There Will Be Blood (not mine)

33. Cinders and Ashes

JUSTIN POV

I leaned over my desk and snorted the long, white line of coke. The cartilage of my nose felt like it was rotting away with every hit, but I didn't give a fuck. Nothing mattered but the numbness the high provided me with.

I shook my head to clear the feeling when I was done and leaned back in the chair, running my hands through my hair. My entire body was finally numb again. From my head to my toes, I didn't feel a thing. My blood was flowing at a consistent pace and it kept me warm, but it wasn't my life source; if that made any sense at all.

I had so much cocaine in my system that I could feel the powder basically seeping out of my pores. It was pure numbing, deadening, dazing bliss.

I had been this way for the past month. I couldn't even remember January, minus the horrible New Year's. That was all I could remember nowadays, but I tried not to think about it. It was the sole purpose of the cocaine; I had to have something to chase the images away.

I knew I should have never gone to Thorp. It was almost inevitable that it would end badly. What did I think was going to happen? I knew I had to tell her. It was almost a non-issue in my head. I couldn't keep something like my infidelities from Maddie. With anyone else, I could. I'd never given a damn who I'd fucked around with and when. It was just how it was. But with her... she deserved to know. Maddie was worth at least that much. She was worth more than what I gave her.

Some people might say that Maddie and I were being overdramatic. At first, I thought maybe she was. I mean, it was just a kiss, and I stopped it before things got too far. Plus, I was medicated and things weren't right in my head. That got me off the hook, right? I should have gotten some kind of reprieve.

Maybe it was the cocaine or the time I had alone to think, but I realized that none of that mattered. If the roles were reversed, I would be so pissed at her that I would probably kill someone. Medication or not, I fucked up. I understood that, and I couldn't ask Maddie to just overlook all of the shit I asked her to put up with any more. I couldn't change like she needed me to. I had tried, but I just couldn't. It was only a matter of time before we cracked.

I got home three days before Maddie was scheduled to and had all of her stuff packed. It was waiting for her in her dormby the time she got back. Benny was still watching her, but I didn't ask him how she was doing. I didn't want to know. He was there to just make sure that she was safe. That was all.

My family noticed the change in me. I mean, how could they not? I was always strung out now. I always had something going through my system; the old Justin was back. I didn't even think I had the muscles to smile anymore. Pattie would ask me what happened, but I wouldn't say anything. I had a suspicion that Olivia knew what was going on, so in turn, Finn probably knew. If he knew, then that meant Keegan and Bridget knew. Nothing stayed quiet around here.

I never asked Olivia how Maddie was doing either. I just let her go.

The weird thing was that Maddie actually called me. On several occasions, I picked up my phone to see her name flash across the screen. More often than not, I was too high to answer or didn't really want to speak with her. I wouldn't have anything to say if I tried to have a conversation, so I didn't bother. I didn't see her; she stopped coming to church, and my mind kind of had to shut her out or I would go crazy.

I sat back in the chair in my office at Plasma and looked at the calendar to my left. It said that it was February third, but it could have been a whole year later. I wouldn't know.

The base was thumping downstairs, and it was almost laughable at how this mirrored the first night I actually met Maddie. Like then, I was high as a kiteand hating life. Unlike then, I didn't have a buxomly babe on my desk. Come to think of it, I hadn't had sex in longer than I cared to remember. That didn't bode well for the people around me. I was very agitated for a number of reasons.