a n i m a

awake my soul

dedicated to lauren because she's such an amazing friend and she's one of the most talented people ever ily.

"and now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
my weakness I feel I must finally show."

∞∞∞∞

Your eyes, full of so many memories that terrorize your sleeping soul. They're endless and bright; misleading. They speak to me; grab me and hold me tight, whispering how much they love me. And then they suck me in and I fall. Falling and falling, deeper and deeper. And then they whisper again, so lightly the words slip into the whistles of the wind, fold into the melody and drown. But I catch them. Right before they slip, I grab them and hold them in my trembling hands and weep as I read, it was all a lie.

They're blue- your eyes. I stare into their azure promises and I feel my knees get weak. I feel the feathers tickling my stomach and the smile lighting my face. And I swoon, as so many others have, over those eyes. And I listen to their lies, feed off of them. Endlessly.

I stare at the stars, the sky so black I see myself melting into it. Sinking into the abyss and leaving the stars to shine; because that's their job. I never shine. I see myself floating through the nothingness; no butterflies, no pain. Slowly- harmlessly- I leave this world. And that thought fills me with so much peace- the type that I've ached for for so long that the relief is so intense my heart stops beating.

Because those lies, so effortlessly conducted and so elegantly dragged out, always fool me. No matter the amount of ingenuousness I fall. Every time, I fall for it. And the humility of it all consumes me. Sucks me into a world of shame so deep and thick my air is gone. And I'm left gasping for air for the rest of my existence.

And you've ruined me. Because I'll always take your hand. You lied and cheated and told me you loved me when truly you didn't so many times. But  I didn't. I was honest and faithful and I told you I loved you so many times and I meant it. And I still do.

Oh how I try to stop loving you. I try so hard my head pounds from my tears and my hazy soul burns with the ache of love- of the broken promise of forever.

And oh how I fail. I break down, my cries no longer hidden. The wind makes them dance, twirling them so fast I get dizzy. And the whole world sees how weak I am. You see. And I feel so sick with grief- heartbreak- that I never want to open my eyes again. I want to live in a world of dreams, where forever does exist and where someone aches for me as much as I ache for you. 

But no matter my efforts, that someone always becomes you.

My soul, so broken and mangled, while yours is unscathed. In your eyes it's free. You feel empowered and untouchable. But I see the truth. Your soul, so wanted amongst those you've lied to, is dead. It will never awaken. Never open it's eyes to the happiness in the world. It's unharmed and whole but it's dead. And none of it matters if it will never wake up.

And as I sit here, watching the birds from behind my window, the sky cloudless and blue, I know that I have to move on. The azure promises of the sky never break. Their strength is unbelievable, stronger than the need I feel for you. The need that ever so slowly, as I watch the sun sink lower until it melts at the horizon, is fading. The birds, singing so loudly, they take over my mind, fly away, dragging that need with them.

And I close my eyes, taking a deep breath for the first time since I got lost in your blue eyes. And I feel something so miraculous, I know my heart will heal- truly heal after all your deceit strangled it to the point of no return.

I feel my soul- the one you almost got away with- waking up.

∞∞∞∞