A Wealthy Man's Guide to Playing the Violin Well

When in doubt, buy an expensive violin.

A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy.--Albert Einstein

Step 1: Obtain a violin.

On your next trip to the music shop, be sure to buy a violin. This is the most crucial step of playing the violin well, because, if you get a viola, you simply cannot play the violin well, and this entire manual would be utterly useless to you. After all:

How do you get a cello to sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin. --Diane Sullivan

When asked for the quality of the violin, immediately ask for a very expensive one, preferably one that is worth more than one million dollars, like a Stradivarius. If the shopkeeper gapes at you, check for any purple tigers straying near you. However, if the shopkeeper indeed has a Stradivarius, it is best to pay with a credit card that you stole from a celebrity (i.e Bill Gates). If you do not have such a card, a credit card holding a sum of one million dollars or more should suffice. Note: Having neither of the two items means that you will go bankrupt. Perhaps you should read A Plebeian's Guide to Playing the Violin Badly instead.

When the shopkeeper asks for your credit card, however, you should first haggle the value of the violin. After all, you want the best price. A superb example of this conversation should go like this:

Shopkeeper: That will total to an amount of $1,000,450.98 with tax. Please pay in cash or credit.

You: No no, that is too expensive. I suggest you decrease this overly inflated price to $2.50, or something of the sort.

Shopkeeper: Yes, but this is a Stradivarius. Here, I'll offer you a deal: prepay $1, and pay $1,000,000,449.98 later.

You: Well, that's not much of a deal! $1,000,000 or I won't buy it.

Shopkeeper: Fine, I will lower the price to 1,000,450.979. Do you have 9/10 of a cent?

Congratulations! If you followed the above instructions, you are now able to move on to step 2, which will be available soon. Follow us on NoseBook and Chitter for updates!