Finding Nowhere

part i.

I was starving. I mentally cursed myself for not thinking of grabbing more snacks to eat earlier. A small pile to granola bar wrappers sat in the center console, which I had thought would hold me off until I got to some sort or rest stop. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind while I had been sneaking around the house, throwing supplies I thought necessary into a bag, that I would have grown sick of them already. I looked down at my phone, sat on my lap. Twenty five minutes until the next exit. 

I scrunched up my nose and pushed by body back into my seat, as if trying to compress myself would actually make the time pass by quicker. I tried to distract myself by thinking about what was going on at home right now.

It was only a little bit past seven, which meant my mom was probably still in bed. She probably wouldn't even wake up until one. It was a daily thing, you know. I would wake up, go to school, and by the time I came home I would already see the living room floor littered with beer cans and whiskey bottles. It was my normal.

I tried to think about what my friends were doing. Or at least, the closest people who I consider to be friends. I've never really gotten close with anybody. It was better that way. Why give someone that kind of power over you? It's always the people closest to you that have the power to hurt you most.

They were all probably at school, standing in the hallways in that little circle that had always felt so foreign to me. They probably wouldn't even notice me missing. 

I've always had very different opinions. They were all grades, college, and parties, while all I thought about was out. Out of their dreary town that I'd come to loathe.

There was nothing there. There was only work, no passion. No life. The town lacked the spark that ignited true bliss. 

The people here, they all work to survive. They have a plan. Get good grades to get into a good college, get into a good college to get a decent job, get a decent job to get paid. Then what? You live you life day after day without truly living. I don't want that. I want passion. I want to wake up every day happy. I want to know that my life isn't a total waste. I want breathe not just to survive, but for something so much more. I want meaning.

I lack that one thing in my life that I'm passionate about. But that's what I'm trying to find, isn't it? At least that's what I told myself. I wanted to find a place I could live. A place where people weren't afraid to do what they wanted. A place where there was no judgement or criticism. A place where people observe and understand.  But I wasn't even sure a place like that actually existed.