Vampire Academy: Final Choice

Cold Hearts and Cold Shoulders

I awoke with a killer headache. Great. That would really help me with what I was about to do.

I dressed in my formal guardian wear, hoping it would make me feel better, but sadly it didn't and I STILL had a pounding headache. Oh well; if I didn't do this then I knew I'd regret it. However much I might whine about Adrian, I really had come to care for him and I would lose him if I didn't talk to him as soon as possible. Not that 12 hours later could really be considered soon in any way, but hey, at least I was trying.

"Ouch." My headache, apparently decided I was doing too much thinking, had decided to reward me with a few painful pangs. Ok, that was it, I was taking some HeadEx. However much I probably deserved the headache, there was no way i was letting karma win this time. 

10 minutes later, headache still alive and well, I was making my way over to Adrian's. I didn't really know what I would say in the way of explanations, but I owed him something. After all, we had been going out on and off now for nearly 2 years.And not only that, but he had helped me travel to Russia and I still hadn't forgotten that, or what it had cost him, both physically and mentally. He had also been patient with me throughout all of my mixed signals. And for that, he really did deserve a medal, let alone an explanation.

"Rose Hathaway giving an apology. I'll give him a heart attack," I muttered under my breath. I allowed myself a small smile at that and then picked up the pace. I really was anxious to make it up with him. My pulse raced as I knocked at the door, feeling more than slightly nervous. What if he didn't answer?

"Come on Adrian," I muttered. This was starting to make me worried.

He answered after about 7 more knocks. And a threat of breaking down the door. Which, i don't think was entirely uncalled for seeing as I was in felly flegded panic mode by now, my overactive imagination thinking up all the ways in which he could have got himself hurt, (fallen and hit his head, suffocated himself, electrocuted himself, drowned in his own vomit ect). 

"What-." He broke of when he saw me. Anger passed over his face, darkening his features and twisting his mouth into a cruel grimace. I winced, I had never been looked at with such hatred before. Not even from Strigoi. Shit, he was mad.

"You." His voice was cold, far colder than I had ever thought him capable of. He really did have hidden depths, I couldn't have been more wrong about my first image of him as a playboy stoner. I winced, that wasn't fair. He was a lot smarter than any of us really gave him credit for.

"Yeah, me. Look I'm really….." My voice trailed off at Adrian's cold stare. The emerald green eyes that normally sparkled with joy and laughter were gone. Now his eyes were cold and unforgiving. Sorry just didn't really seem like a good enough explanation.

"Adrian I know that what you saw yesterday looked like I was…" was what? Asking Dimitri out? I almost laughed, I wasn't asking him out as much as begging for him to love me. Ouch. That must have been real painful for Adrian to watch, knowing as he did my feelings for Dimitri. god this was such a mess. Everything in my life seemed to be unraveling before my eyes, and if I was honest, it was all my fault.  I tried again;

"Ok, so it looked bad. But I do still care about you," I hesitated, trying to weigh out my next sentence before I said it. In the end I just ploughed on in true Rose style. 

"I even love you a bit. I think." Nicely done there Rose. An apolgy? It looked like I really did suck at them. Of course I did. "And I know that you love me, whether you'll admit or not." He observed me with his cool green eyes for a few moments, not moving or giving anything away. He was getting better at hiding his emotions than Dimitri, and that was saying something. Finally he spoke. Sadly, it wasn't to tell me that actually he loved me and all would be happiness and rainbows and shit. Nope, instead it was to get back at me for last night. Which, again, I guess I deserved. There were only so many times I could screw him over before he realised that I obviously wsn't worth it. 

"Isn't that the exact speech you used on Belikov? Oh wait, there was no "I think" in there was there?" His voice was just as cold and bitter as the words he threw back at me, knowing they would wound like venom. My head drooped down a little, this really wasn't going the way I had hoped it would. But then again, I reminded myself, what had I really expected him to do? He wasn't just going to roll over like a dog and automatically forgive me. I have going to have to work for it. But despite that conclusion, I was getting a little pissed with him. I had screwed up, but so had he before. And he didn't understand what it was like, what mine and Dimitri's relationship was. It wasn't just some schoolgirl crush that I would forget about, throwing it away like an old sweater. He had meant something to me, and I had loved him. More than anything else in the world, I had loved him. 

"Ok fine, look I'm sorry that its difficult for me. I care about you, but you know how I feel about Dimitri. And you knew that this would happen. So why are you so surprised?" Ok, so now I was more than a little pissed with him. This whole 'hardass' act was getting to me. Mostly because I couldn't see what he was thinking. 

"I did know this! Why do you think I backed off so much? Of course I knew! Its written all over your face how much you love him."

"So why did you go out with me again then? Why give me another chance?"

"Because I thought you might love me too!" he screamed. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. I'd been so blind, always lusting after Dimitri that I'd taken Adrian for granted, and what it must have cost him to side with me threw all of this. To watch me fawn over Dimitri and ignore him.

"I'm sorry," I said trying to show him that I really meant it. I hadn't meant to hurt him. Not like this. And if I was being honest, I really hadn't thought he loved me. I mean he was Adrian. Rich, moroi, alcoholic playboy Adrian. I had no idea that he'd felt like that. Not about me, not about anyone. 

He seemed to have had enough though, as he stepped further into the doorway looking sad and exhausted. I realised that he also looked like he had lost a lot of weight, his once snug jumper hung from his wrists like he was a skeleton. He also had big black marks under his eyes, and looked paler than most Moroi.

"It's over Rose. I can't….I just cant handle this anymore. You've made your choice." He sounded so sad, but still determined. That made me want to fight him even more, after all we had been through, he wouldn't just give up. He couldn't.

"Please! Please give me another chance….I don't…" I tried to convince him but couldn't find the words I needed.

"I don't mean to do this. Please, I still care about you!" I was begging now, but I didn't care, I couldn't let him shut the door. It would mean the end of me and him, and whatever my feeling for Dimitri I wasn't ready to lose Adrian. Not yet. Despite his faults, he'd been there for me. Always. 

He looked at me now, lifting his eyes from the floor.

"But I don't care about you." And then he slammed the door, leaving me standing there angry, upset and stunned.