I Am The Walking Dead

Chapter Twelve

Chapter 12: Resurrection

Three weeks passed. Just flew by. I don't know where the time went. Most of it I spent sat in my apartment, doing nothing. It was really all I could do. What can you do when you've lost all direction in your life?

I've lost weight, that much is clear. I look ugly. I'm too thin. My school work's getting bad. My school is worried about me. They've notified Rachel, but she doesn't want to bother with that, and I can't blame her. She's not my mum, she's James' mum. How is James? I wonder that often now. I've only seen him once or twice from afar since his surgery. It worked, if that's what you're wondering. His delusions are gone. He's been brought back from the dead. He's back to normal. Well, almost.

I held in my hand, a photo frame. James got it for me, by trading in the tickets he'd won at the arcade. It's nothing special, this frame. Probably was only worth a few pennies. But that day. The day that James bought this frame...It was the day that he said he loved me. He said he'd never leave me. Tears are building in my eyes now just thinking about it. I opened up the back of the frame and pulled the picture out. One of James and me on a camping trip. That was a fun day. I put the photo down and held the frame. On the day he got this frame, James promised he'd never leave me. I grasped it within my palms and bent it. I felt the flimsy metal strain and give way. He promised he'd never, ever leave me.

"WHERE'S YOUR PROMISE NOW, JAMES!?" I screamed. I really did scream. "YOU BASTARD!" In one swift movement the frame went flying across the room. It hit the wall and I could hear the glass splinter. "You...you bastard." I looked down at my feet and hugged my arms round my legs, drawing myself in tightly. The man that I loved, the boy that I'd known growing up, the guy that I'd been with for the past 5 years was suddenly gone. My heart ached. It really hurt. They say that pain of heart break hurts just as much as physical pain. They're wrong, it's so much worse. You know that physical pain will only last a little while. I don't know when this will end. I don't know if it ever will.

James has started to remember. Rachel says he's getting better every day. Two days after James' procedure and the memories came flooding back. He cried when Rachel went to see him, and he suddenly knew who she was. James also remembers a girl he once played with, a long time ago. She had hair as red as carrots, and a temper to match the colour. But that was all. As time went on, nothing new came to him. I don't think it ever will. I know that that door in his mind has been shut. His connection to me has been severed. It was explainable through basic science. Still, it hurts. Why do I feel so cheated? Why do I feel so pained? It's not James' fault. So why do I hate him so much? He didn't forget me. His brain was damaged. But I still ask myself, why me? Why does he remember everything but me? Did he not love me enough? Was I just that forgettable? Rachel said there's always hope. She said even if James doesn't remember me, there's always hope that I can start again with him. That he could get to know me again. She said that we were so good together, good things don't just end. But when I look at James, on the one occasion that I properly spoke to him since his surgery, there was nothing in his eyes that suggested he would find interest in me. And even if there was, I couldn't love him back. Because he wasn't my James. I looked over to my wardrobe and saw my suitcase perched on top. Slowly, I stood up. My stomach growled loudly as I did so. I needed to eat. I should eat. But everything I do eat, is only forced back up again. There's only one thing I can do now, to ease this pain. Pack my bag and go home.

*

"You're what?"

"I'm leaving. I want to go home." I didn't look at Rachel as I spoke. I didn't want to. I didn't want to know how she felt on the matter. She could vocalise her views all she wanted, but I'd know her true feelings if I looked her in the eye.

"Lillian. Lillian love, you can't leave. Why would you leave? James's nee-"

"Don't. Don't finish that sentence. Don't make it any harder."

From the sound of her voice, I don't think Rachel would accept my decision to leave. "Tough." Rachel folded her arms. I chose to ignore it. My phone came out my pocket and I pretended to be looking at something. "Lilian! Put that thing away! Look at me!"

Again, I refused to cave. "Why don't you understand? James doesn't know me! He doesn't know who I am. Are you going to force me to go through that? For a moment there, James didn't know who you were. But thank god his father was there to remind him." I sounded sarcastic. Good. "You remember how you felt when he didn't recognise you?" I spat the words at her, still not raising my eye line. "You remember that don't you? Try suffering that pain for three weeks with no sign of improvement. You see how you end up!" I stood up hastily. Breakfast was signalling its reappearance. I made a mad dash for the toilet and just made it in time before I hurled my guts up. Gripping the edge of the toilet seat, I slumped down when it stopped. I felt some vomit dribble down my jaw and ignored it. The toilet seat came back down slowly and I crouched in the corner, taking a moment to gather my strength. I felt Rachel's hand rubbing my back. My head slowly turned and I caught a glimpse of her eyes. When I'd expected to see anger, or pity, or even loathing, surprise was the first reaction I produced to the look of complete understanding in her eyes.

"I see." She tore off a piece of toilet paper and wiped my mouth. Concern took hold of her features as she knelt down beside me. "Lilly, you're...you're so thin..." I'd forgotten, Rachel's hand was on my back. She could feel my spine. I took off my jacket slowly and now she could see the full extent of my affliction. Rachel's hand went to her mouth.

"I just can't seem to keep anything down..." I could feel a few tears escape and roll down my cheeks. "I thought, if I leave, I can move on. I can get better." My hands curled into fists.

"The clinic can give you anti-sickness medicine. I'm sure..." Rachel could feel my body tense up, so she trailed off. I'm sure she could understand now. That I had to leave.

"You know, you know deep down that I'm no longer a part of James. And I can't be, ever again."

Rachel nodded slowly. She understood.

"I want Jamie to remember you, so badly. I take him pictures every day. Tell him stories. He listens and takes it all in, but he doesn't remember. I kept telling myself, give him time, give him time...He'll remember if you give him time." I could hear a few sobs release themselves from deep inside Rachel's body. "I'd walk in one day, and he'd sit up right and shout out 'I remember Lillian Groves!', but he doesn't." Rachel pulled my body onto her lap and held me close. "I'm so sorry Lilian." Rachel cried now. It set me of. She held my head to her shoulder and stroked my hair. "He'd shout it out so loudly, the deaf man on floor three would hear him. Because he loved you Lilly. Oh god, James loved you so much."

Every fibre of my body, no, my very being shook with sobs. Heavy, long since delayed sobs that would not come earlier. "That's-why-I-have-to-go," I cried. "I can't take these memories. Being so close to James is only cruel to me."

Rachel's soothing touch combed through my ginger tangles, loosening them. "I understand." She stood slowly, picking me up with her. I was brought to my feet and taken out of the bathroom. Rachel went back in to clear up my mess. When she came back, I was almost all out of tears. She made me a drink to rehydrate, which I was careful to only take small sips of after throwing up. We spent the next hour in comfortable quiet, contemplating what had happened. After that, Rachel dug out her computer and found and paid for a flight home for me. I leave in two days.