smile before sucking in a large breath, and plumiting to the bottom again. Before anything I locked myself into position, this time determined that it was going to be the last time I do this.

Forever.

My mind raced before a sudden flashback caught me.

*FLASHBACK*

"I dare you to scream cookies out your window!" I said, the idea popping into my head. He gave me the look like 'are you even serious right now?' Before a smile appeared across his face.